The Grand Seduction Page #2

- Cricket?

- Yeah, I play cricket.

Just won a tournament. Hence the

trophy and the hangover, sir.

I'm kind of in a rush, you know?

- I got a flight to catch...

- Sir, please.

Sir, I'm a doctor, okay?

I'm due for surgery,

and while you're itemizing my toiletries,

there's a young child named Jimmy

that's pondering his

future as an amputee.

He might lose his leg, sir.

Jimmy might lose his leg,

and I need to leave

immediately for Jimmy's sake.

Right now, sir.

Now, now! Right... Okay...

Okay, that's cocaine.

That's cocaine. Okay?

And I just finished my residency

as a plastic surgeon,

and I am damn good and I can

fix anything you want for free.

Free of charge, pro bono.

Maybe on your wife perhaps?

Maybe she needs a fresh bosom,

maybe a tuck to her rear,

make it sing again.

I can work miracles, sir.

Maybe I could fix...

I could fix your ears.

Don't start with my ears.

- So you're a doctor.

- Yes, sir.

Where is everyone?

It's that bloody traffic again.

Sweet Jesus!

Hear ye, hear ye!

Hear ye, hear ye!

Hear ye, goddammit, hear ye!

Okay, I'm gonna tell you one

thing and it's not another!

If you hear the church bell ringin'

and it ain't the Sunday mornin',

it's because of the town meetin'.

And if there's a town meetin',

it's because the town bloody

well needs a town meetin'!

It's your civic duty to be there!

Okay.

First order of business.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am pleased to announce

that a doctor is comin' to

Tickle Head for one month.

We have exactly one month

to convince our good

doctor to sign long term.

Because we have just heard

that if the doctor chooses

to stay here in Tickle Head,

we gets the factory!

Eh?

We get a doctor,

the factory is a done deal.

- Ah!

- Right?

- Done deal!

- What is this factory?

Herbert, we have been

through this 100 times.

It is a petrochemical by-product

repurposing facility.

What does the factory make?

It's very simple, Herbert.

They take petrochemical waste

from the oil rigs and such

and, uh...

I don't know. They make jobs.

They make full-time

jobs for everyone.

Who wants to earn a paycheque?

Who wants to shove the welfare cheque

right up the government's arse?

Who wants to work again?

Well, raise your hands.

Raise your hands!

There you go! Yes!

Raise your hands, yes!

Yes!

Okay.

Now, we have one month

to make our man here,

Dr. Paul Lewis, believe.

One month to make him

believe like a child,

believe that Tickle Head is the

finest place on Earth to call home.

One month.

There's a whole lot of stuff on

the beach. We can actually...

We need a big, big cleanup.

We do need a big cleanup.

We do. We gotta get some

young fellas out there.

Murray, it's not a done deal.

And then the whole

beautification process,

you know, you were saying, like,

maybe paint her up a little bit and...

But it has to be more

than that, you know?

The whole harbour has to

be tailor-made for him.

So we must have a

cocaine-friendly village.

Murray, it's not a done deal.

It's nowhere near being a done deal.

I didn't say "done deal".

Yeah, you said "done deal"!

Well, I need people

to believe in this.

Yeah, but it's a lie.

Well, right now, lies is all we got.

- It's gotta be love at first sight.

- That's right.

Every detail is important.

For example, Mr. Mayor said

the doctor loves cricket.

- Cricket, cricket?

- Yeah.

That's disgusting.

- I mean, sushi is bad enough.

- No, cricket!

The sport! Cricket!

The sport, for God's sake!

The sport!

They, like, race 'em?

No, it's with a ball and the flat bat.

Have you never seen it?

- No!

- It's a game.

They must be some small

bats, what! Crickets!

- Listen. Yeah, listen.

- What else we got?

There's a whole slew of houses

down there that need some work...

You know what would seduce him?

You know what would

seduce him? Findin' money.

What?

Findin' money. Nothing

makes me happier.

It's satisfying.

I mean, you're walkin' along and then, bam,

there's 5 bucks just lying there, you know?

You feel lucky.

We have one chance at this.

Let's not mess it up.

- You said small details!

- Henry, don't... mess... this... up.

Well... one of the first

houses he'll see.

I know.

It does not give a good

first impression, boy.

Bloody painful.

Turn it! Turn it! Hold it!

That's it, that's it!

Right. So, here's

the cricket uniform.

There's the cricket field...

The rules...

I could print it for ya.

- Yeah. Mm-hmm!

- Yeah.

Is there, uh, anything else?

Can you show us some

photos of naughty nurses?

Sure.

- I got 'em.

- Great.

All right, okay.

Now, it is your civic duty

to study these rules. We must

all become cricket aficionados.

Put them out there. Here we go.

It's kind of like baseball

but it's only got two bases

and no one wears gloves.

One guy wears a glove!

One guy wears a glove.

Now the cricket pitch is a circle

with a rectangle in the middle.

You can do that, right?

You got lime?

Sure, I got bags.

All right, let's get to it.

Oof! We're gonna need

a whole lot of whites.

Where are we going to

get all these whites?

Hmm...

One, two, three.

- These are pink!

- Yeah, we can just bleach 'em.

- But these are pink!

- We can just bleach them!

And so the doctor will be staying

in our beautiful home for a month.

What about us?

Oh, we'll be staying

with the Williamses.

Anyone else have any announcements

they'd like to make?

- Lucy?

- What?

Anything anyone would like to share?

News, updates?

New milestones achieved?

Barriers broken?

- This is it.

- What?

Huh?

Sweet Jesus.

Do we know how to hook it up?

No idea.

It's still very pink.

That's not pink.

It's pink.

Even at night, it's horrendous.

- What the hell are you talkin' about?

- Nothing, really.

- Just, you know, everybody's pitchin' in.

- Yeah,

- you're using my attic!

- Oh, well, we appreciate that,

but this would really help,

and only you can do it.

Out of the question!

Just... a little flirt.

Murray, no!

- I'm not talkin' about intercourse.

- Intercourse?

I said I am not talking

about intercourse.

- I'm not a hooker, Murray.

- I know you're not a hooker!

You're a beautiful, young woman.

All I'm asking is if it's possible

to adopt a flirtatious

attitude towards the doctor.

No! He's happily engaged.

Yeah, exactly!

So what would be the point

of me flirtin' with him?

Well, just his manhood, you know,

just let him feel

desired and feel alive,

make Tickle Head a great

place to be a man!

And that's what you want?

That's would make you happy, Murray,

watching me come on to a stranger?

Yes.

No. The answer's no.

And if you asked me,

I'd say no to the factory too.

It's a petrochemical by-product

repurposing facility!

- It's the oil company!

- It's recycling!

That's good, eh? That's good, right?

No! That's just something

they're doin' for public image,

to repay for environmental

damage they done!

- So let 'em pay!

- I don't want the oil company here!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes