The Grand Page #2

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or vitamins,

which I take a lot of those,

so my urine smells very bad.

Now, all this stuff

is brain food for him.

I don't know what

the f*** anything is,

but I do exactly

what he wants me to do.

One thing I would like

to talk about is the Mentats

from the motion picture Dune.

I like the Mentats because

they're the human computers.

The Mentat oath

is the following:

It is by will alone

I set my mind in motion.

It is by the juice of Sapho

that thoughts acquire speed,

the lips acquire stains,

the stains become a warning.

It is by will alone

I set my mind in motion.

I say the Mentat oath

before I drink

my brain juice...

because it makes me

feel like a Mentat.

[giggling, yelling]

Hi, Lois.

[Lainie]

I'll play in

the Ladies' Tournament.

If those fucktards want to

make it easy for me, fine.

You know, poker's been, like,

awesome because we've--

It's been very good.

It's been very good to us.

Yes, yeah.

I know it's--

It's hard, but it's--

It can be hard.

Yeah, it's something.

It's hard on the kids

and on Fred, I think.

I'm at home now

with the kids.

Yeah.

I'm not a stay-at-home

husband.

I'm a husband

who's home right now.

Yeah, I support her,

and the time's gonna come--

I mean, the perfect

example is, um...

is my fantasy

football league,

you know, my Yahoo

Fantasy Football league...

And I know, you hear

"fantasy football league--"

But this is,

you know, an expert--

an expert football league.

And the draft is the day

of the final table, so that's--

I mean, we're going to have to

work something out on that.

Somebody's gotta

watch the kids.

Yeah, that's what I mean.

I gotta find out--

you know, I gotta--

Maybe Claude,

maybe somebody.

I don't know.

I could bring--

Not Claude.

All right, well,

we gotta find something.

This is-- This is--

Yeah, this is--

I mean, this is my--

this is my thing.

This is your thing,

this is my thing.

But just--

and I totally support you

on it, but just--

I could win

$10 million that day.

And does fantasy

football pay?

Yeah, it pays, uh,

something different

than money is what it pays.

It pays, you know, m--

Yes, it pays.

Does it pay money?

No, it doesn't pay money.

[both clicking tongues]

Right, okay,

a little in the--

[clicks tongue]--

and you're good.

Go-- Go see what

your sister's doing.

Ah, that's what I do.

I-- Yeah.

Didn't know you were

coming up here.

I make up these little

handshakes for the kids.

Hey, I figured out

a good--

here's a good

husband-wife one, okay?

All right, so you just wanna--

you just wanna, "Hey--

[Fred]

Actually, it's only been--

it's been the last

couple of years

I've been coming up

with these things.

And-- And, I--

Actually, I'll show you...

I'll explain this

whole thing to you.

Let me show you this.

This is, uh--

This is my lucky hat.

And this is the hat that I--

I'm a lightning survivor.

My husband Fred

was hit by lightning,

and he will be happy

to tell you all about it.

November 15, 2003.

And you know what happened

after that was--

this left side of my brain,

something with the lightning,

it just opened it up.

And tell you about his sayings

that he comes up with

and his round

beach towel idea.

I come up with little sayings.

You know,

Lainie came in second

in the tournament

a couple months ago,

and the announcer said,

"It's like kissing

your sister."

Right away,

I thought, you know,

it's like peeing

in your wetsuit.

I guess it changed his life.

I said, "Give me

a cup o' Joe,

"but I wanna say hello

to the milkman

and I'm takin' it

up the beanstalk."

Which...is just

this way of saying

decaf coffee,

"I want a cup o' Joe."

"I want to say hello

to the milkman"

means I want to go to bed early

because the milkman comes ear--

I want to say hello to--

say hello to him...

even though-- even though

there's no milkman anymore.

There's a lot--

a lot going on with Fred.

"Takin' it

up the beanstalk."

Give me a large

and bring it up

the beanstalk.

I'm delivering it.

I'm bringing it to the giant.

"Takin' it up the beanstalk."

I know it can sound a little

like a bad sexual thing, but--

Okay, but lean back.

Lean back and then I'll--

I don't feel like

f***ing doing

a handshake right now.

Just lean back a little!

Jesus.

[sighs]

Just lean back a little.

[Lainie]

Fred's a really smart guy.

And I wish he'd, like,

move on to something...

besides fantasy football.

You know,

something more...real.

This is only gonna

take a second, so--

Great, because I really

gotta get home.

I hear ya. I hear ya.

Take two steps back.

There. Good, good.

[clears throat]

Okay.

[deep inhale]

[deep exhale]

Jesus.

They're called Lainie

and Larry Schwartzman.

They're the David

and Goliath of poker.

Brother and sister,

identical twins,

they're winning both halves

of the Long Island Tournament.

By winning this tournament,

you both qualify

for the grand championship

of poker.

You've been

eliminated by Lainie

two out of the past

four years.

Any comments on that?

[laughs]

[spray painting]

What's my style of play like?

Well, I think it's aggressive.

Ha! Aha! Aha! Aha! Aha! Aha!

I know that some people

consider it obnoxious,

but I consider that a strength.

For he's a jolly

good fellow

For he's a jolly

good fellow

I try to get people

off their game,

which is just

as much of a game

as reading people

and knowing the numbers.

What do you think

of that, Dumbbell?

[high-pitched voice]

That's the real dumbbell

over there to your left.

[normal voice]

Hey, now, Dumbbell,

I'm trying to be nice

to this idiot.

I like to consider myself

a predator at the tables.

So it would kind of make sense

that I would study predators.

I think if you watch me,

if you study me,

you'll see a lot

of cat-like qualities.

Raaahhh!

[Dealer]

Raise.

And I can psyche

the sh*t out of people.

I don't need cards

to beat you.

I could literally

have no cards

and I would still beat you.

If you think that's

not playing fairly

or that's not the way

a gentleman plays...

uh...

I would fight you

over that.

You are the worst

card dealer ever!

You should burn in hell!

Competition is healthy.

It's only competition

that breeds winners.

Idiot! A buffoon!

A lunatic!

It was very, very competitive

growing up in our family, yeah.

It was brutal.

My dad made us

compete for everything.

An incompetent,

insufferable a**hole!

You know, maybe you get

some hurt feelings.

Maybe you get some, uh--

you know, maybe somebody

goes to bed hungry that week.

You know, it doesn't matter.

F***ing idiot!

Still got more cards!

Done!

[Lainie]

You don't get to

choose your cards

and you don't get to

choose your family,

so you just make

the best of it.

[Renee]

Well, Jack,

this should be

an interesting

challenge for you.

Mr. Lavisch is not

the kind of man

who considers requests.

[Jack]

Right.

Just giving you

a word of advice.

You want to wait over here

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