The Funhouse Massacre Page #3

I wonder where that other ass clown went.

Oh, what the f***!

So tonight we're going to play a little game.

What the hell do you think

you're doing, Daniel Day Lewis?

This P.A. system is for announcements

and emergencies only, not...

Hey, I didn't hire you.

Who the hell are you?

Well, you don't know me.

But I'm pretty sure you know her.

Eileen?

Hey, listen, man,

if you're her ex or something,

it didn't mean anything.

We were just fuckbuddies, okay?

That's not a very nice way

to talk about my daughter.

Your daugh...

Hey, uh... listen, pal,

I'm sure you're probably not

feeling good about the fact

that you couldn't keep her off the pole.

That girl's got issues, okay?

But this is a big night for me,

I built this place from the ground up.

- And I'll be goddamned...

- Your ego is astounding.

You think all this was your idea?

Damn straight.

My little Eileen and I have been

planning this for quite some time.

You were just a puppet, and she pulled

just the right strings to ensure

that you created the perfect

forum for our return.

Sadly, Pinocchio,

we no longer have any use for you.

I hope you like lawsuits.

'Cause I'm gonna sue the sh*t out of you.

Where was I?

Aw, yes. Daddy has lots of

presents for you tonight,

so, just like Christmas,

feel free to rip them open.

This girl used to kill

popular kids at school.

She used to stitch their eyeballs!

- She did!

- No, she didn't.

What was her name?

What was her name? You remember.

- Her name is Stitchface.

- There it is.

- My God!

- That's right.

My brother's best friend's sister's cousin

knew one of the kids that went missing.

There are so many degrees

of separation in that.

So Stitchface, she's up

in Statesville too, huh?

Some say there are

dozens of criminally insane

patients still up at Statesville.

- Randall and I have been there 100 times.

- It was like, two times.

And I'll tell you, it's more surveiled

than Morgan's internet history.

Okay, my cousin's Larry's

uncle's best friend...

You're such... shut up!

Okay, knew a guy who disappeared.

Oh, my God.

Well, I don't know about you guys, but so

far this traffic jam ride's pretty sweet.

- Yeah.

- Gerardo!

- Why are we not moving?

- Shut up!

Woo!

I hate Halloween.

Why?

Because you always send us to

the same cheesy haunted houses.

Play the same 12 pop songs to the

same annoying pre-pubescents.

That's why we should get into podcasts.

Nobody listens to the radio anymore.

Why don't you partner

with my nephew, who's 10?

Come on, we're partners.

We're Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

We're as dead as they are on radio.

- Can I...

- Hi.

Help you two gents?

- Uh, I'm Bob.

- And I'm Dave.

We're Dr. Dave and Mr. Bob.

- Senor Bob.

- Whatever.

We're the DJs from WKDE, and we're

here to cover the opening.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You're the two guys from

that morning radio show.

Well, yeah. We used to be.

- About 15 years ago.

- 17.

Oh, yeah.

It's been a while since

I could listen to the radio.

Is that, uh...

Yeah, well, can't say I blame you.

I wouldn't listen to us

either if I didn't have to.

Yeah. Uh, amigo, you got a little, um...

flavor saver right...

Right there, yeah. Huh?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, don't...

No, don't do that.

Okay! Okay.

- Okay, you got it.

- Got it. You did it.

Uh, listen, uh...

I'll just tell my guys

to bring the trucks back to...

Back of the beard... back of the building.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

The stage is right in the center.

That's great.

- Super, thank you.

- All right.

- Bon appetit.

- All right. Nice guy.

Dr. Dave.

Welcome.

Oh. Free to the clergy.

Well, I don't know about

you, Bob, but it looks like

a killer scene tonight here

at the Macon County Funhouse

on the Land of Illusion stage.

That is right, Dr. Dave.

People are literally losing their

heads to get in here tonight.

It's crazy.

I hope you mean that figuratively, Bob.

Otherwise, I'm making a run for it.

I'll be right behind you.

Stand here, please. Thank you.

As I've always said, folks,

quit while you're ahead.

- Absolutely.

- While you have a head.

Perfectly said. Quit while you're giving...

No, we can't go there.

I've never been here but I don't like...

Welcome!

You'll not escape this park!

I'm totally Instagramming this.

We may need crowd control.

I haven't seen a line like this

since that Justin Bieber concert.

- Are you a Bieber fan?

- I'm not a Belieber, Bob.

- Okay.

- Not a Belieber.

You go first, Robbie.

I'm not scared.

Where's Robbie?

He's probably outside waiting for us.

The haunted hayride is the same thing.

#besthauntedhouseever.

#ourfriendgotkidnappedbykillers!

#longesthashtagever.

Uh, don't forget, folks, you bring

six two liter bottles of Shasta,

- what do they get, Bob?

- You get $5 off the entry fee.

That's right, folks. Cashta for your Shasta.

You'll be saving an arm and a leg.

Okay.

I tell you what, we're going

to take a little break here,

and we'll be back in a few minutes.

Keep on having a good time

there, Macon county.

That is not a good deal, Bob.

Getting off in 40 minutes.

Oh, where you going, Danny Lame-o?

This place is too scary for me.

Besides, only white people like this sh*t.

Hey, how are we gonna get home?

There are a lot of white people.

Jesus Christ.

Okay, please tell me that he licked

his lips at all of you, not just me?

We're in. We're in, baby!

Adorbs. Who's protecting you?

Why are you friends with her?

We work together.

Just such a c*nt.

No way you live, no way.

Oh, got you, top hat.

Yeah.

Picked the wrong

sheriff's deputy to mess with.

Got you dead to rights, brown

jacket guy with weird hair.

Ooh, trick shot. Nobody can stop me.

I'm unstoppable.

Like Jesse James.

Macon County Sheriff's Office,

Deputy Doyle speaking.

They killed my friend!

There's blood everywhere, please help!

Yeah! Oh, yeah, Um...

Just, sorry, one second.

You called the right place. Um...

Please just try to remain calm.

Uh, police are coming. Where are you?

I'm at the Macon County Funhouse

Someone killed my friend!

Okay. Did you get a good look at the killer?

She looked like your mom last night!

What? That doesn't even make any sense.

That's what she said.

That makes even less sense

than what you just said.

This line is for emergencies only, okay?

I have called ID. If you call back,

your butt will be arrested.

I can trace you.

My butt? Who talks like that?

Who... The Law.

The Law is who talks like that.

Okay? I am the Law.

Not gonna let one bad apple sour my night.

No! Really?

I was on level 48.

Oh, dude, why do you think

we like this so much?

Uh, obviously it's the high

of fight or flight adrenalin...

Help me!

Please!

Why, what's happening?

Oh, they gotta cast some better actors,

because you suck, dude! You suck.

No! Oh, God, ah!

I don't want to go first,

I don't want to go first.

I don't want to go first, ah!

Stop it.

I feel like they're real.

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