The Full Monty Page #6

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About six months.

I can cope with losing the sunbed.

Car. Television.

I can even cope with the shame

of everyone watching this.

But six months! Six bloody months!

And you wouldn't say to me,...

..to your wife.

I thought you liked them.

No, Gerald. I've never liked 'em.

(knock at door)

They've taken me sunbed.

They've taken bloody everything.

- Kept hold of your chips, though.

- House repossessed.

Wife thrown me out.

Guess what.

I've just been offered that job.

Congratulations.

- All right, kid?

- Hiya!

- Fancy a kick-about int" park?

- Yeah.

(car door slams)

Nathe.

Hi ya. All right, love?

You shouldn't be here.

- Says who?

- Read the lawyer's letter, why don't you?

We're going swimming, Dad.

Do you wanna come?

I can't, kid.

Haven't brought me trunks, have l?

- We can go get 'em. Can't we, Mum?

- I can't, love.

Why?

I just...

I just can't. Sorry.

He's not allowed, is he?

Come on, love.

(whispers) Dave!

Oi, you deaftwat!

What do you want now?

I told you, I'm finished with you.

We're all finished, Dave.

I'm a bloody marked man now.

Sorry about your Nathan. It's a bad one, that.

Aye.

It's about Lomper.

What's that pasty-faced chuffer want?

His mum died two days ago.

Ah.

Poor lad. Sorry.

- Could you borrow us a jacket for t" funeral?

- Gaz...!

Come on, Dave!

It's not for me, it's a funeral!

What colour?

Orange.

- Orange?

- Black, for f***'s sake!

All right. Look, I'll meet you by t" doors.

- Nice one.

- Come on, then.

- Have you got some time off?

- Nah.

F***ing pick'n'mix

were driving me crazy.

Besides, it's a funeral.

- Are you ready?

- Ready when you are.

- (alarm rings)

- Yaaa!

( "Abide With Me')

(band members join in)

(Gaz) They bloody are, you know.

They're holding hands.

- They're never.

- Straight up.

I never even hold hands with ruddy lassies.

Maybe I should.

Ah, who'd have ruddy thought it, eh?

Ah, well. There's not as queer as folk.

I said, 'there's not as queer as folk"!

Shut up, Dave.

It's supposed to be a bloody funeral.

I'm sorry.

- (girl) 'ey, look! Who's that?

- It's that guy!

Show us your pecs!

(whooping)

(girl) They were together in the paper,

weren't they?

Have you been actively seeking work

over the last fortnight?

Yeah.

Have you done any work,

paid or unpaid, over the last fortnight?

No.

That's not what I've heard.

Right, come on, you lot!

'slaidburn."

One, two, three, four.

( 'the Stripper')

(men hum 'the Stripper')

- Go get shagged!

- Get your knickers off!

(car horn)

Oh, f***!

Hey, Patricia the Stripper!

- Bugger off.

- Where have you bloody been?

What's going on? I had to buy 20 barrels!

I've had no word from you!

I hope they're sale or return.

You're joking! You're bloody famous!

Yeah, don't remind me.

- I've sold 200-odd tickets!

- How many?

Well done, Gerald. All the best.

Hey! Example for you there!

- Nice suit, Gerald!

- Yeah.

(Gerald) Well, l... I'd best be off.

You never know,

there might be a job in it for you boys.

- All right, lads?

- All right, Gaz?

- Gareth.

- We're on.

We're bloody on!

- You what?

- We've sold 200 tickets. That's two grand!

(Gerald) It's a bit late for all that, Gaz.

I mean...

I mean fresh start, you know.

One more time, Gerald.

You've got the rest of your f***ing life

to wear a suit!

- (Horse) Gerald...

- (Guy) Aye, go on!

Come on, Gerald.

- Just once.

- Yes!

That's all. Just tonight.

How about it, Dave?

Haven't you grown out of all that yet?

Come on, mate.

Nah. Sorry, lads.

Jean?

Jean, love!

(footsteps on stairs)

There you are.

I should have guessed

when you started wearing totty lotion.

You never put it on for me, did you?

- Jean?

- Or this?

I never had you down

for this sort of caper, David.

It explains a few things, at least.

No, look...

I know it don't look good.

You're bloody right it don't.

All those nights you were late back...

..and stupid cow here thought

you were out looking for a job!

Well, no wonder.

No bloody wonder.

- It's so obvious.

- No, I were with Gaz, honest.

Oh, right!

She's one of Gaz's little tarts, is she?

Well, that makes sense.

She'd have to be

to put up with this kind of sh*t!

Just listen, will you?!

It's not to do with any f***ing women!

I'm...

I were a stripper, right?

Me and Gaz and... some fellas thought

we'd make a bob or two taking us clothes off.

Strippers?

All right, all right, I know.

You... and Gaz?

Strippers?

We weren't that bad.

Only I couldn't, could l?

Why not?

Well, look at me.

So?

Jeanie, who wants to see this dance?

Me, Dave.

I do.

(Gaz) Women only, you tosser!

Women only!

It's on all t" posters, for f***'s sake.

No, nobody told me.

All the blokes from t" pub are in there.

- Bastards!

- You'll be all right once you're on stage.

Once I'm on stage?

I'm going nowhere near the f***ing stage!

It's suicide! That's what it is! Suicide!

(audience chants)

(all) Come on, come on! Come on, come on!

Come on, come on! Come on!

Sh*t! I'll give the money back.

Alan, announce it, please.

To 400 horny punters?

Ask me another one, kid!

(Alan) By "eck!

Our old dinner lady's ont" front row!

- We'll get torn to pieces!

- You will if you don't go on!

Ever seen a zebra brought down

by a pack of wolves?

- These nature films. Aren't they marvellous?

- Brilliant, aren't they?

- They are, aren't they, Gerald?

- Oh, pack it in!

- Not lost your bottle, have you, Gaz?

- (all) Dave!

There were not on telly

so I thought I'd give it a go.

- I found this wandering about outside.

- They wouldn't let me in.

What the hell are you doing "ere?

Your mum'll go mad!

- She's out front.

- Is she?

Is Barry with her?

She wouldn't let him come.

Said it were women only.

Right! I can't hold them any longer!

It's now or never!

(Dave) Here we go. We're bloody on.

Go get your jacket on.

Can't we leave us G-strings on, Gaz?

Perhaps you better had.

No, we better hadn't.

Listen.

If we're doing this, then just this once,...

..we're doing it right.

Now, come on.

(Alan) Come on, put your hands together...

..and welcome Mr Dave Horsefall!

(cheering)

OK, ladies and gents...

and you buggers up the back there!

Get on with it!

We may not be young, we may not be pretty,

we may not be right good,...

..but we're here.

We're live, and for one night only...

- ..we're going for the full monty!

- (cheering)

You can't miss it, not after everything.

- (Gerald) Come on, Gaz! Hurry up!

- Sorry, lads.

Good luck, eh?

( "Keep Your Hat On" by Tom Jones)

Huh!

Baby, take off your coat...

Listen.

I'm gonna get really annoyed with you.

They're cheering out there. You did that.

Now get out there and do your stuff.

God, is there anyone

I don't get bollocked by?

Out!

Baby, take off your dress

Yeah!

You can leave your hat on

You can leave your hat on

You can leave your hat on

Go over there!

Turn on the light!

No...

All the lights

Come back here

Stand on the chair

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