The Goodbye Girl Page #3

I like to cook, so I'll use the kitchen

whenever I damn well please.

I'm very particular about my condiments,

so keep your salt and pepper to yourself!

I play the guitar in the middle of the night

when I can't sleep.

I meditate every morning

with chanting and burning incense...

...so if you must walk around

I'd appreciate tiptoeing.

Also, I sleep in the nude, a-buff-o...

...winter and summer, rain or snow,

with the windows open.

Because I may have to go to the potty

or the fridge in the middle of the night...

...and because I don't want to put on

jammies, which I don't own anyway...

...unless you want a thrill,

or your girl an advanced education...

...l'd keep my door closed.

Them's my rules and regulations.

How does that grab you?

- If I say no?

- I got a lawyer acquaintance downtown!

- I accept!

- We're movin' along.

I don't like it and I don't think I like you!

- 'Cause I'm an actor?

- Coupled with your personality.

That's probably why we were

thrown together. One of God's little jests!

Now if you'll move your shapely little fanny

out of my room...

...l'll unpack and dry my beard.

- You forgot to say good night.

- I was working on goodbye.

Unbelievable!

How long is he gonna stay?

As long as he lets us.

- Go to the bathroom.

- I don't have to go now.

Then save it till morning.

It's not safe out there.

Good night.

No kiss?

I'm angry. I don't want to lose it!

Christ!

Listen to that. Did that guitar wake you?

No, you did.

Sorry.

Is he gonna play that thing all night?

- Put a pillow over your ear.

- I'll smother.

It's better than that guitar.

Who is it?

- Very funny. May I come in?

- Door's open.

- Are you decent?

- I am decent.

Do you realize it is 3:00 in the morning

and my daughter...

Jesus Christ, you're naked!

I thought you said you were decent.

I am decent! I also happen to be naked.

Mr. Garfield, I have

a growing daughter inside...

...who won't grow

on two hours of sleep a night.

Do you have to play that thing at this hour?

I told you it helps me fall asleep.

- Have you ever tried pills?

- I don't know how to play "pills."

It's not hard!

You pop them in your mouth and swallow.

I am a person of health.

I do not put unnatural things in my body.

Music is one of nature's sedatives.

If you'll listen instead of fighting it,

we'd all be asleep in five minutes.

However, if you insist,

take two sleeping pills...

...and stick one in each ear.

He won't stop!

I have a lawyer acquaintance, too, I can get.

Just take deep breaths, count to 100.

I'm sorry, baby.

I'm really sorry I got you

in the middle of all this mess.

What's that?

Sounds like God.

5:
55.

Boy, does God get up early!

I smell strawberries burning.

That is incense.

What's incense?

It is what I am feeling right now.

You know it's 5:
55...

...in the morning?

Isn't there a church where you could do that?

You finished? Is that the last chorus?

I am in a blissful state, so don't bug me.

Is this going to be a regular routine?

Guitars at night, humming in the morning?

I've been in musicals

that didn't have that much music.

This morning I start rehearsals

for my first New York play.

Probably the most important day of my life.

Am I nervous?

No, I'm not nervous.

Because I have meditated, I am relaxed...

...I am calm...

...I am confident.

You, on the other hand, have not meditated.

Therefore, you are a pain in the ass.

Today happens to be a very important day

for me, too.

I am auditioning for a new musical

this morning.

I slept 17 minutes last night,

thanks to you...

...and with the bags I have under my eyes,

unless it is about little old ladies...

...I don't have a chance in hell.

Are you listening to me?

What is that slop

you are putting in my dishes?

Granola, wheat germ, soya,

lecithin, natural honey.

My body is a temple, and I am worshipping it.

It's what gives me my energy, my vitality,

and my natural disposition.

I'm 63 years old, and look at me.

Can I fix you a bowl?

This isn't going to work.

I really don't know you well enough

to truly dislike you...

...but you are just too weird to live with.

Why don't you try to find another place...

...and I'll pay you the $600

as soon as I get a job?

You're forgetting that this is my apartment.

You're living here

on an Elliot Garfield grant.

You ought to try this.

It's got whole bran in it.

My feeling is your whole problem

stems from irregularity.

Okay, let's take it from the top.

Up the tempo, performance level, please.

Paula?

Oh, my God. You scared me!

I thought it was my turn.

Thank you. The boy in the gray slacks,

the girl in the green socks...

...and the girl in the red scarf, please.

Fred, Valarie and Darina, please wait.

The rest of you, thank you very much.

- How you feel?

- So old.

I saw a girl before who goes

to Lucy's school.

Paul Keiser, Don Wallace, Cynthia Robbins...

...Carla Williams, Susan Weinstein,

Donna Douglas...

...and Paula McFadden, onstage, please!

- Think positive!

- Mention it to my legs.

Two rows, please, the girls in the front.

Paula, is that you?

- Yes.

- Ronnie Burns.

Ronnie! Hello!

I thought you gave all of this up.

I did. I just picked the wrong one

to give it up for.

You been keepin' in shape?

Yes, terrific.

- You want to show me?

- Not unless I can take a written test.

Okay, Eddie.

Just a few basic, impossible steps, kids,

so pay attention.

I'll give you the counts first.

Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, touch, drag.

From the top. Up to tempo,

performance level, please!

Just a minute, please.

Robert DeLurie and Cynthia Robbins,

please wait.

The rest of you, thank you very much

for coming in.

A little rusty, Paula, but not bad.

My problem is I need 'em very young.

Young? Okay I'll work on it.

The next group, onstage please!

Now, what about Richard? The question is...

...and this may seem perfunctory,

was Richard actually deformed?

Historically, we know he was born

with severe curvature of the spine...

...thus giving the impression

that he was hunchbacked.

There was some paralysis

of the left hand and right foot...

...Olivier chose to play the right hand

and left foot, God knows why...

...as well as nerve damage

to the right cheek and eyelids.

The man was your basic gimp! Let's face it.

All of which brings us, bless the wise

and rich Mrs. Estelle Morganweiss...

...to this production.

Is that the way we want to play Richard?

If you do, then this director

would just as soon...

...do a six-week stint

on the Sonny and Cher Show.

Richard III was a flaming homosexual.

So was Shakespeare, for that matter...

...but the angry mob at the Globe Theatre

wasn't going to pay two shillings...

...to see a bunch of pansies

jumping about on the stage.

It was society that crippled Richard,

not childbirth.

Read your text.

He sent those two little boys

up to the tower...

...and nobody ever saw them again.

We know why, don't we?

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