The Golden Calf

---

Ilya Ilf and Eugene Petrov

THE LITTLE GOLDEN CALF

It was long ago...

Very long ago...

Very...

No, this is not Rio de Janeiro.

This is much worse.

Look up and down

before you cross the street

CHARACTERS:

Ostap BENDER

the great schemer

and commander of the "Antelopians"

His aids and associates:

Shura BALAGANOV,

Mikhail PANIKOVSKY,

Adam KOZLEVICH.

Alexander KOREIKO

the millionaire clerk

Comrade POLYKHAEV

the democratic and public-spirited chief

BERLAGA:

a bookkeeper

Yegor SKUMBRIEVICH

SINITSKY:

a puzzle-maker

Zosya SINITSKAYA

his grand-daughter

PLACE:
U.S.S.R.

TIME:
1930s.

Out of pants.

Poor Yorick!

Citizen! It is forbidden to touch anything here!

- By the way, what's the name of this city?

- Why? It is Arbatov.

Arbatov! Now I see.

No, This is not Rio de Janeiro.

Whom do you want, comrade?

What's your business?

Private.

Hello!

Hi!

Hi, don't you recognize me?

No, I don't.

And yet many people think that I am

remarkably like my farther.

I also resemble my farther.

What do you want, comrade?

The whole point is in the father.

I am the son of Lieutenant Schmidt.

Don't you remember?

Ochakov.

Yes, yes. Very glad you dropped in,

comrade Schmidt!

We get lost in work.

We forget the milestones of history.

- I suppose you're from Moscow?

- Yes, passing through.

Our churches are remarkable.

Government intends to restore them.

Tell me, and do you yourself remember

the rebellion on the battleship 'Ochakov'?

Dimly.

In those heroic times I was

extremely small. I was an infant.

- Excuse me, but what is your name?

- Nicholas... Nicholas Schmidt

And... your patronymic?

Ach, sorry.

Nowadays many people don't know

the names of heroes of revolution.

The pernicious NEP!

The old enthusiasm is lacking.

I came to your city quite by accident,..

...got into difficulties on the way,

lost all my money.

Don't worry, comrade Schmidt.

You did very well not to have gone

to a private trader.

I need only 50 rubles.

We are limited by the narrow frames

of the local budget...

That's all I can give.

Who's in charge here?

Everyone's waiting.

And he also should.

Everyone's waiting.

And he also should.

Come in, comrade.

Calm down, comrades!

This is comrade Schmidt.

Son of the hero of the revolution,

Lieutenant Schmidt.

But the comrade sitting there,..

...is the son of the great, unforgettable hero

Comrade Schmidt - Nicholas Schmidt.

It happens.

It doesn't look good...

Vasya!

Vasia! Don't you recognize me?

Shut up! Don't you recognize your brother Nick?

Of course I recognize my brother Nick!

Nick! I recognize him.

You're so grown up!

What a remarkable meeting!

Ochakov! Ochakov!

When did you come from Mariupol?

Where did you live there - at grandmother's?

Yes, I lived there - at her.

Why did you write me so rarely?

I was frightfully worried.

- I was busy. And why didn't you write?

- What do you mean I didn't write?

I sent you registered letters.

I have piles of receipts.

By the way, speaking of childhood.

When I was a child I used to kill guys like you

right on the spot. With a sling.

- Why? - Such are the implacable laws of life.

Life dictates to us its implacable laws.

What made you come to the private office?

Didn't you see that the chairman was not alone?

- I thought...

- Oh, so you thought! Are you a thinker?

What is your name, Thinker?

Jean Jacques Rousseau?

Marcus Aurelius? Spinoza?

Well, I forgive you. You may live.

And now let's get acquainted.

We're brothers, and kinship has its obligations.

My name is Ostap Bender.

- Permit me to learn your original surname.

- Balaganov, Shura Balaganov.

I'm not asking about your profession,

but I can guess.

I'm sure it must be something intellectual.

- Have you been tried many times this year?

- Twice. - Now that's bad.

No man should come to trial.

That's an ugly occupation. I'm referring to theft.

I'm sure your mother made you familiar

with such a doctrine.

It is moreover an aimless waste

of strength and energy.

Look, do you see that man in a straw hat?

I see. What of it?

Is he the governor of Borneo?

- That is Panikovsky, a son of Lieutenant Schmidt.

- What! Another son?

This is getting funny.

Lieutenant Schmidt had three sons.

Two were wise, but the third was a fool.

- He must be warned.

- Don't bother.

Have you ever seen a bull fight in Spain?

Come, let's watch.

- General retreat.

- Hurry up, Bender.

Hats off! Bare your head.

Presently the body will be carried out.

The body of the deceased

was carried out on the hands of kinsmen and friends.

O, my God! First came out the widow.

After a short civil ceremony...

...the body of the deceased...

...was interred!

What a sod! There were 69 of us,

children of Lieutenant Schmidt.

We divided the whole country into districts,

fair and square!

He got Mordovia.

It was an equal share, Bender!

He's trespassing my district for a long time,

but I could not catch him so far.

So then Balaganov, you are a fop.

Yes, a fop. Don't be offended.

I merely want to indicate the place...

...that you occupy under the sun.

- Go to the devil!

- So you have taken offense after all.

- Are you member?

- Member.

I'm a member of the Trade Union of Proletarians

of Intellectual Labor. He is with me.

But you yourself are a son of Lieutenant Schmidt!

You are a fop. And the son of a fop.

And your children will be fops.

Don't be a child! What occurred

is not even an episode but just a mere incident.

A gentlemen in search of a ten-spot.

And what sort of a profession it is.

A son of Lieutenant Schmidt!

I'll grant you one year, All right two!

Then your auburn locks will be noticed

and you'll be beaten every time.

What am I to do then?

How am I to find my daily bread?

You must think.

I, for example, am fed by ideas.

Hey, let's ride!

The taxi is free! Please take a seat!

Fare is reduced by 10-12%

Don't want? OK, then. You will be sorry!

Bear in mind that for every vitamin you receive

I shall demand of you a number of minor services.

I see that you are in love with money

for its own sake.

Tell me, what sum would appeal to you?

- Five thousand.

- A month?

A year.

In that case, our ways part right here.

I need 500 thousand, and, if possible,

immediately and not in installments.

Wouldn't you take it in installments?

I shouldn't mind taking it in installments,..

...but I need it all immediately.

Why do you need so much money?

As a matter of fact, I need more.

I want to go away, Comrade Shura,..

...very far away,..

...to Rio de Janeiro.

Have you relatives there?

Why? Do I look like a man

who could have relatives?

I have no kinsmen,

I'm all alone in the world.

I had a father once who was a Turkish subject,

but even he passed on in horrible convulsions.

Ever since I was a child

I've wanted to go to Rio de Janeiro.

I see.

You, of course, are not aware

that such a city exists.

This is a clipping from Soviet Encyclopedia.

See what it says here about Rio de Janeiro.

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