The Fluffy Movie: Unity Through Laughter Page #3

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So I left the office.

I was bummed out, you guys.

I get in my car.

I was so depressed, because I'm like,

"Someone told me I

got two years to live.

"Surgery is my last hope."

And so I started crying.

I was sad. I was in

the car. I'm crying.

I'm like, "What the

hell am I going to do?"

And the only thing that could

cheer me up was a drive-through.

And I know that sounds crazy.

Some of you are like,

"Isn't that what got you

"in that position to begin with?"

Yes! But it's the only

thing that made sense.

There's a reason why it's called

"comfort food." Think about that.

Any time you see someone

eating a burger,

they never look sad.

They always look happy.

You might look sad walking in,

you might look sad walking out,

but when the actual event of

eating a burger is happening,

life couldn't be better.

That's right.

My girl told me that I make

sounds when I eat burgers.

I didn't know. Apparently I do.

I'm eating a burger, and I'm like...

She was like, "Are you eating that,

or are you eating that?"

Think about it. Who's sad when

they're eating fast food?

I'll tell you who's sad,

the person eating a salad,

watching someone eat fast food.

That's who's sad. You know?

So I pull up to this fast-food

restaurant with a big "M" on it.

And the guy on the speaker's like,

you know, "May I help you?"

And I'm crying. I'm like,

"You have no idea."

What I eventually wound up doing,

you guys, is I started low-carbing.

Now, I am not eating

healthy by no means, okay?

I still eat fast food every single day,

and people question it.

"How do you eat fast food

and lose 100 pounds?"

I'll give you an example.

I'll go to a burger place,

and I'll order a double cheeseburger.

I won't eat the bread.

I won't eat the onions,

the tomato, the ketchup.

I'll eat the meat, the cheese,

the mayo, the mustard,

and I'll order up to three with,

like, three diet sodas.

And people go, "That's unhealthy.

"The cholesterol's gonna kill you."

I agree. But guess what?

Cholesterol's gonna take

10 years to kill me.

Diabetes is going to do it in two.

Right now, I'm winning by eight.

Hell, yeah. That's called

"Fluffy math," bro.

There's a lot of people

mad in here right now.

"Fluffy found a loophole." Yes.

So I started low-carbing.

I started doing yoga and I know

that sounds like a joke right there.

Yeah, some of you are like,

"He means yogurt."

No, yoga. Frigging DDP, help me.

And then, I started lifting weights.

And it's kind of hard

for me, you guys,

because now I have people

at my shows telling me,

"We're noticing there's

a little difference.

"You're a little less fluffy.

"What's going to happen

if you keep losing weight?

"What are we going to call you?

"What are we going to call you?"

I lift weights. Call me

"Buffy." I don't care.

The point is, is that I'm not trying

to lose weight for vanity's sake.

I'm very secure.

The point is that I'm

trying to lose weight

so I can be around for my family,

so I can be around for my friends,

and so I can be around for you.

I'm not trying to preach to nobody.

"This is what you got

to do with your life."

Hell, no. Shoot,

you like burgers? Kill it.

I'm just saying that's what I'm

going through. And then people think,

"Oh, he's trying to lose weight,

because he's doing movies.

"He wants to look better.

He wants to be accepted.

"He wants to be accep..."

No, no, no, no.

Don't get it twisted, you guys.

Don't even think that.

At my highest weight of 445 pounds,

the level of acceptance I

had was amazing, okay?

To put it to you like this...

To put it to you like this,

at 445 pounds,

there was women throwing

themselves at me.

At 445 pounds,

there was men.

Oh, and, Bay Area, let me tell

you something about gay men.

I know you're in here.

I saw the line.

I'm going to tell you

something about gay men.

Gay men are very creative.

They're very persistent,

and they're very opportunistic

when they want to

achieve the mission.

They're just as calculated

as straight men are.

I'll give you an example.

I'll tell you a story, right?

So one night, Martin and I are at

a bar, and we're having drinks,

and that should come as no surprise.

"Really? They were drinking?"

Yeah. We killed it. So...

As we're drinking,

Martin is paying attention,

and he's listening in to a

conversation that's happening

about 15 feet away

between these two girls.

They're going back and forth,

and one of 'em was like,

"I don't believe we

finished the whole bottle.

"How the hell are we

supposed to get home?"

Martin stands up,

looks at me, and says,

"Bro, I'll be back."

And then it began, the hunt.

You know, freaking...

Gay men are the exact same way.

They listen. They focus.

They pay attention.

They wait for one of the cows to

get away from the rest of the herd,

so they can corner it and strike.

Four hours later,

Martin and I are at the bar,

and I'm 16 shots of tequila in.

Whoo!

Oh, yeah, and I feel fantastic!

And I tell Martin,

"Bro, I don't remember

"the last time I had this

many shots of tequila."

And Martin goes,

"Bro, you're crazy, Fluffy.

"You're crazy. Wait right here.

I got to pee."

And so he leaves to the restroom,

and I'm leaning against the bar.

The bar is the only thing

keeping me standing.

And from across the room,

this guy stands up,

looks at his friends,

and says, "I'll be back."

And then it began, the hunt.

And he gets in my face,

and he tells me,

"I just have to say I am

such a huge fan of yours.

"Oh, my God!"

Any time someone says

they're a huge fan of mine,

it automatically makes me smile,

even more so if I've been drinking.

Oh, yeah, if I'm drinking,

I'm like, "Thank you. Thank you."

Bro, I was so loaded,

I bowed. "Thank you."

The guy puts his hand on my shoulder,

and he says, "I just have to say

"you have gotten me

through some difficult..."

And he stops talking,

and he squeezes,

and he goes, "Oh, my God!

"Do you work out?"

I was so drunk, I said, "A little.

"You're the first person to notice!"

And he's like,

"Oh, you can totally tell."

And he squeezed again,

and I said... "Ahh."

"I'm sorry. Am I overstepping?"

"No, bro, you don't understand.

"I'm stressed out.

That felt pretty good."

"Want me to rub both your shoulders

"and your back and scratch it?

'Cause I will."

"Hey, go for it."

He grabs me by

the shoulders, you guys.

He grabs me by the shoulders,

and he turns me around.

Now I'm facing the bartender,

and the bar-tender

is trying to warn me.

The bartender's like, "Hello!

"Hello!

"Hello!

"Hello!"

I'm so drunk, I'm like...

This guy is working my

neck well. I'm like...

It feels so good, I push off the bar.

At that moment,

Martin returns from the restroom.

He sees what's going on.

He doesn't stop it.

He doesn't say a word.

As far as I know,

"Machete" is taking notes.

The guy turns me back

around, and he says,

"I just have to say,

if you were mine,

"I would cook for you every

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