The Full Monty Page #3

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Just wanna know about dancing.

Dancers have coordination, skill,...

..timing, fitness and grace.

Take a long, hard look in the mirror.

Now, I'm busy.

Don't be late for job club, lads.

Bastard!

Starting at 16,000, plus the pension scheme.

It'll be a relief to get back to work.

It's not been an easy six months.

I'm up to date with

the latest industry developments,...

..and I've kept meself...

..busy, you know.

Well, all the qualifications

are there, obviously.

And we go back further

than I care to remember.

Sorry?

What we're asking, Gerald, is...

..after such a long lay-off,

do you think you're up to the job?

You...!

- Bastard!

- F***ing hell!

'ey, Gerry, mate...

- (Gaz) You didn't get it, then?

- Get out the way! Come "ere!

Bastard! That were mine, that job!

You don't give a toss! You're kids!

It's different for me!

I've got a standard of living! Responsibilities!

I were on me way up! I am on me way up!

It were me first interview in months!

I could've got me first month's in advance.

She'd never have known.

Now what?

She's still got credit cards, you know.

She's out there now, ont' High Street,

with a f***ing Barclaycard, spending!

Why can't you just tell her?

How can I tell her after six months?

A woman who wants to go skiing

for us holidays!

(Gerald) Skiing, for f***'s sake!

Why did you do it? It was my job!

It had to be my... job!

(door closes)

Can't you just leave me alone?

We stuck it with superglue.

You can't hardly see t" join.

- Go on.

- Oh, yeah.

We got this int" jumble, like, to say sorry.

Wheels go round and everything.

It's for your gnomes, really. Not you.

I, er...

I don't know. Er...

It's marvellous, this.

We were thinking, er...

you can maybe put it next to... wishing well.

Make a bit of a...

- Feature.

- Yeah.

What do you reck?

Ta, lads, eh?

Ta very much.

Cigarette me, for f***'s sake.

(Gaz) Think any of them could dance?

You're not still on about

this Chippendales malarkey, are you?

A Yorkshire version.

Them buggers can, we bloody can.

- You can't dance.

- We know, Gerald.

- Gaz, niner on its way,

- Why do you think we're trailing you?

I don't know. It's not my kind of dancing.

It's all arse wiggling.

I've got a degree in arse wiggling, mate.

You learn us dancing, I'll learn you the rest.

Gerald, for once, I'm dead serious.

I need your help.

What if someone spots me? What if

Linda finds out? I've got standing, me.

Aye, you've an overdraft an" all, mate.

( "Je t'aime... Moinon plus"

by Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg)

Je t'aime

Je t'aime, oh oui, je t'aime

Moinon plus

Oh, mon amour

Comme les vagues

You amaze me

Je vais,je vais etje viens

Entre tes reins

Je vais etje viens

Entre tes reins

Etje me re...

I'm sorry. Sorry.

I thought I'd give it a go.

I got a bit desperate. You know how it is.

I can't even take my kit off properly, can l?

You're all right, Reg.

There's some tea if you like.

No, thanks. The kids are outside.

Bring 'em in.

No.

This is no place for kids.

This is crazy.

So,...

..it's Mr Horse.

Horse.

Yeah, well, er...

Just a minute, Mr Horse.

My colleagues on the panel...

Ask him why he's called the Horse.

You bloody ask him!

It's not cos he does the Grand National.

That's all very well, but a big wanger is no

use if you need a zimmer frame to tout it in.

I mean, he must be 50 if he's a day.

So, Horse, what can you do?

Dunno, really.

Erm... Let's see, there's the, er...

There's the bump.

The stomp. The bus stop.

Me break dancing days are probably over.

- But I do the funky chicken.

- Now you're talking!

- All of 'em?

- Well, yeah. I think so.

Well, it's been a while, mind.

And I've got this dodgy hip.

Yeah.

Well, stick it on, Nathe.

(Gaz) Do your worst, pal.

( 'land Of A Thousand Dances"

by Wilson Pickett)

One, two, three

Ow!

Uh!

All right!

Uh!

You gotta know how to pony

Like Bony Moronie

Mashedpotato

Do the alligator

Ow!

Uh!

Na na-na-na-na

Na-na-na-na

Na-na-na na-na-na

Na-na-na-na

Wow...!

My favourite film's 'singing int' Rain".

That walking-up-wall thing is ace!

He knows me.

He plastered our bathroom a while back.

- Get rid of him.

- You'll be fine.

- He'll blow my cover.

- (Gaz) Shut up!

- What walking-up-wall thing?

- I'll show you.

I'm Donald O'Connor, right?

That's the wall.

(thud)

Oh, well...

It's better than that in the film, you know.

So... you don't sing?

No.

- You don't dance?

- No.

Hope you don't think I'm being nosy,

but... what do you do?

Well, er...

There is... this.

(Gaz gasps)

Gentlemen, the lunchbox... has landed.

Chuffing Nora!

All right, Gerald? I didn't see you!

I did his bathroom.

Hello, Guy.

Nathe...

(Gaz) Nathan!

- (Dave) I say, Jean!

- Yeah?

Ever been out with a black bloke?

- You know I haven't, Dave.

- But...

If you were ont' lookout for a new fella, right?

If you were, just saying,...

..would you think about it?

What's got into you?

No, would you, though?

I might do. Yeah.

Is that all right?

- So it's true.

- I've bloody had enough of this.

What's true?

What they say about black blokes.

They've got great bodies and that.

Some of 'em. Yeah.

And?

Nothing.

David... I don't care if they're black,

white, or bloody rainbow-coloured.

I'm married to you. Remember?

Yeah.

Night.

Why would I want anyone else, eh?

Big man.

Jeanie,...

..I'm all in.

It's amazing how tiring it is doing not,

you know.

They're just messing, Dave.

- Do you reckon?

- Course!

Just Jean, innit?

- Got any of them mint chocolate jobs?

- Get lost! You're on a diet.

- Don't you start an" all.

- How much you got, then?

22... 27 pence.

4.99, special offer.

We're still a f***ing fiver short.

You know what this means, Dave?

Oh, no! Come on, Gaz. Why me?

You've got an innocent face.

I've got serial killer written on mine.

If you won't dance,

you can do something useful.

Jean'll throw an eppy! She's only over there!

She's miles away! See you later. Good luck.

- Give us a pear drop, you.

- They're not paid for.

(alarm rings)

(alarm stops)

(alarm rings)

"Flashdance (WhatA Feeling) "

by Irene Cara

First, when there's nothing

Buta slow, glowing dream

Hey, what's this?

I didn't go on the nick in Asda

for some chuffing women's DIY video.

It's "Flashdance", Dave. She's a welder.

(Dave)

I hope she dances better than she welds!

- Look at that! Her mix is all to cock.

- (Gaz) Shut up, Dave.

- What do you know about welding?

- More than some chuffing woman!

It's like Bonfire Night. Too much acetylene.

Them joints won't hold f*** all.

For Christ's sake, we're looking for dancing.

He's got the hump about Asda.

'ey, cop a load of that.

Whata feeling!

(Gerald) What did I tell you?

She's nifty on her pins.

You just come alive, you can dance...

That, gentlemen, is what we are looking for.

Oh, aye. I can just see him doing

all that twizzling-about bollocks.

It's souped-up tango, is that.

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