The Funhouse Massacre Page #2

Yeah, yeah. He speaks a different

dialect than I'm used to,

but I'll give it another whirl.

I hate Halloween.

All right. Come on.

You're a grown up.

You've got this, Morgan. You're the man.

Start acting like one. Just ask her out.

Just ask her out.

It's no big deal. Huh? Right?

I mean if she says no...

You do work together. So it'll be

awkward every time you see her,

- but if she says yes...

- Yes! Yes!

If she says yes, then you date

for a while, and then she dumps you.

Stop, no. No, you're doing it again.

Don't stop! Don't stop!

Just, okay, look, you're a gentleman.

You're a gentleman. Go up to her.

- Just walk up and say...

- God, I love your tits!

Jesus, just walk up and say...

Lick them! Lick my tits! Lick my tits!

Really?

My God, okay.

Just walk up and say,

Laurie, I like you, and...

You make my dick so hard.

Okay. I can't do this.

Don't be jealous.

Storage closet? Really?

Yeah. Employees only, baby.

Your favorite customer awaits.

Yay.

You know, you're going to

have to give it up sometime.

Why not him?

I bet he'd be gentle.

Maybe even cuddle after.

I am not a virgin.

I don't know why you would think that.

Laurie, my 13-year-old

cousin has the same costume.

And even she is more

sexually active than you are.

Well, I blame Tinder for that.

And who are you supposed to be?

I'm Sexy Hillary Clinton.

What? You're saying you

wouldn't vote for these in 2016?

Wow. Christina, I had no idea

you were so into politics.

The mashed potatoes are lukewarm.

The steak tastes like a charred, dirty boot.

And what the hell is it you're wearing?

I'm the Seventh Dr. Who.

- Dr. What?

- Dr. Who.

I'm asking you what is the doctor's name.

No, I know what you're

asking me, I'm trying to tell you.

Dr. Who.

Now you're just being a smart ass.

Oh, you know, I'll tell you what, Charlie,

I'm gonna take this back

to the kitchen, all right,

and we're going to make you, like,

a brand-spanking new one.

Okay? No more dirty boot.

Jackass.

I'm Machete, motherf***er.

Well, you look like Pedro from Napoleon

Dynamite, if he was into bondage.

And you, what are you?

Saturday Night Live's fever?

Wow, you intentionally

mess up that reference?

No, I'm dressed up as a real life superhero.

Me. Did you see that game last week?

Yeah, no, you're an

intramural football legend.

And what are you, gay Sherlock Holmes?

Peace offering.

I need a Charlie special.

There you go.

Jesus came back from the dead

quicker than this plate.

Sorry.

Enjoy.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Do we really need five people

waiting on Charlie?

- No, we can let Jason do it.

- Shh.

Tonight is opening night

at the Macon County Funhouse,

a haunted attraction that

has caused some controversy

in recent weeks drawing

from local urban legends.

One maze is actually based on Manuel

Dyers mass suicide 10 years ago.

Is this in poor taste, or just

good old-fashioned spooky fun?

Either way, fun starts tonight at 9:00 P.M.

Back to you, Jack.

It's just a bunch of right-wing a-holes

trying to shut down our Halloween fun.

But if these are based on real crimes, those

people could have families around here.

What if the ghosts of the cult

are lurking in the halls?

- Oh, my God, we have to go.

- I'm in.

I'm taking the trash out.

Fine, we won't go.

Then you two can just

hang out together. Alone.

I'm down to hang out if you want to.

We can do that, we can hang out.

Just the... no, we don't have to.

It's not...

I didn't say no.

No, I know. I was just saying.

Like, in case you didn't want to.

I didn't want to assume or any...

Just... what? Forget it.

What?

- I lost my boner.

- I'm gonna kill you.

At this rate, you won't

get a handsy until you're 87.

Yeah, and you're going to

have herpes for the 87th time.

Yeah, he has herpes.

You can only get it once.

I don't have herpes.

Come on, guys.

You hit me in the head

with a can of creamed corn.

Well, you snuck up behind me in the dark.

- What do you expect?

- Oh, come on.

It's all in the spirit of Hallow's Eve cheer.

Speaking of which, Gerardo's going

to take us to the fun house.

You guys should come with.

What? I can't fit everybody.

Uh, you drive a Ford Ranger, Gerardo.

Okay, it's the largest of the compact trucks.

Fine, if you can fit in the back.

I have to keep the inside clean for Rosalina.

Listen, we're in. We've just got

to get these two pussies to go.

I didn't say that I wouldn't.

- Oh, come on, guys.

- If you didn't want to go...

Guy, come on, it's not

like the funhouse is positioned

creepily in the middle of nowhere with

only a broken down asylum nearby.

Haunted by the ghosts of its

dead, deranged inmates.

What's there to be afraid of? Come on.

- Everything that you just said.

- Mm-hmm.

Woo!

Let's go, come on!

Let's do it!

Will somebody bring me my check?

Everything set up like we planned?

Yes, Daddy.

Then let's give the boys a

tour of their new playground.

Maybe the news is right.

I mean, this whole thing

feels a little exploitative.

You think our customers are

gonna care that our theme

is too realistically violent?

That's like getting mad that porn

has too much real sex in it.

And that "bad press" is only helping us.

#getkilledinmacontonight

is twittering on the Tweezer.

Who cares if someone's feelings get hurt?

Tweezer is not a thing.

What about your electric fence?

I don't want any punk kids

trying to sneak in for free.

Pay, or don't play.

Oh, my God!

I see the animatronics work.

Hope you didn't sh*t your pants there, Walt.

You still got seven hours

on my clock, let's go.

Weed!

Hey, that's some expensive sh*t.

I was done with it.

F***ing Dennis double booked us.

Wait...

No.

No! This is wrong!

Look at these portions!

I didn't run a goddamn Cheesecake Factory!

These aren't even taxidermist tools.

Sorry, friends.

I got a new flock now.

Un-freaking-believable.

On the biggest night of my life,

and you guys are getting wacky

with the illegal paraphernalia.

Does this look like Colorado to you?

Do I look like John Freaking Denver?

You trying to get me arrested, guys?

Nobody's gonna get arrested.

It's basically legal everywhere.

Not in my workplace.

Not now, not ever.

Now listen, you guys better pull your sh*t...

Whoa! That's a hot mic. My apologies.

Listen! Handle this!

Uh... guys...

You should all get back to...

Aw, f*** it. Let me hit that thing.

My fellow maniacs, all we wanted was

for our grim art to be seen by the world.

But they shunned us, locked us away,

and now they have the gall

to profit off what they fear.

I don't know what Dennis told you,

but I'm the Stitchface Killer tonight.

And your make-up looks terrible.

I'm giving you a second

chance to go down in history

as the most deranged sons

and daughters of b*tches

this world has ever seen.

No-one will ever forget our names.

We will be the fuel to

their nightmares forever.

I think I'm gonna put

you in the Heisman pose.

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