The Gift Page #3

Okay.

- Did it sound that bad?

- No.

No, I'm just being silly.

Let's get back to the party.

Okay.

- They're charming. Right?

- Yeah.

And they'll probably have good

dirty jokes every once in a while.

What have we got?

Here.

- Uh-oh.

- "Thanks for a lovely dinner.

- "Return the favor."

- No.

"Hope you don't mind."

Smiley face.

Fish food.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Well, we have to

thank him this time.

- For what?

- Coming onto our property without asking?

- No.

- This is not troubling to you?

I really don't think

that he meant it to be troubling.

He wouldn't see it

like that, he just...

He just thinks he's

giving us some fish.

You know, they used to

call him Weirdo in school.

Gordo the Weirdo.

That's not very nice.

Everybody had a name.

I was Simple Simon.

Yeah. Kids.

Kids are mean.

Kids are honest.

Why do you get

a name like Weirdo?

Hmm?

Well, I think that

he's misunderstood.

- Maybe.

- Mmm.

It's not our job to

figure out what he is.

Sure.

I can tell you

he's a reverse thief.

Breaking in to give us something?

It's not very bright.

Right.

Mmm-hmm.

I hope his next gift

is a sushi knife for those fish.

You got a new friend.

Ha-ha.

Someone's got a buddy.

Mmm-hmm.

Hi. I was in the area.

I was wondering, is... Oh.

Hey.

Is Simon home?

No. He's at work. Yeah.

I wanted to call you, actually,

to say thank you

for what you did.

The fish are beautiful.

Really beautiful. Thank you.

Well, ask and thou

shall receive, huh, Mr. Bojangles?

You know, most people think

that Sammy Davis Jr. or Nina Simone

wrote Mr. Bojangles,

but it's actually written by a guy

called Jerry Jeff Walker

who hardly anybody knows about.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Did not know that.

My dad named him, actually.

Well.

Yeah.

I was just about to make a pot of tea.

Do you drink tea?

- Yeah.

- Well, come in.

You can leave a note for Simon.

Okay.

I guess I speak to

some girls from high school,

the ones I was closest to.

Most of them, most of them

have children now.

Yep, that ought to do it.

Right, let's see.

- Forty percent less than the big-box guys!

- Hey.

Choose your favorite way

to save even more...

Simon's going to

love you for this.

Save 25% in finance,

interest free for 24 months,

or save 20% in financing,

interest free for 36 months.

What do you usually

watch at this hour?

Oh, nothing.

I should be working.

Like, really,

I should get back to work.

Oh, of course. Sorry.

Thank you though.

Really, so much for this.

It's a pleasure.

You know, they really make it seem,

you know, far more complicated

than it really should be.

- Hey, leave that.

- I will do it.

No, it's fine, really. Really.

You've already done too much.

Where do these live?

In the drawer under the microwave.

Oh.

And the trash goes...

Trash goes outside.

Normally, friendships

grow organically.

And if they don't

serve both parties,

they just kind of

organically dissipate.

Yeah, that'd be great.

What you're talking about is,

you know, an asymmetric thing.

A one-sided friendship?

I mean, essentially

you're being forced into a breakup.

- Yeah.

- No. No.

Although no, no, no. To be fair, this

guy actually sounds like an asset,

so I think you should

let him finish the house

and finish the garden and then

you cut the f***ing guy loose.

You know what,

I actually think he's nice.

And he's been very generous.

So then he saw the thing

that you wrote and then, what?

Yeah. So get this for confusing.

After he'd supposedly been offended

by what I wrote on the board,

he calls us a few

hours later on the phone

and he invites us

to a dinner party.

- At his house.

- Alone?

No. With another couple.

Well, surely you're not going

to accept the invitation.

After the whole insult thing,

I'm surprised he wants you around at all.

Unless he wants to chop

you guys up with an axe.

Yeah. Maybe he

didn't see what you wrote.

No, I'm pretty sure that he did.

Maybe he doesn't care.

Or he cares more about...

To not worry about it.

In this guy's defense,

she is way too nice, right?

- Yes.

- You two know that.

You're a bit of a

door-half-open kind of person?

I love you for it, but you know.

You could just politely decline,

and then not offer

another alternative.

But he would offer

an alternative, you know?

He'll keep coming around

and around and around, so...

So basically, eventually,

you two need to have a conversation.

That's what I'm thinking.

That's why I'm considering it.

I think you guys should be careful.

- Yeah.

- I wouldn't accept.

No. Me neither.

Well, I for one, would love to know

what happens if you do go.

Stop it.

As I said, I doubt we will.

Let's just try to

have a nice time, okay?

Yeah.

Holy sh*t.

Wow.

Got the right address, huh?

Yeah. I think so.

Ridiculous.

Guess we're first, too.

Yeah.

Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Got you something.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- Wow. Thank you.

Good to see you.

Come on in.

- Robyn, you look lovely.

- Thank you.

This is some place you've got.

Wow. Yeah.

It is something.

Very impressive.

Good for you, Gordo.

Gosh. Got a fire.

What an incredible place.

So, hey, take a seat,

and why don't...

- Let's have a drink.

- What's this?

Oh, that's a gift.

That's for you.

Huh.

What did you get?

Ooh. Great movie.

- Apocalypse Now, huh?

- Yeah.

It's going to be great

on your speaker system.

When The Ride of

the Valkyries comes on,

it's going to

sound like the choppers

are going from left to right. Like...

You know, around the room, see?

Yeah.

That's going to be amazing.

Thank you so much.

So, I guess Simon, red wine?

- Yes, please.

- Right.

Robyn? You don't drink?

No. I don't.

Water's fine?

- I got juice?

- Oh, no, water's fine.

- Gatorade?

- No, water is fine.

Okay.

So the other couple,

do we know them?

- Are they friends of yours?

- Yeah.

Yeah, they just

literally canceled.

They had a babysitter,

I guess. She...

Lined up,

and then she fell through.

So it's just us three.

Or is your wife going to join us?

Are you married?

I don't know if I ever asked you

if you were married.

That's a long story.

I forgot crackers.

Yeah, that's a long story.

The short version is no.

Crackers.

Not married.

- Hello?

- Okay.

What do you want?

I'm with, uh, people.

That salami looks good, huh?

Hey, be nice.

He's made an effort.

I'm really sorry.

That's an urgent work thing.

I'm going to have to step

out for a couple of minutes,

but it's not going to take me long.

I'll literally be less than five minutes.

Less than that.

Can you just relax?

Have a drink?

I'll be back as soon

as I can, I'm sorry.

Gordo?

Did he just leave us here?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think he did.

Is his car...

He's leaving us alone in his house?

He doesn't even know us.

- Yeah, well...

- What?

Maybe it's an emergency.

Well, he did say it

was an urgent work thing.

What is it that he even does?

This is... This is...

Bizarre...

Would we ever do this?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes