The Fourth Dimension

All right, all

right, all right, everybody!

What up?

What up?

Thank you guys for

coming out today.

Most of you all know me from

running the Lotus Community

Workshop here.

I've been doing this

since 1978.

'78!

And I go by the name of Reverend

Mickey House...

in the house!

All right, we got something

crazy special and super

exciting for you guys today.

So with great pleasure and

extreme fondness, I'd like to

introduce to you today to

a man that needs no

introduction, because he's

saved so many lives.

He's touched so many lives.

This man is a legend

amongst us, ya'll!

I don't even know a greater

human being

other than this guy.

He's so large, and he's a

personal hero of mine.

Please help me welcome my

friend and my mentor Val

Kilmer, ya'll!

Give it up for Val Kilmer!

Yeah!

Put it up for that man Val!

Yeah!

Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

Some of you may know me,

may know my face.

Cable television.

I have many,

many awards.

I'm a consistent award winner.

I'm a very well-known entity.

I'm considered by most people

to be a great man.

You, on the

other hand, are not.

You need my help?

You, and you, and you, you're

drowning in a cesspool of

poverty and unemployment?

You need me badly.

You need me so badly that I feel

badly about how badly you

really need me.

You need me to light up the

sky for you, to be your

beacon, to be your beacon

sparkler, to

teach you awesome secrets...

awesome secrets!

Say it with me now!

Awesome secrets!

Awesome secrets!

Awesome secrets!

Awesome secrets!

Awesome secrets!

Awesome secrets, they

now come true!

Awesome secrets, they

now come true!

Awesome secrets, they

now come true!

We've all been

assembled here today by a

wonderful charity workshop, the

Lotus Community Workshop.

It's a non-profit for inner-city

people in need or

real hard-luck cases.

Sit down.

Sit down, darling.

Sit down.

How do you get a piece of that

pie and still maintain a

semblance of dignity?

You know that.

And I know that.

It's cool that I'm

here for you.

I'm so happy

you're here for me.

I want you so bad.

I want your baby.

Sexy.

Hey.

Been waiting long?

No,

Just got here.

You want to rent a video game?

Cool.

I'm just going to take

a minute now.

Total silence.

I'm going to take a minute to

examine everyone, the facial

structures of the audience.

A vibe jack.

Total silence.

I'm not going to

speak for maybe 15 seconds.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, fantastic.

A lot of criminals in

the audience today.

I wasn't expecting that

much criminal vibes.

Woo, a bit mind-blowing.

I'm not going to lie to you.

A few of you look like you

could be on death row.

But do not worry.

I'm not going to turn you in.

You're safe with me.

There's a new sheriff in town.

I'm your protector now.

When I was young, I was

also a delinquent.

I stole things.

I hurt people.

I was born in a tin shack.

Actually, I was born in

several tin shacks.

I ran with kids who

were awful.

They had

pointy ears.

They were more like demons than

actual human children.

Scorched houses...

I was into arson.

I thought arson was cool.

One day I was coming home

from school, and I

saw an alien ship...

...hovering.

It was a mothership.

It was obviously a mothership.

There were so many lights

on this ship.

It made

the sky sparkle.

I'd never seen an alien

ship before.

Oh, mama, mothership.

Oh mama, mothership.

Oh, mama mothership alien.

Oh, mama mothership

alien ship.

Mothership alien ship.

Mothership alien ship.

Can you see it?

It's like an alien ship.

Can you see it?

Look up!

Look up!

Sit down!

Sit down!

Sit down!

Sit down!

Look up!

Sit down and look up!

It wasn't doing anything.

Why aren't you doing anything,

mothership?

What's

going on here?

Am I hallucinating?

Is this a sign from God?

Is it a movie set?

Somebody forgot to tell

me I'm an extra in it.

I started asking all these deep

philosophical questions,

poignant questions.

And then, just like that, the

alien ship just jacked off.

Off to away from me.

It was like a second, and

then it was gone.

Disappeared and left

me with no answers.

It evaporated into the

fourth dimension.

I realized at that very

moment that life

doesn't have answers...

doesn't need answers.

Life is a mothership.

It hovers.

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

Kill freak!

There was

kids on TV that

were starving in Africa.

Aww!

I didn't know

what to do, but the

mothership was with me.

I felt speechless,

horrible.

So I decided to write a song.

Those kids, bum, bum, bum.

Those kids, bum, bum, bum.

They die from diarrhea.

Those kids, bum, bum, bum.

Those kids, they die.

Ba-bum, ba-bum.

From diarrhea.

I sit at home and wonder

why they die from di...

bum, bum, bum...

di...

bum, bum, bum...

arrhea.

I entered that song in a

contest, and I ended up

winning money for it.

I turned that money

into gold bars, and I

donated that money to Africa!

And then I realized that I could

make a difference, which

is why I made a DVD.

You are so lucky for that.

Come on in here for

the real thing.

Woo!

Woo!

Trust me, trust me!

I feel

I can trust you, Val!

We trust you!

You seen this?

No.

Looks shitty.

I've seen all these.

Have you seen

this one, Reach?

Yeah.

It was awful.

Pick something funny.

How many

of you like gold?

Yeah!

Woo!

Invest in gold bars.

Invest in gold.

Get as many gold bars as you

can, and then bury them under

your bathtub.

As I'm saying this, forget

I'm saying it.

But then, do it.

Build a hidden safe-like

contraption under your bathtub.

Fill it up with gold bars.

Don't tell anyone.

Don't tell anyone your secret

code or your password.

You lock it up.

When you take a bath at night,

you'll be sitting on a

financial safety net.

I'm talking to you robotic

so that it goes

into your mind digital.

01010...

I don't know.

You'll be sitting

on a gold mine.

Woo!

Yeah, cotton candy!

Man, I don't

even feel like watching a

movie anymore.

Let's get a game.

You ever play Kill Freak?

I don't even know if this

place would have it.

You got Slaughter Haven?

Mm-hm.

What

about Kill Freak 2?

Oh, yeah.

Is it good?

Oh,

it's great.

Sh*t looks good.

I want you to

be healthy and strong.

I want you to be a century

old before you feel

ankle pain or wrinkle.

You need to last a long time.

You need to lasso the moon!

You need to be made

in America.

If you're not made in America,

get out, get out, get out!

But you are made in America.

If you're all made in America,

you'll make it in America!

Make it in America!

Some of you ride horses.

Some of you ride horses.

Stop riding horses.

What?

It's time

to find a job.

Let's all say that.

It's time to find a job!

That's right.

Did you recognize me?

Yeah, from movies,

probably, huh?

Yeah, I've done that.

But now I'm doing a whole kind

of a new thing, just reaching

out to people and just

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes