The Full Monty Page #4

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Teach any bugger in a week. Even you, mate.

Even a fat bastard like me?

Yeah, I know what I am, so don't take the piss.

All right. Two weeks.

(Gerald) Straight up.

I can have itall

Please believe it

I dunno, Gaz.

Jean reckons I should take

that security-guard job at Asda.

Jesus! Security?

You're worth more than that, Dave.

She don't think so.

I reckon summat's going on

with her and that bloke.

The juggling bugger?

No. No way.

It's not as if I'd blame her.

You could show her, Dave.

Nobody tells them Chippendales

to do security. Raking it in, they are!

Two weeks. That's what the man said,

and he's not taking the piss.

Aye, it's a thought.

It's more than a thought.

Think of Jean's face when

she sees you dancing like "Flashdance".

Two weeks? Just like flashy tits?

It's what your man said.

'ey... I can weld better than her an" all.

Stop! No, no! Stop! Stop!

- What?

- You stay still!

And you... go forward, OK?!

- OK.

- All right, Nathan.

( "Hot Stuff' by Donna Summer)

No, no, no! Jesus Christ!

All I want to do

is get you in a straight bloody line!

What do I have to do?

It's the Arsenal offside trap, int' it?

- You what?

- The Arsenal offside trap.

Lomper here is Tony Adams, right?

Any bugger looks like scoring,...

..we all step forward in a line

and wave our arms around like a fairy.

That's easy.

OK!

Nathan!

Gotta have some hot stuff

Gotta have some love tonight

(all) Yes!

Perfect.

Perfect.

Well, you should have said.

Come on. Get in quick, and wipe your boots.

- Put that back. You'll break it.

- I'm just looking.

Bit posh, innit?

(Gaz) Right, then.

- Are we right?

- (Horse) Right for what?

Taking us kit off.

I thought you were turning me

into a fancy dancer.

Ladies, we are strippers, aren't we?

What, here? Now? in this house?

- This is a good area, this is.

- Gaz... I dunno.

If we can't get us kit off in front of ourselves,

what chance have we got in front of lasses?

Tops off.

Come on!

Well, no looking.

And no laughing, you bastards.

I used to have a proper job, me.

I ask you, what are we doing?

What are we doing?

And the kecks.

- Horse by name, horse by nature, eh?

- Oh, shut it, you!

- How come you're so brown?

- No reason.

- Someone's got a sunbed, eh, Gerald!

- It's Linda's, and no, you bloody can't!

What am I gonna do about this?

(Gaz) It's not too bad.

From the front, like.

Fat, David, is a feminist issue.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't bloody know, do l? But it is.

I try dieting.

I do try!

It seems I've spent

most of me f***ing life on a diet!

The less I eat, the fatter I get.

- So stuff yourself and get thin.

- Oh, shut up, saggy tits!

They're not.

A mate of Linda's had this plastic stuff

put on her at this health club.

She lost stones. It were like magic.

Oh, what's it called?

Anyway, it's like... cling film.

- I've heard of that.

- Clingfilm?

I'm not a chicken drumstick, Gerald.

- You wrap it round, reduce the fat...

- She swears by it!

(doorbell)

- You can't just take stuff.

- Sorry, mate.

But I only owe him 120 quid.

- That's all these'll fetch second-hand.

- They're not second-hand.

They are now, mate.

- Put down and piss off.

- F***ing hell!

I think there's been a mistake.

We'll check with the office.

- (door closes)

- Cheers, lads.

It's not bad, this stripping lark, is it?

( 'the Stripper')

(Gerald) Dave and Lomps, up the wing.

One, two, three, four.

Left touchline, three, four.

Right touchline, three, four.

Offside trap. One, two,...

..three, four. Now the belt,...

..three. Now the shoes,...

..three, four. Now the socks...

- Hang on, I can't...

- (Gerald) Carry on!

- Aagh!

- (music stops)

- That were crap.

- (Gerald) Well, give us a chance!

I bet even Madonna has difficulty

with her shoes.

- You could've had me eye out!

- Sorry.

What are you doing? They're borrowed!

We can use 'em for the show.

It's what them Chippendales do.

They put Velcro down the side,

and then... (rips)

..they're off! I'll sew 'em back up.

Where did you learn to be an ace sewer?

Prison.

Cheers, Nathe.

Come on, Al, it's me!

Which is precisely why

it's 100 quid up front. Half-price.

If I give you t" club for not and you don't

turn up, I've an empty bar on a Friday night.

Course we'll turn up! I haven't got 100 quid!

If you tell me what you're up to,

it might help.

I can't. It's top-secret.

Sorry...

(Gaz laughs)

- All right, love?

- Hi, Mum.

- What do you want?

- All right, Mand?

I'm gonna get you all your money.

Our money. Nathan's.

You know, for definite this time.

- Yeah, right. That all?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Well, no. The thing is, Mand, you have

to speculate to accumulate, in business.

- I'm not sure I'm hearing this.

- I'll get you it all. I just need a tiny bit.

- You want some money?

- Yeah!

Right. I need someone int' packing section.

2.50 an hour. You can start now,

if you like. Are you coming?

Come on, Dad.

Nathan.

You can't do this, kid. It's your savings.

I can. I just need your signature.

It says int' book.

I'd like to take my money out, please.

Well, you bloody well can't.

- You're all right, love. It's sorted.

- It's my money!

100, please.

When you're 18,

you can walk in and get it yourself.

- You said you'd get it back.

- I know!

But you don't want to listen to what I say.

You said so. I believe you.

You do?

Yeah.

Blimey, Nathe!

'make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me) "

by Steve Harleyand CockneyRebel

You've done it all

You've broken every code

Come on, come on! One, two!

Pulled the rebel to the floor

You've spoilt the game

No matter what you say

And one for luck!

What a bore

Blue eyes, blue eyes

How can you tell so many lies?

Come up and see me

Make me smile

I'll do what you want

Running wild

(whistle)

Yeah!

Oooh

La-la-la

Oooh

La-la-la

Ooooooh

(Dave) It's not straight, Lomps.

Give over, it's only a poster.

Christ al-bloody-mighty!

- All right, sweethearts?

- (woman) Gary the lad!

What are you up to, then, shifty?

Bit of this, bit of that, bit of the other.

- (Gaz) Just advertising for some mates.

- Oh, aye.

And who's gonna come and see

your mates?

We had the real thing up here the other day.

Well, us mates are better.

- Better? How's that, then?

- Well...

This lot go all the way.

- Don't they, lads?

- The full monty? You lot?

Hell-fire! That would be worth a look!

- See you there, then.

- Ta-ra.

(women laugh)

Keep your hair on.

No way. No and never. In that order, kid.

Excuse me, no-one said anything to me

about the full monty.

You heard 'em. We've gotta give them

more than your average ten-bob stripper.

- Yeah, but... me willy. I mean to say...

- Your willy?!

- My willy!

- A laughing stock. Totally!

- Well, they're coming!

- With a pair of scissors! They know it's us.

By closing time, every bugger in Sheffield

will know it's us whether we do it or not.

We can forget it,

go back to f***ing job club,...

..or do it and just maybe get rich.

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