The Full Monty Page #5

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And I tell you,...

..folks don't laugh so loud

when you've a grand in your pocket.

Now, are you in...

..or are you out?

(traffic news on radio)

..all sorts of problems

for drivers on the Pennines.

So, please avoid the area if possible.

The good news is that the outlook

for the rest of the week is much better,...

..with the storms clearing

to leave the weekend warm and sunny.

Now, back to the music.

Here's another disco classic from the '70s.

It's Donna Summer with...

.."Hot Stuff'.

( "Hot Stuff' by Donna Summer)

Sitting here eating my heart out, waiting

Waiting for some lover to call

Dialed about a thousand numbers lately

Almost rang the phone off the wall

Looking for some hot stuff,

baby, this evening

I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight

I want some hot stuff, baby, this evening

Gotta have some hot stuff

Gotta have some love tonight

I need hot stuff

I want some hot stuff

(rain pouring down)

No.

Gerald, come on, mate. Just an hour!

( "We Are Family" by Sister Sledge)

You've got some fit birds in there.

Nah. Tits are too big.

(Horse) Yeah?

Didn't know they could be.

Anti-wrinkle cream.

'ey, can fell as use this an' all?

Do you mind, you!

Well, I just pray they're a bit more

understanding about us, that's all.

You what?

They're gonna be looking at us like that.

What if, next Friday, 400 women say:

"He's too fat, he's too old,...

..and he's a pigeon-chested little tosser."

- They wouldn't.

- Why not? He said her tits are too big.

That's different. We're... blokes.

(Dave) Yeah. And?

I think she's got nice tits.

I never said owt about her personality.

She's probably quite nice.

They won't say not

about your personality.

Which is good cos you're a bastard.

Bollocks to your personality!

This is what they're looking at.

And I tell you summat, mate.

Anti-wrinkle cream there may be,

but anti-fat-bastard cream, there is none.

(Guy) Here... Iads.

Oh, mother!

- Bloody hell!

- Gaz said he wanted something a bit flashy.

It's top of thee range. Real leather.

Yeah, but...

- You don't get much.

- (Horse) What day is it?

- Monday.

- When are we on?

Friday. Dress rehearsal tomorrow.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

How can I read the instructions?

There wasn't any.

No? Well, maybe there's a part missing.

Yeah, I got that. If that's what you call it.

Well, if it's all there,

how come it's not working?

What do you mean, in what sense?

It's not working

in the sense that it's not working.

No, I can't speak up.

Nothing's happening, you know what I mean?

Nothing's getting bigger.

Well, this is an emergency, is this.

What's the matter, big man?

I'm sorry.

Dave...

Dave.

( "Hot Stuff' byDonna Summer)

Wanna bring a wild man back home

Gonna have some hot love,

baby, this evening

I need some hot love, baby, tonight...

You're ahead.

- (music off)

- Give us a break!

All right, kid.

Tell us straight.

We're not making the biggest arses

of ourselves in the known universe, are we?

Dave, mate.

Can I have a word? ln private, like.

Yeah. I suppose so.

Dave, you won't tell anyone, will you?

No, your, er... Your secret's safe with me.

When I were about 12,...

..our school took us for...

for swimming lessons.

Mixed classes.

You know, boys...

..and... er...

..and girls.

Oh...

It were terrible, Dave. I were there...

..standing at t" side oft" pool in me trunks...

..with all these pretty lassies

around in bikinis!

And... Well, l...

I got, er...

I got a stiffy!

- What did you do?

- I jumped into t" deep end.

I nearly f***ing drowned!

What if it happens again?

Think of that, eh? In front of 400 women!

Gerald,...

..you're talking to t" wrong man.

- (Gerald) You said it were just your mum.

- (Horse) It's family.

- What can you do?

- Who the hell-fire's that?

(Horse) Oh, no.

It's Beryl.

Me niece!

Where's Dave?

"Ere, Dave!

Dave!

- What are you doing?

- What does it look like?

We're on in three days" time!

Where the f*** are you?!

I'm "ere, working! Earning! That's where.

Not pissing about!

End of chat.

Dave.

- Come on, Dave.

- No.

All right, then.

- Oooh, very nice.

- Gaz, please, don't.

- Come on, Mr Security Guard. Do your job.

- Gazza!

(Gerald)

Horse, go out and tell 'em there's a delay.

(Horse) They won't wait for ever.

Keep up, you fat bastard!

(alarm rings)

Don't ever call me a fat bastard, all right?!

- All right?!

- We need you, Dave.

I can't.

I just can't. All right?

Listen, just think of thee most boring thing

you can come up with.

- That should keep it well in order.

- Like what?

- Double-glazing salesmen.

- Gardening. The Queen's speech.

(Guy) A Dire Straits double album.

- Nature programmes.

- I like nature programmes.

Aye, but they don't give you a hard-on,

though, do they?

- Do they?

- (sniggering)

- Blimey...

- Oh, shut up! It's not funny. It's medical.

(door opens)

He's not coming.

It's all right. We can do without him.

( 'rock And Roll Part2" by Gary Glitter)

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

He-ey!

Hey!

Huh! Huh!

(music blares)

(music blares)

Hey-ey!

Hey!

Hey!

Huh!

Hey!

(music off)

So your daddy dances in front of you?

When he's rehearsing.

We were dancing all right then, an" all.

My feet are freezing.

Right. Name.

Gary Schofield.

- Gerald Arthur Cooper.

- What?

Gerald Arthur Cooper.

- Barrington Mitchell.

- Barrington?

Yeah.

- Is that one R?

- Two.

(baby cries)

Told you. Robbing pipes, that's all.

Gary, my friend,...

..no bugger robs pipes in the buff.

We do.

Don't get your clothes dirty, do you?

Oh. Well, don't fret, gents. There's

a right good laundry in Wakefield prison.

Eh?

Security-camera tapes off the front desk.

What happened to the security guard?

(laughter)

You're always ahead there.

You're always bloody behind, more like.

Look... Excuse me,

can I borrow this for a second?

(giggling)

Look, shut up, will you?! Watch.

(inspector) He's right.

- You're ahead.

- Oh, go... bollocks!

- (giggling)

- Ssh!

(dog barks)

Ooh!

Ssh! Be quiet! Me mum'll hear.

- I've always wanted to meet your mum.

- Ssh!

What do you mean, I can't see him?

He's me son! I haven't been charged!

Ask Smiler in there! No charge!

Sorry. Social Services have requested

an interview with you.

Have to make an appointment.

- I've come to pick up my son.

- Oh, right. Er...

Just a minute.

He's fine. We've not been charged or owt.

So this is your great money-making

enterprise? Pornography?

Don't be daft! We're getting your money.

My money?! Nathan's money!

- (inspector) Here he is.

- All right, Dad?

- All right, kid?

- Yeah, fine. Hi, Mum.

Come on, love.

We're going now.

- Come on, Mand!

- Unemployed,...

..maintenance arrears of700,

and now an arrest for indecent exposure.

- Still think you're a good father?

- He is trying.

- See?

- A bit late for that.

- Hang on a minute!

- Look at yourself, Gary!

Just look at yourself.

All right, mate?

So.

And this has been going on how long?

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