The Golden Boys

---

Jerry has...

excuse the expression... Clam fritters!

I'm not eating them alone! Come on.

Lorenzo.

Here, kitty.

Yeah! There you go!

They got to be the worst

clam fritters I ever ate.

Is that so?

Even Lorenzo thinks so.

Ain't no worse than that goose

you cooked last week.

Even my stomach

still gets upset just thinking about it.

Well, I promised John Bartlett.

I'd take his cranberry barrels

up to him, so...

...you two can match coins

to see who's going to wash the dishes.

I won't do them.

Blessed if I'd do the darn things

if Teddy Roosevelt himself asked me to.

Where's my hat?

I can't find anything in this mess.

I suppose you fellers think

I'm going to do them all the time.

Well, if you think that,

you're mistook. I ain't!

Aw, this... This just don't work.

It don't work.

What don't work?

This plan of ours.

I thought not going to sea,

settling down with you sailors...

...living on the cheap

was going to be the ticket.

It was going to be fine. But it ain't.

I mean, I don't mind

doing my share of the work.

You know, swabbing the deck, and...

But, I mean, that's not

the way it worked out.

I'm doing the work!

I'm just so sick of this!

I'm sick of living in a pigpen!

Well, now, I'll tell you what.

This craft...

...needs a steward.

A steward.

Or a woman!

A woman?

Yeah.

I'm not kidding. A woman.

We could use a housekeeper.

Nobody's talking about a housekeeper.

I'm talking about a woman.

This house needs a woman!

It's simple.

One of us has to get married.

- Married?

- Married.

And take the other two

as boarders into his house.

Look, when a shipwrecked crew is starving...

...one of them has to be sacrificed

for the good of the rest.

One of us has to get married

for the good of the other two.

Well, that's pretty good, Perez.

So...

...you going to be the first offering?

If it's my luck, yes.

But I had this idea...

...maybe we'd match for it

like we do for the dishes.

Well, I don't know.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you just marry...

...Melissy Busteed.

She's awful sweet on you.

No, you don't. She is the town gossip.

She's already buried two husbands...

...and I ain't looking to be the third.

Where you going to find this wife?

Well, sir, I'm about to show you.

The Nuptial Chime...

...a journal of matrimony.

Chock-full of advertisements...

...from women who wants husbands.

Well, seems to be a strong running...

...for "vivacious brunettes,"...

...and over here, "blondes of tender...

...and romantic dispositions. "

So, Mr. Perez...

...which one of these types

are you suffering for?

Why don't you hush up?

You really think that

I would write anyone in there?

What we have to do...

...is make our own advertisement.

Say exactly what kind of woman we want...

...and then sit back

and wait for the answers.

Simple.

What do you think about this, Jerry?

Well, seems like a good idea.

We got to do something...

...and that's the only sensible thing.

So you have to do it.

Yes, you do.

We agreed to stick together.

Two-to-one's a vote.

So you got to do it.

We'll match for it.

Come on, Zeb.

Ain't going to mutiny, are you?

All right.

I'll stick with the ship.

Heads.

Heads.

Tails.

Well, there it is.

Well...

...don't feel bad...

Jerry.

There it is.

It's Providence.

Me and Perez are bachelors.

We'd just be green hand.

You're an able seaman.

You already know...

...what it is to manage a wife.

Dang it to hell.

I know what it is...

...to be managed by a wife.

Hey! Here's Captain Zeb.

Well, Cap'n, how's she heading?

Well, I'd say pretty much

northeast by north.

Running fair, but watch out

for some wind ahead.

- I calculate you ain't heard the news, Zeb.

- Yeah?

Web Saunders has got his

original package license.

Come on the noon mail.

- Is that a fact?

- I seen it myself.

Web was showing it around.

We was wondering what kind of fit

John Bartlett would have now.

He's been pretty nigh distracted...

...ever since Web started

his billiard room...

...calling it a haunt, a sin,

and a whole lot more names.

And when he hears

that Web's going to sell rum...

...why, that's going to

set him off real good.

- Morning.

- Morning, Zeb.

Excuse me!

Whoa, Daniel.

I'm afraid I'm mixed in my directions.

A gentleman at the train depot

told me the way to the cable station.

But I've forgotten

whether I turn to the left...

...once I reached here or to the right.

How was you calculating to get there?

I intended to walk.

Did you tell those fellas at the depot

that you were going to try to walk?

- Certainly.

- One thing they forgot to tell you is...

...the station's out on the outer beach.

There's about a half a mile

of pretty wet water...

...between here and there.

- You don't mean it.

- I do.

Unless, of course, there's

been an almighty drought...

...since I was at the house.

I tell you what.

I'll give you a ride down to the shore...

...and find somebody to row you over.

Here. Give me your flipper.

There you go.

Thank you.

Come on, Daniel.

My name is Hedge.

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Hedge.

My name's Hazeltine.

Yeah. You're the new engineer

for the cable station.

All educated, I hear.

Whole town's been expecting you.

Is that right?

Who told you?

Well, I can't say for sure...

...but Melissy Busteed

got a hold of the information...

...and from there on, it's plain sailing.

You see, Chatham's not big enough

to have its own newspaper.

Come on, boy.

So...

...the Almighty gave us Melissy, I guess...

...as a sort of a substitute.

You play pool, Mr. Hazeltine?

Sure. Sometimes.

Yeah. Come on, Daniel.

Good boy.

John.

This is Mr. Hazeltine.

He's the new man at the cable station.

Mr. Hazeltine, this is

my friend John Bartlett.

- Captain John Bartlett.

- Nice to meet you, sir.

So I brought those barrels up for you.

Thanks, Zeb.

I'll probably be up sometime tomorrow.

I want to talk to you about that...

...billiard room business.

God Almighty's got his eye on that place...

...and on them that's running it.

Well, then, it's in good hands...

...and we won't have to worry, do we?

Boy, am I glad to see you.

First of all...

...how do you spell "conscientious"?

I don't.

What would you want to spell it for?

We've writ about 400

of these advertisements...

...and ain't one of them fit to feed a pig.

Perez has got such fancy notions...

...that only a circus bill

would make him feel happy.

I don't see why we can't have

something plain and simple...

...like, "Woman needed to wash dishes...

...and clean house for three men. "

Why wouldn't that be all right?

That's really going to get you...

...an answer from a woman

in a hurry, isn't it?

"Woman to wash dishes for three men"?

You think that that's a bait

to get you a wife?

Come on! You got to do better than that.

You got to be... I don't know...

soft-soap them...

...a little more high-toned, sir.

You got to make them think

that you're a catch!

I am a great catch...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes