The Full Monty Page #2

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Nah.

10,000 quid.

- How much?

- 10,000 quid.

'ey, now, Dave, I mean...

It's worth a thought, though, innit?

Little And Large prancing round Sheffield

with their widgers out!

That would be worth ten quid!

Don't be so bloody daft.

We were just saying...

- Widgers on parade! Bring a microscope!

- I don't see why the chuff not!

Because you're fat and he's thin,

and you're both f***ing ugly.

Bastard!

(shouting)

What's all this about sole custody?

You know what. If you want

joint custody, you pay your share.

- 700 quid.

- I'm ont" dole, in case you hadn't noticed!

- Get a job! I'll gi' you a job!

- 2.50 an hour in Black Hole of Calcutta!

No, thank you.

If you want to play your games, do that,

but Nathan's gonna have two parents now.

And your live-in lover's gonna do that?

Abracadabra, here he is! Evening, Barry.

That'll be for t" court to decide.

No, it won't. Nathan's yours and mine.

He's f***-all to do with him!

- As if you've ever given a toss.

- Face it. He don't like staying at yours.

Course he bloody does! Ask him!

Ask him!

Oi, Nathe! We have a laugh, don't we?

- Gary! Don't!

- Is he in?

Is he in?!

Nathe!

He can't hear you through your...

triple bloody glazing.

He can hear all right.

This... This is all wrong, this is.

It's all to f***ing cock. I'm his dad, and you...

You're nobody.

Good night, Gary.

Night, Nathe!

See you, kid!

No. Not doing it.

- I'm not stripping.

- They're taking him away.

All I need is 700 quid

and they've got not on me.

- Gaz, no.

- Dave, he's me kid!

I suppose there's nicking cars.

- No!

- Well, then?

Look, I'll help, all right? I'm running, aren't l?

But I'm taking not off. Final.

Come on, Dave. Don't stop now.

- Keep up, you fat bastard!

- Gazza, you tosser!

(Dave) Do you need a hand?

Yeah, it's your HT leads, I reckon.

Give it a go at that.

(engine starts)

Didn't you work at Harrisons

afore it shut down?

Ah! I thought I clocked you!

I were ont" floor with Gaz. Him up the road.

How's it going, then?

You got any work?

No, there's not a lot about, is there?

Well, like I say,

get some new ones when you can.

No, no, my chuffing pleasure(!)

Dave?

(coughing)

- Are you all right, kid?

- You bastard!

'ey! 'ey!

You could shoot yoursen.

(Gaz) Where's he gonna find

a gun from round "ere?

You wanna find yourself

a big bridge, you do.

Yeah. Like one of them bungee jumps,

only without the bungee bit.

I can't stand heights, me.

Drowning. Now there's a way to go.

I can't swim.

You don't have to f***ing swim, you divvy.

That's the point.

You're not very keen, are you?

Sorry.

I know.

Stand in the middle oft" road and get

a mate to drive smack into you right fast.

Haven't got any mates.

We just saved your f***ing life,

so don't tell us we're not your mates!

- Yeah?

- (Dave) Yeah, me an" all.

I'd run you down soon as look at you.

Oh, cheers.

Ta.

Thanks a lot.

(front door)

(panting)

- What are you doing, Mum?

- Where have you been?

Driving.

- Driving where?

- Just driving.

(Mum) I thought you'd gone.

Security guard in 'ere?

No wonder he wants to kill himself.

Well, at least one bloke got a job

out of this place being shut down.

What did you tell him for, any road?

The kid's a nutter.

He's a bugle player.

Could come in right handy.

Might need a bit of music.

He's got a car. Somewhere to practise.

Besides, it's good whatsitsname

for the lad... Therapy.

Oh, aye! Jiggling about in the buff. Therapy!

I tell you, he won't be the only one trying

to top himself if you carry on wi' this caper.

- Dad, I'm hungry.

- (carhorn)

'ey up!

'ey! Lomper!

- Where's me rice?

- Try the cylinder head... tubby.

I don't like Chinese.

Course you do... Don't you?

- Let's see his records.

- What have we got, Dave?

'the Floral Dance."

- 'marching With Hepworth"?

- Jesus Christ!

Ah, Hot Chocolate! Now we're talking!

I believe in miracles

Since you came along

You sexy thang!

Stick it on, Daverimo! I'm there.

Dad! Dad, don't.

It's all right, Nathan.

It's right, is this. I've seen 'em do it.

- (amplified) Good evening, shoppers...

- Dave!

All right, all right.

"You Sexy Thing." One, two...

One, two, three, four.

( "You Sexy Thing" byHot Chocolate)

lbelieve in miracles

Where you from

You sexy thing, sexy thing, you

lbelieve in miracles

Since you came along

You sexy thing

Where didyou come from... (music stops)

- (doorslams)

- I need an audience.

You need a doctor.

(Gaz) I tell you,

there's summat up wi" that kid.

- (Dave) Did you check the whole top end?

- (Gaz) Yeah!

There's no point. He went out.

- You what?

- I seen him go.

There's the beggar.

(Gaz) Oi, Nathe!

Nathan!

Nathan.

Hell-fire!

- What are you doing out here, kid?

- Not. Walking home.

It's miles home! You know that!

Why did you run off like that?

You're embarrassed, aren't you?

You think your own dad's a d*ckhead.

We're not doing this for a laugh, you know.

I'm trying to get some brass together...

..so as you and me can keep

seeing each other.

They're trying to stop us, you see.

Oh, well, I may as well not bother.

Except I'm your dad.

It counts for something, don't it?

I like you.

I love you, you bugger.

All right, kid?

- All right?

- Yeah.

You nutter.

( tango)

(Nathe) Well, you said dancing.

It were a great idea, kid.

Just not the right sort of dancing.

Gaz! 'ey, look "ere. (sniggers)

(Gaz) Oh, my God!

Gerald, me lad, you're gonna be

famous down job club.

(Dave) He's not bad for a bastard, is he?

(Gaz) He's dead, that's what he is.

(Lomper)

You said you wanted a dance teacher.

(Dave) Gerald? Go get chuffed!

He'd tell every bugger!

We'd be laughed out of Sheffield.

'ey up, lads. Bandits at six o"clock.

Ah, come in, Torvill.

Park your sequins over "ere.

- You've had your laugh. Now piss off.

- It's a free country.

- You were rather good. Nifty footwork.

- Gerald!

Oh, hello.

- Gerald, you're missing the rumba.

- Sorry, I just met some pals from... work.

Oh.

- Not thinking of joining our class?

- Funny you should mention it...

- I think we'd better be getting back now.

- Well, good night.

You get back to your rumba.

See you later, Gerald.

At work.

He's got gnomes.

(Gaz) Aye, he bloody would have.

(Gerald sings)

Things looking up?

- You know, love, I think they just might be.

- Good.

You've been working too hard.

You should let a colleague

do the lion's share for a change.

- I wish you'd be firmer, Gerald.

- Oh, well. Mustn't be late.

- So it's all right if I...

- Oh, Linda, love...

Oh, don't be so mean!

Things are looking up. You said so.

You'll love skiing.

Linda...

It don't matter.

Bye.

'ey, Gaz.

- Offto the office, Torvill?

- Yes, I bloody am!

Put that back. Put it back!

See that? Interview.

In the bloody bag. Mate from Harrisons.

I could do the job standing on me head.

And I won't have to look at

your ugly mugs again.

- Come on, we just need some help.

- Sorry. There's nothing I can do to help you.

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