The Grass Is Greener

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1

Darling, you'll love

it when you get there.

And you know on Tuesday, Aunt Rose has

organized a treasure hunt on ponies.

Oh, Mommy.

- Come along, Phillip. Chop to it.

- Emma, Emma.

- Have you?

- Yes, Mommy.

- Let's go, shall we Ms. Mathews?

- Oh Ms. Mathews.

I put your writing

case on the front seat.

The right way up I hope.

In you get.

Come along.

- In you get.

- There you are dear.

Bye, bye, Mommy.

Bye, bye, Sweetie.

Can you write to Aunt Rose to

say I needn't eat milk puddings?

Yes, my darling. I'll

telephone right away.

I'll see to that when we get

there. Now in you go dear.

Emma, look after Phillip, won't you?

Yes, Mommy.

Good, darling. Have a lovely time.

Goodbye, Mommy.

Bye, bye, Daddy.

Oh, I can't really believe it.

We're not going to see Ms. Mathews

for two whole weeks.

I shall wake up and find

it's all a beautiful dream.

The vicar telephoned earlier, my lord.

Asked me to give you

the lessons for Sunday.

Deuteronomy and Mathew.

He asked me to assure you

they're both quite short.

Thank you, Sellers.

Why I beg your pardon, my lord.

What Sellers?

Have you finished with the Times?

Yes, I think so. Why?

Then would you mind if I had it now?

No, what do you want the Times for?

Want to light a fire?

What do you want to light a fire for?

It's much too warm for a fire.

Oh, no. I want to do the crossword.

Oh, well it's over in our quarters.

Doesn't it strike you

as a little odd, my lord.

That your butler should want to borrow the

Times in the middle of a Friday morning?

I mean, it isn't even my day off.

- Yes, I suppose. I hadn't really thought about it.

- Excuse me, my lord.

We've had a meeting.

And we've decided we

must have more help.

Oh well, you know Nanny I don't

have anything to do with that.

I don't employ you personally.

You speak to the government.

You know, you know the place.

The national, uh, you know.

Yes, my lord.

Now, now, where was I Sellers?

Oh, yes!

What do you want to do the

crossword for? Are you bored?

To death, my lord.

But why aren't you working?

I haven't any work to do.

How's that?

I've done the silver.

I've got nothing to do now

except serve your tea at 4:30.

Yes?

Well, you see, my lord.

I feel the most terrible waste of money.

I don't really think you

should have a butler at all.

Yes, I don't mean to be impertinent.

What do you mean to be then?

Well, you see, my lord.

You're a contemporary.

Oh, what does that mean?

You're not modern.

You mean I'm an antique.

No, my lord. You're traditional.

Ever since your family first lived in

this house, they've always had butlers.

But nowadays you don't need one.

Don't you see that, my lord?

There's nothing for me to do.

Really, there isn't.

But I...

Well, I.

What Sellers?

Well, I should be much happier if

you were to get rid of me altogether.

Or reduce my wages by

three pounds a week.

Now what you're saying is, in

effect, is that I'm old fashioned,

out-of-date, and clinging to a way of

life that's had dry rot in it for years.

No, no, I didn't say that.

Well, you're quite wrong.

This house and these

lands may be mine entitled.

But I regard them as a small part

of England that I hold and trust.

In trust, not only for my son.

But for the future.

Oh, that can't be right, can it?

And I'm preserving things in

the most commercial way possible.

The farm pays.

The market-garden pays.

The hens pay and even the souvenirs pay.

Yes, I do see all that, my lord.

And the reason I employ you

is because I'm well aware

that the paying public who

parade through this house

at two shilling and six

pence ahead, one half-crown.

Are far more thrilled by catching

a glimpse of a real live butler

then they are by the Rembrandt

at the top of the staircase.

So, you see, I am in

fact extremely modern.

And very business-like.

And to prove it to you

I'll accept your offer

and reduce your wages by three

pounds a week beginning Monday.

- Oh, here's the change for today, Ms. Heller.

- Oh, thank you.

Half ground, two shillings.

Oh, Sellers.

Would you take the mushrooms

to the station this afternoon.

- I'll have them packed by four.

- Very good, my lady.

Darling, I've got your coffee.

Oh, good. Sellers?

How many half-crowns are

there in three pounds?

About a bus load, my lord.

I was just wondering.

What my love?

Do you think if I was

terribly clever with Sellers

I could get him to give

the children their lessons?

Give the children their lessons?

Are you out of your mind?

No, only from 9:
30 to 12.

He's a butler, not a governess.

Yes, but it would mean we

needn't have a governess.

I could manage perfectly well.

It's simply a question of their lessons.

You mean get rid of Ms. Mathews?

Yes.

You know something.

What?

I wish to make a statement.

What is it?

I adore you.

Oh do you, darling. I'm so glad.

That's the most marvelous

idea you've had in your life.

We'll have to give him something

a little extra, I suppose.

We'll give him three

pounds a week extra.

Then you approve?

If we got rid of Ms. Mathews

and sold the television

we'd return to a civilized way of life.

What a pity we can't sell Ms. Mathews.

Well, you think Sellers will do it.

Oh, he will if the children

and I work on him right.

Well, then he's bound to do it.

Darling?

I'm afraid I want to work on you, too.

Hmm, it's unlike you to

warn me but work on me.

Oh, you're so good to me.

What are you reading?

Well, I wanted to look something up.

What?

Henley.

Why?

Well, if you look out that

window, you'll know why.

I always feel like reading

it at this time of the year.

Now, listen.

And it's all the wild spring...

- Wait a minute, is this going to take long.

- No, no it's very short.

And it's all the wild spring

in his chances and dreams.

There's a lift in the blood.

Oh, this gracious and

thirsting and aching unrest.

All life's at the bud.

And my heart, full of April.

Is breaking my breast.

Well, it's May the 9th.

At least that's what I'm

going to write on your check.

Who said anything about a check?

You did:
this gracious and

thirsting and aching unrest.

That can only mean one thing, darling.

New clothes.

Oh, you are clever, aren't you.

On the contrary, you're

the one whose clever.

Ah yes, the spring.

It's a turbulent season, alright.

All the clatter of rebirth.

New nests and young grass.

Ooh, it's powerful stuff.

Yes, and I warned you, my darling.

The older you get the

more powerful it becomes.

A very dangerous time. So you look out.

Darling, I didn't mean a

check. Honestly, I didnt.

I just wanted to ask you if I could use

some of my mushroom money.

I don't allow you to accept

money from other mushrooms.

Here.

Oh, you've put with love

above your signature.

That's alright. I've initialed it.

Oh, here they come.

Laughing and scratching.

Spreading apple cores and

nutshells all over the place.

And little bits of sticky paper.

Now we return to the main hall.

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