The Funhouse Massacre Page #4

I feel like they're going to jump out.

- Why are we in the front?

- I don't know.

- Oh, look at his...

- That's gross.

That's awful!

Come on, man.

I'm Vining this.

Help me! Help me, please!

Christina, come on!

Oh, oh!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's amazing.

That's amazing, dude, did you see that?

Get some of that sh*t.

You're doing good.

- Go, go, go.

- No.

Sadly, this place is less depressing

than my actual high school.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God, this looks so real.

It's probably pig intestine.

It's what they use in Day of the Dead.

How do you know that?

Uh, I'll take weed and Wikipedia instead

of paying for college for 500, Mr. Trebek.

Get away! Get away from me!

- Jason, stop!

- I'm coming, I'm coming.

Oh, dude.

There's got to be something there, for sure.

Yeah.

Sh*t, that looks so real.

Her neck literally slit open.

That other one's f***ing hot.

That was awesome!

Can you help me find a bathroom?

- Hell, yes.

- Wow, real subtle.

I'm sorry, was that too subtle

for your virgin ears?

We're gonna go f***.

Go find a funnel cake or something.

Funnel cake. Uh-huh.

And then there were two.

Um...

Do you ring toss?

Well, not like professionally.

I don't think I know anyone

who does that professionally.

Oh, no?

My cousin's brother's sister knows a guy.

Oh, who's best friends

with the national champion...

Fresh security guard.

Sashimi grade.

Philistine.

Mami, I thought you said you

were getting off work soon.

I know, I'm ready for you.

You got more patients?

You know I'm going to be

your only patient tonight.

No, no, of course I'm ready.

No, I can't go to your place.

You know your cat hates me.

I'm also a little allergic

to cats, I told you.

Oh, I'm not allergic to that cat, baby.

In 30, 35 minutes?

What?

Okay, fine, okay.

Tell me what to do.

No, the big one, the big one.

Was that girl hotter than me?

- Of course not.

- That's what I thought.

Hey, don't let that touch the ground.

I'm not gonna put that back on now.

Okay. Oh, yeah.

You hear something?

Of course I heard something.

We're in a haunted funhouse.

- Don't be silly.

- Sorry.

Oh, yeah! Oh, to the left.

Left, left, left. No, no, no, the right.

A little bit. Yeah.

Right there, right there, right there.

God! You suck at this.

Come here.

- Sorry!

- Oh, yeah.

Call me a superhero.

Superhero! Oh, yeah!

Oh, my God!

I got a cramp, I got a cramp.

Okay, yeah.

Call me Mr. President. Call me Mr. President.

Yeah, off the forehead.

Oh, come on.

Let me guess. Your friend's

been murdered at the funhouse.

They're coming after me now.

Wow, that was actually pretty realistic.

Why don't you freshen up?

I'll go get us a corn dog.

I think I've had enough meat for one night.

You want a beer, then?

Does it look like I drink beer?

Well, does it look like

they have skinny margaritas?

Do you think they've ever

had sex in a non-public place?

Nope. They're shameless.

But I get sometimes how

the danger element can be fun.

Don't you think?

No. No, I get nervous peeing at the diner.

Okay.

So, um...

Have you ever had sex in a public place?

Oh.

- Maybe.

- Yeah?

But I usually save

the sex talk for the third date.

So...

Finally got one.

So, which date is this?

I'm sorry, what?

Uh...

I was just saying that it's your turn.

...just like all my favorite stuff.

Um, what about liquid nitrogen?

Walt Disney, the T-1000, and, uh, semen.

That's the weirdest

conversation I've ever heard.

Always.

- Hey.

- Here he is.

That was fast.

That's what your mom said last night.

Oh!

Not a good thing, if she said that.

It was a good thing when she said it

to me, because I was still inside.

Oh, double down the mom joke.

You never stop.

I won't stop. Not until she tells me to stop.

- There's a hat trick.

- I'm hitting it right.

Oh, come on, guys.

Jeez.

Someone takes their job

a little too seriously.

What are you gonna do? Cut me with that?

Okay, isn't this a timeout

zone for the freak show?

Crazy b*tch!

You cut my face!

She should be here by now.

Maybe she got lost.

This place is literally a maze.

Yeah, you guys are right.

We should definitely split up

and go look for her.

Yeah, especially if there's

some candy apples on the way.

It's like babysitting toddlers.

Who are always stoned.

B*tch!

You'll pay for my face!

Hodges.

This is Sam Myers. I received a

call from your deputy, Doyle

about one of my reporters, Jessica Quinn.

Yes, do you happen to

know why she was in town?

She's a freelancer, I

really don't know anything

until the story's on my desk.

But before she left she mentioned something

about an old asylum near your town.

Is everything okay?

Thank you for your help. Be in touch.

You've reached the voice-mail

of Deputy William Doyle.

Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

That was me.

Is that Christina?

- Christina!

- Jason, wait up!

Guys? Guys?

Where the f*** are you guys?

Guys?

Oh, sh*t.

Jason!

Okay, guys, we already split up twice.

Third time is not a charm!

- Laurie!

- Come on!

Where are you? Christina?

Jason?

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Christina! Christina, baby!

Christina!

Christina, baby!

What the f*** is going on here?

Oh, my God!

- F***ing...

- No, no, no!

We have to get out of here!

No talking in class.

We have to get out of here!

Hey! Hey, guys.

Where have you guys been?

- Um, we've been...

- Looking for Christina.

- No, no, no!

- Jason, Jason, Jason!

- Jason!

- Whoa, man, what's the matter?

It's not funny, you guys. This is all real.

- People are dying!

- It's locked!

- They locked us in!

- Oh, come on. What?

We can't get out. They locked us in.

Now would be a good time to run.

I always thought a fear of clowns was

just subverting what used

to be a happy childhood memory.

Although this clown is pretty scar...

- Randall!

- Wow.

This town was a paradise

before you brought in

all your dugs and hook-whores...

prostitutes and violence.

You scum make me sick, you know that?

Doyle

Hi. Just, uh... You scared

the bejeesus out of me.

Why aren't you answering your phone?

Uh, had a coffee accident.

Again?

Why is the station line off the hook?

Yeah, sorry about that.

It was just a bunch of prank callers

from the funhouse messing with me.

Gear up. We're going to Statesville.

The asylum?

We're going on a mission. It's go time.

This is so cool.

All right, right behind you, sheriff.

Do you have an extra set of keys?

Mikey, hurry!

Wait, wait, wait! It's Mikey!

- Wait, Laurie!

- Come on.

Come on!

What the f***!

Go, go, go!

They've locked the gate!

- Climb it!

- No, it's electric, it's electric!

- Go under!

- Oh, God!

Laurie, go under!

- Sh*t!

- Come on! Laurie!

Get off my friend!

No! Jason!

Just go!

No!

- Morgan, go get help!

- Laurie!

Miss?

Are you okay?

Are you dead?

Holy f***.

Sheriff's department. Anybody here?

Are you hoping the killer answers us?

I thought that's what we're supposed to say.

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