The Golden Calf Page #2

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Population 1 360 000

...at the large bay in the Ocean...

...in the wealth of stores

and the grandeur of buildings...

...its main streets rival

those of the largest cities of the world.

Can you imagine that, Shura?

Rival!

Mulattoes, millionaires, export coffee!

A Charleston entitled 'My Girl Has A Little Thing'...

But what's the use of talking?

One and a half million people,

and all of them to a man in white trousers.

- But where will you get 500 thousand?

Wherever you like.

Show me a rich man

and I'll take his money away from him.

What!

Murder?

Do you know, Shura,

You are becoming sillier before my very eyes.

Note this:
Ostap Bender never killed anyone.

He has been killed. That happened.

But he himself is pure before the law.

I'm no cherub, of course.

I have no wings.

But I respect the Criminal Code.

This is my weakness.

But how do you propose

to take the money away?

That's not the point.

I personally have 400 comparatively

honest means of expropriation.

The point is that nowadays rich people

are difficult to find.

And yet they exist!

As long as any type of coinage

wanders over the country...

...then there must be people

who have a lot of it.

There are very wealthy people.

But do you know them?

Can you give me the name and address

of one undercover millionaire?

Even the Commissariat of Finance

with its all-powerful taxing apparatus...

...cannot find a Soviet millionaire.

And yet the millionaire may be sitting

at the adjoining table, drinking cheap beer.

That is what hurts!

I know such a millionaire.

Word of honor, Monsieur Bender...

Go on, go on.

I apply only on Saturdays.

Don't waste my time.

Listen, Shura, if you have definitely decided

to use the French language, then...

...don't call me monsieur but citoyen,

which means 'citizen'.

By the way, what is your millionaire's address?

He lives in Chernomorsk.

Why, of course, just as I thought.

Chernomorsk!

There even in pre-revolution days they...

...called a man with 10 thousand a millionaire.

While now... I can Imagine!

No, that's nonsense!

But no, let me tell you.

This is a genuine millionaire.

Not long ago...

I had the occasion to spend some time

in the house of correction over there...

What did you say was the name

of your underground millionaire?

- Koreiko.

- A splendid name.

Have I any gray hair?

- No, sir! - There will be!

Great battles are ahead of us.

You, too, will become gray, Balaganov!

Why? How did you put it --...

...he'll bring it himself

on a little saucer with a blue border?

For me on a little saucer.

For you on a little plate.

But how about Rio de Janeiro?

I want to have white pants too.

Rio de Janeiro is the delicate dream

of my childhood.

Don't you touch it with your dirty paws.

Now, back to bosoms,

as Guy de Maupassant used to say!

The troops must arrive in Chernomorsk.

Service uniforms.

Bugle 'advance'!

I will command the parade!

"We're born to build reality from fair tale,

to vanquish sky and conquer space beyond..."

You're listening to 'Comintern Radio'

broadcasting from Moscow.

Here is the latest news

An airplane 'Wings of the Soviets'

completed round-trip flight...

...Moscow-Berlin-Paris-Rome-

-London-Berlin-Warsaw-Moscow...

...'College of Northern Peoples' is reorganized

to become 'University of Peoples of the North' ...

...the first in the world...

Twins of domestic leather haberdashery!

...the first all-union convention

of young pioneers opened in Moscow...

...French Prime-minister Poincare has resigned...

An original construction.

The dawn of motoring.

Hi, how are you!

Do you see, what can be made

out of a simple Singer Sewing Machine?

A slight adaptation -- and you would have

an excellent bailing machine for a collective farm.

Go away!

What do you mean 'Go away'?

Why then did you brand your threshing machine

with the invitation , 'Hey, let's ride!'?

My friend and I desire to make a business journey.

Precisely to 'Hey, let's ride!'

- Citizen-gentleman, please!

- No. - You'll be sorry!

You cannot go far in this carriage of the past.

If you please. Where may I take you?

This time, nowhere. There is no money.

Can't do anything about it. Sheer poverty.

Never mind, get in!

I'll take you for nothing.

Why such sacrifices?

Promise only not to drink vodka,

not to dance naked by the moonlight.

What makes you think that

we are capable of dancing in the nude?

- Get in! Hey, let's ride!

- Let's accept this hospitality.

- Where?

- To Chernomorsk.

Where?!

Merely 1000 km southward.

There we have a small intimate business.

In Chernomorsk antiques are appreciated

and people are pleased to ride in them.

While in Arbatov you have nothing to lose

but your spare chains.

You'll not go hungry on the road;

this is my responsibility.

In a word - the gasoline is yours,

the ideas are ours.

Participants of the auto race have been greeted

by sounds of orchestra at Arbatov market square.

What auto race?

Won't they chase after us?

You should read newspapers, Shura.

Sometimes they reveal that

which is wise, good, eternal...

We are located in the line of auto race

Moscow-Kharkov-Moscow.

For a period of time we'll be

the front machine of the race. Get it?

That's Panikovsky running! Panikovsky!

- Stop! Stop!

- Ah, viper!

- Save me! - God will help you.

- Shall we take the viper?

Don't. He'll know better next time

than to violate a pact.

Take me! I'll be good!

I'll never do it again!

- Drop that bird! - I can't do it!

- Drop, I say!

- Adam! What do you call your wagon?

- Lauren-Dietrich.

That's a hell of a rotten name!

An automobile, like a battleship,

must have its own name.

Your Lauren-Dietrich is distinguished

by remarkable speed...

...and a noble beauty of line.

Therefore I propose that we give

to the machine the name Antelope-Gnu.

Any objections? Unanimous!

Full speed ahead, then!

The session continues.

Destination - Chernomorsk

- Greetings!

- How are you!

Comrade Koreiko, how much is 836 by 423?

Phenomenon!

Another man in his place

would make himself a career,

but he is just an idiot.

He'll sit here the rest of his life

on his forty-six rubles.

A church with a village to the starboard, sir!

Drop anchor, sir?

For 5 minutes. Behind us are first-class machines.

Meeting them does not enter into our plans.

- How about the gasoline?

- It should last till Udoev.

- Shall we respond to greetings?

- Reply with bows and smiles.

I forbid you to open your mouths.

No marauding, no violations of the law.

The Udoyevites themselves

will give us everything we need.

The sweet burden of fame...

Greetings to participants of the auto race!

- Out of gasoline.

- We'll fill it up right now.

Our agenda includes rally,

then lunch, then concert of local talents...

Could we switch it?

Lunch first, then rally.

People arrived already.

Hard to keep them waiting.

Let's cancel lunch, then.

We'll take the lunch packed.

Give it to these comrades.

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