The Funhouse Massacre Page #5

He's dead. He's definitely dead.

Oh, okay. I'll follow you.

Doyle.

Go on without me, it's okay.

What kind of shoes are you wearing?

Dispatch, I need immediate

backup and forensics

- to my location, now.

- What's going on?

What were you saying about

the kids and those prank calls?

Just that their friends were being

murdered at the Funhouse, why?

What, what?

Oh, crapola.

I hate nature. I hate nature.

Woo! I'm saved!

Stop, or I'll shoot!

Wait, what?

What the f***?

Hands where I can see them!

I can't raise my right arm

because you just shot it!

Did I say take the shot?

I'm sorry, there was a lot going on.

I don't remember, honestly.

I take it you're not one of the bad guys.

The bad... oh, you mean

the deranged serial killers

who are pretending to be haunted house

characters and killing everybody?

No, I just came from there.

I didn't know it was more dangerous out here.

- May I?

- Yes.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

In my defense, I yelled at you

from the cop car, but you just...

kept running at me.

I don't have a weapon.

You're threatened by my

awkward running skills?

You barely grazed him.

Now, you said killers, with an "s".

How many are we talking about?

Yeah, I don't know.

It was like, five or six, I think.

Oh.

We have to go in there.

Jesus.

Okay, time out. Quick headcount here.

You me and this kid are going to go

take on five or six serial killers?

With no backup?

I thought you could use some help.

After all, Machete does the cutting.

I'm confused. Is that the real Machete?

I've never seen the films.

They're too violent for me.

It's okay.

That's it, that's it.

I bet you've got great teeth.

No! No!

Your bicuspids...

Somebody must be a teeth grinder, huh?

One patient at a time!

Get off of me! Get off of me!

Hey, Doc?

I always hated going to the dentist.

Come on. Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- Come on.

I got you.

Wowsa, sure glad we get to watch the mayhem

from the safety of our booth, Bob.

Well, yowza, Dr. Dave,

I wouldn't be too sure,

because here comes one

of those maniacs right now.

And I got to tell you folks,

these guys take their jobs

real, uh, seriously.

I am kind of freaked out

by weirdo Jesus here.

You should be.

Uh-oh, folks. Looks like

Bob just got murdered.

It's about time. Bob?

Okay, joke's over, you got me.

You know what I hate more than...

stupid people?

- Velcro? Democrats?

- F***ing radio DJs.

- We're live on the air.

- F***! I'm sorry.

What's wrong with you, bozo?

Pretty much everything.

Hello, boys and ghouls.

We've come to a very special

portion of the evening.

You having a good time?

These games look so fun.

I'm not going to play them now

with all these dead people.

That would be in poor taste.

If you say one more thing,

I will shoot you myself.

All right, come on.

You're gonna be okay.

Why did you do that?

Are you crazy? Do you know

what's happening out there?

Yeah, I'm taking nutshots from a bumblebee.

Okay, come on, you have to help me.

What the hell happened to him?

You don't want to know.

I am amazed at how desensitized you all are.

You have been lapping up gore

like a ride at Disneyland.

You truly are sick individuals.

But the thing is, it's all been real.

It's all been real.

We really are killing people

and we have been all evening.

You don't believe me.

You don't believe me?

He's alive?

Relax, Catherine. It's only death.

I think it's time for our final act.

Make it a good one, boys!

Move! Move!

You guys collect as many people as you

can and get them the hell out of here.

What are you gonna...

Okay, uh, guess it's just us three amigos.

That's because it's three of us.

Not because I'm racist.

I have a lot of Mexican friends.

A couple blacks.

Let's go.

Hey! I don't do take out!

Hey, man, what the hell? Get off of me!

I can't walk anymore.

Okay. You're gonna be okay.

He literally can't walk.

He's gonna get us killed.

He can hear you.

Hey, man, I'm getting the f*** out of here.

You look nice today, Mom.

Oh, Laurie, please be okay.

Hurry, hurry!

Head towards the main road,

help's on the way. Go! Move!

Move! It's okay.

Clown!

Whoa, okay.

No way you live. No way.

Oh, shoot. Okay, yeah.

Oh, come on!

Oh, fiddlesticks.

You are so bad at this.

Morgan!

Holy sh*t!

Holy sh*t!

Oh, oh, not dead! Not dead!

Still alive! Still alive!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Gerardo!

Officer.

Um, he was a friend.

The maniacs got him.

I just wanted to dress him properly.

I know this looks bad, but...

They gave me inferior tools.

You can shoot him.

Aw.

There was so much more blood than I expected.

I've never shot a man.

Clearly.

All right, get it out.

Okay, uh, just give me a minute.

I got this, uh...

Standby for a plan.

Okay, there are plenty of people out there

right now that still need our help.

We can selfishly try and save ourselves,

or we fight back.

That, uh, took the words

right out of my mouth.

That's exactly what I was gonna say.

So, what psychos do we have left?

Well, there's Creepy Clown Dude.

Psycho Stitch-b*tch. Tubby chef.

Yeah, and Jesus Manson.

Okay, Bumblebee, you go gather

a group and go after Stitchgirl.

Machete and Dr. Who go after Tubby Chef.

And I'll take Creepy Jesus.

What about Scary Clown Dude?

Uh...

Just hope none of us run into him?

- Yeah, that sounds good.

- Yeah.

- That's a good plan.

- Great. All right.

Okay.

- Laurie?

- Yeah?

I'd really love that third

date so let's try not to,

you know, die, okay?

Okay.

I guess that's us.

Let's go.

Third date.

- You ready?

- Yeah.

I can't believe how many of you

allowed us to kill you tonight.

We finally have a challenger.

Daddy!

Don't worry, sweetheart, the gun

pointed at my head is purely for show.

This young lady and I go way back.

She's just a bit irked about her mother.

I've got her.

Guys?

I knew it was gonna be me.

Are you using me as a human shield?

Absolutely not.

Don't move!

I thought we'd lost you in the fire.

Turn around.

Turn around.

Look at you.

You're so beautiful.

It's uncanny.

You look so much like your mother.

Relax, Dad.

It's only death.

You want a cook-off, b*tch?

Think fast, fry cook.

Why the f*** is that on?

No! No!

Son of a b*tch.

You got this, Doyle. You got this.

Hey there, big guy.

You know, I've been thinking. You and I,

we got off on the wrong foot completely.

I shot at you first.

That, that's on me, you know?

And, honestly, for someone who would wear

another person's face

on top of their own face,

you seem like a fairly

reasonable, human thing.

So why don't you just

stop swinging the hammer,

put it down and you and I can talk about it?

Man to giant man.

Or not.

Wyatt Earp, mother...

Hey, Stichbitch.

Now we all have fun toys.

Let's play.

Let's have a family reunion...

in Hell.

F***!

Whoa, no, no, no, no!

Don't shoot! It's me, Doyle.

You guys, I cannot believe that we survived.

What are the odds?

Morgan?

Yeah?

No, no, no, no, no, no!

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