The Grand Budapest Hotel Page #8

Serge drops an ice-cube into a glass of whiskey withtongs. He does a double-take as he sees that M. Gustavehas followed him into the room.

MR. MOUSTAFA (V.O.)

At the head of this congregation (it wasa disorienting coincidence), we

(more)

35.

MR. MOUSTAFA (V.O.) (cont'd)

discovered our own Deputy Kovacs (himselfan important attorney, of course). He wasthe executor of the dead widow’s estate.

Deputy Kovacs, standing behind a desk on a platform atthe front of the room, squints at M. Gustave, puzzled.

M. Gustave and Zero look back at him, equally confused.

Deputy Kovacs turns his attention back to the seatedaudience. He clears his throat, sets a large, cardboardbox down in front of him, and addresses the room:

DEPUTY KOVACS:

This is Madame D’s Last Will and

Testament. It consists of a generaltontine drawn up before the event of herhusband’s death forty-six years ago -

Deputy Kovacs lifts a faded, fragile slip of paper outof the box. He places it delicately onto the table.

DEPUTY KOVACS:

-- in combination with 635 amendments,

notations, corrections, and letters ofwishes executed during the subsequentdecades.

Deputy Kovacs reaches into the box with two hands andpulls out an enormous pile of scraps, slips, shreds,

slivers, forms, files, post-cards, and various bits oflint and loose thread. He plants it all down with athud.

DEPUTY KOVACS:

The ultimate legality of thisaccumulation requires further analysis;

but, in the opinion of this office, itwas Madame D’s intention that control of

the vast bulk of her estate should be

transferred, forthwith, to her son,

Dmitri -

CUT TO:

A spindly, thirty-five-year-old man with a thick head ofspiky, black hair which sticks up straight into the air.

He has black eyes and a black moustache. He wears ablack suit cut close to his skinny body. He is Dmitri. Athug in a leather coat with close-shaven head and high-

heeled boots sits slightly behind and beside him. Hewears brass knuckles on both hands. He is Jopling.

36.

DEPUTY KOVACS:

-- with special allowances for hissisters Marguerite, Laetizia, andCarolina -

CUT TO:

Madame D’s spinster daughters. They range in age fromforty to fifty. They are sturdy and fierce.

DEPUTY KOVACS:

-- and minor gifts for various members ofthe extended family as shown in the Listof Recipients, which I will elucidate indue course.

There is a mumbling of general approval around the roomand throughout the gallery of distant relations. A fewtake notes. Deputy Kovacs interjects:

DEPUTY KOVACS:

However.

Voices hush. Pause.

DEPUTY KOVACS:

An additional codicil, delivered into mypossession by post only this morning,

and, by all indications, sent by Madame

D. during the last hours of her life,

contains an amendment to the originalcertificate, which, as prescribed by law,

I will read to you now. The authenticityof this document has not yet beenconfirmed by the presiding magistrate, soI ask that all parties be patient andrefrain from comment until such time as

our investigations can be completed.

Dmitri and Jopling confer at a tense whisper. Thesisters grumble, dismayed. The group as a whole sits upto attention. Deputy Kovacs slides a hand-written letteron pale-pink paper out of an envelope and reads:

DEPUTY KOVACS:

“To my esteemed friend who comforted mein my later years and brought sunshineinto the life of an old woman who thoughtshe would never be happy again -- M.

Gustave H. -- I bequeath, bestow, anddevise, free of all taxation and withfull and absolute fiduciary entitlement,

the painting known as ‘Boy with Apple’ -

37.

M. GUSTAVE

(floored)

Wow!

DEPUTY KOVACS:

-- by Johannes van Hoytl -

M. Gustave grips Zero by the shoulder like a vise. Zerogrimaces:

M. GUSTAVE

I can’t believe it.

DEPUTY KOVACS:

-- the younger --

Dmitri drops a tumbler on the floor. He blurts angrily:

DMITRI:

What?

DEPUTY KOVACS:

-- which gave us both so much pleasure.”

Deputy Kovacs looks up. The three sisters talk loudlyover each other simultaneously:

MARGUERITE:

The van Hoytl?

LAETIZIA:

Tax-free?

CAROLINA:

Can she do that?

A hunched, ancient, grizzled, old man in the middle ofthe room throws up his hands. He asks loudly:

OLD MAN:

Who’s Gustave H?

M. GUSTAVE

(inevitably)

I’m afraid that’s me, darling.

Every face in the entire assembly now turns around fullyand stares at M. Gustave and Zero. Silence.

The room erupts. All the distant relations start talkingat once. Dmitri is on his feet, advancing toward theback of the room, flanked by Jopling, as he explodes,

pointing at M. Gustave:

38.

DMITRI:

That f***ing f*ggot! He’s a concierge.

What are you doing here?

M. GUSTAVE

(stiffening)

I’ve come to pay my respects to a greatwoman whom I loved.

DMITRI:

(turning to the room)

This man is an intruder in my home!

M. GUSTAVE

(making a point of it)

It’s not yours yet, Dmitri. Only when

probate is granted, and the Deed ofEntitlement -

DMITRI:

You’re not getting “Boy with Apple”, yougoddamn little fruit!

M. GUSTAVE

(genuinely offended)

How’s that supposed to make me feel?

The three sisters join Dmitri as the veins in his neckbegin to bulge. He continues loudly, for the record:

DMITRI:

Call the police. We’re pressing charges.

This criminal has plagued my family fornearly twenty years. He’s a ruthlessadventurer and a con-artist who preys onmentally feeble, sick old ladies -- andhe probably fucks them, too!

The three sisters look horrified. One of the little old

ladies gasps. Shocked faces look to M. Gustave. Heshrugs and says tentatively:

M. GUSTAVE

I go to bed with all my friends.

Dmitri cold-c*cks M. Gustave an upper-cut to the jaw anddrops him with one punch. Less than a second later, Zeroslams his own fist squarely right into the middle ofDmitri’s face and knocks him over backward with blood

spurting out of his nose. Less than a second after that,

Jopling pounds Zero in the side of the head sending himflying with a smack against the wall and meltinginstantly into the floor. The room breaks into completepandemonium.

39.

In the midst of the chaos, the hunched, old man says,

aside, to a younger one:

OLD MAN:

Where’s C.line?

YOUNG MAN:

(hesitates)

She’s dead. We’re reading her will.

OLD MAN:

(slightly embarrassed)

Oh, quite right, of course. How silly of

me.

Another younger man, eavesdropping, starts coughing andspits red wine into his glass.

In the meantime:
Serge helps M. Gustave and Zero totheir feet as Jopling restrains Dmitri, and various ofthe distant relations attempt to interfere in the fray.

Dmitri, behind an almost certainly broken nose, shoutsfuriously at M. Gustave as he strains to clamber overhis henchman’s shoulder:

DMITRI:

If I learn you ever once laid a finger onmy mother’s body, living or dead, I swearto God, I’ll cut your throat!

(screaming)

You hear me?

M. GUSTAVE

(clever though dizzy)

I thought I was supposed to be a fuckingfaggot.

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