The Good Catholic

---

1

Hail Mary, full of grace.

The lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women,

and blessed is the fruit

of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, mother of god,

pray for us sinners,

now and at the hour of our

death, amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace,

the lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou amongst women,

blessed is the fruit of thy

womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, mother of god,

pray for us sinners,

now and at the hour

of our death.

Amen.

Hello?

Hey.

There's a switch right behind

your head

if you want...

Switch?

The switch for the light.

It's right behind your head

if you want to...

Oh. I'm good.

Okay.

Whenever you're ready.

Okay.

Aren't you supposed to, like,

ask me for a sin list

and call me a child

or a lamb or some sh*t?

Thing. Something. Sorry.

It's your first time?

How did you guess?

There aren't any real rules

to this.

I'm just here to help.

With what, exactly?

Your relationship with god.

Oh...

Sorry.

Again.

Don't apologize.

This is for you.

Okay.

Well, thing is...

I'm dying.

I'm sorry.

You're probably thinking,

this chick's trying to clear the

desk at the last minute or whatever,

you know, hit the redo button

on the way out, but...

I'm not here to judge you.

And that's great,

and everything,

but I'm really not here

to save my own ass.

I'm here for a practical reason

as opposed to spiritual.

What would that be?

Funeral arrangements.

This isn't usually how that...

I'm sure you've got a guy

I'm supposed to call...

Or maybe a website.

I just... I don't know

how much time I have left,

and I really don't want

to spend it planning an event

I'm not even going to

be able to attend.

I want a nice casket.

Nothing to over the top,

but not boring either.

The kind of casket

that makes people think,

"wow, it's a shame

she died so young."

But I don't want it

to elicit tears.

Just enough...

You know...

Whatever you call it...

So they'll miss me

in that, um...

That fond memory kind of way.

I really am sorry.

Thank you.

I may have needed this.

Definitely needed something.

This is what I do.

Yeah, well, this seems

to be what I do, too.

As far as pallbearers go,

are those included

or should I make a list of

ex-boyfriends

with decent upper-body strength?

Um, I...

I think that you should

probably... screw it.

I'll do cremation.

Thanks again for listening.

You sound nice.

I keep hearing

some sort of reverb.

Reverb's not the problem.

It's like a flange or...

I'm-I'm hearing something.

There's no flange.

Do you even know

what a flange is?

Maybe the problem is

that our equipment

happens to amplify

your vocal imperfections.

Full disclosure. I haven't had an

opportunity to read the manual

but I don't think

this piece of equipment comes

with a setting

for drowning out jealousy

because I think you're jealous,

is what I'm trying to say.

Of... of my singing.

Was I flat again?

Hmm.

Death is everywhere.

We can try to run from it,

deny it, hide away

in the most articulate,

philosophical explanations

that man has been coming up

with since, well...

Man.

The Bible certainly has

a lot to say about it.

Trust me, I know. I've skimmed

the book more than a few times.

The truth is...

Is that the more that

I think about death,

the less I seem to really

understand it.

And guess what.

That's okay.

Because knowing

that our time here is limited,

that's what makes

it matter so much.

Good, Daniel.

Most inspiring one yet.

You don't think it was

a little dark?

Well, Matthew made it dark.

You're just commenting on

the writing.

You got a gift.

It reminds me

of a younger version of myself.

It doesn't mean they'll laugh

at the Bible skimming bit.

Well, I just thought that...

You thought that it was funny

enough for a laugh pause.

I mean, maybe a slight smile,

a courtesy chuckle,

but a laugh pause?

What if I work on the timing...

I've only been

with this parish for 30 years,

and you,

just-just over one.

I'm sure going with your gut

is the right call.

Oh, come on, come on.

What, father?

Why...

Even the Franciscans have...

Have some rules about... this.

Let me check, father.

And cometh game day,

'tis okay to go forth

in the colors of

thine chosen team

unless thine chosen team

is the Purdue boilermakers

or the Kentucky wildcats.

God is good.

Tip off's in five minutes.

I'm making my nachos.

You never told me how the

Friday-night confession went.

Oh, it was... fine.

There was uh...

It was nothing.

It was fine.

Daniel?

Oh, the game's about to start.

I should probably...

He would have been proud

of who you've become.

Your dad.

Have a good night, father.

Hmm.

Skimmed the book.

Rivers crosses over...

Are you serious?

Did you see that?

Come on!

Did you see that?

Shoot the... three pointer.

For the love of god.

Basket. Dunk.

Father, you're from here, yes?

Yeah.

How do you not love basketball?

I think it's definitely a b...

A good way of...

Okay, okay, okay,

okay, tell me this.

W-what's-what's your thing?

My thing?

You know, your thing,

like I... I played

third string power forward

on my junior high

basketball team.

I went on to never actually make

another squad after that,

so that now I live through them.

Delusional hoop dreams

and saturated fat...

That's my thing.

What's yours?

Uh, I... yeah, I guess,

I mean... god.

God what?

God's my thing.

What?

No.

Why is that... what no?

Look, you gotta... you gotta

find something of your own,

something selfish

and stupid and...

Human.

Otherwise you just might wind up

like Victor.

What's wrong with that?

He wears his collar to target.

I mean, he literally

puts on his collar

to buy honey nut cheerios

and toilet paper.

Now, that's weird.

That's weird.

Don't... don't be weird.

And don't bring that sh*t

in the Lane!

Oh, do not bring that sh*t

in the Lane!

Do not bring that sh*t

in the Lane.

Yeah! That's what I am

talking about. Okay.

Mm.

Welcome to Hoosier basketball.

All the best, father.

Am I late?

I'm sorry, are you lost or...

This is Saint Martin's, right?

Mark's.

I'm Jane.

No, it's Saint marks.

The church.

I'm still Jane.

The person.

Daniel. Father Daniel.

Nice to meet you, father Daniel.

Nice to meet you...

Jane.

We're very far apart.

Permission to approach

the priest?

Uh, well, you don't really need

to ask permission, but...

It's... okay.

So what's the verdict, father?

Verdict?

Is it too late?

For...

Confession.

Oh.

You guys are open late

on Fridays, now, right?

You were the... uh,

one from last week.

No.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Yeah.

I recognize your voice.

Distinctive, right?

I'm a singer. I sing.

No big deal.

I'm good, though.

But let's not make

a whole thing out of it...

Confession was supposed to end

at 2:
00 and...

I can go.

No, it's just we're very...

Very big on rules around here.

It's cool. Really.

And so I think... I'll just

order some absolution

with my taco bell.

I meant... wait, I... I...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes