The Grass Is Greener Page #2

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The two mantle pieces that you see.

Are again by Robert Adam.

The table, in the center, is French.

And it has a fine,

inlayed, Italian marble top.

It was given by King Louis XIV.

To a member of the family.

Now, if you follow me,

you'll continue into the west wing.

Now, this is the state bedroom.

The four poster bed was

designed for the house.

And George IV slept in it

when he was Prince of Wales.

The fireplace is by Robert Adam.

Now we come to the Etruscan room.

Yes, I do indeed, Rose.

Yes, and it's so sweet

of you to have them.

Oh, Rose!

I almost forgot.

There's a hate on against milk puddings.

Mmm hmm. Yes.

Alright, dear. Goo...

Yea...

Yea...

Yes, Ro...

Mmm hmm. Yes, Rose. Goodbye, dear.

I'm sorry.

I seemed to have intruded.

Yes you have, haven't you.

Well, uh...

I was making the tour of the house and I

got kind of absorbed in this little book.

Should have gone on

down the corridor I guess

but I made a mistake

and took the wrong turn.

Well, I don't call entering a door

marked private making a mistake

I call that trespassing.

You gonna prosecute me?

'Cause if you are

I shall defend the action

because there is no sign

on this door saying private.

Oh, yes there is.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

No, I beg your pardon,

Ma'am. For intruding, I mean.

- Oh, someone must've taken it down.

- Yes, Ma'am.

Yes, and in England we

only call the Queen Ma'am.

In the United States we try to make up for

having no royalty by calling everyone Ma'am.

And now would you be good

enough to put it back?

Put what back?

The notice you remove from the

door. It's there on the floor.

Oh!

Must've fallen down.

Rubbish, you put it there.

I think I deserve an explanation.

Oh it's quite simple really.

As I had said. I spent a...

wonderful hour going

through your beautiful home.

Oh, you mean house, don't you?

You could hardly call a place a home

when people only have to pay two

and six pence to walk all over it.

So, not content with

seeing the public rooms

you wanted to see the private

ones as well, is that it?

Let's just say I was curious to

see the people who live in them.

Well, nowadays, I'm afraid

an Englishman's home is not his castle,

it's his income, and it's unfair

of you to take advantage of it.

Yes, Ma'am.

I mean, no Ma'am.

I don't mean no Ma'am, uh...

I just remember not to

say Ma'am. That's all.

Yes, well. Don't

worry about it anymore.

Thank you.

You are Lady Rhyall, aren't you?

Yes.

Well, I'm very glad to meet you.

How do you do.

Yes, you'd sort of have

to be, wouldn't you?

Well, why?

Well, you're perfect type-casting.

Oh, don't tell me you're

in the film industry.

Hardly, no.

I'm an oil man.

- Oh, you're a millionaire.

- As a matter of fact, I am.

Oh.

Well.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Tell me, why were you so uh...

why were you so sure

I was a millionaire?

Well, nearly all the

Americans I meet seem to be.

Especially the oily ones.

Well, I hoped you'd be impressed.

As a matter of fact,

I am. Just a little.

Have you been a millionaire

for quite some time?

I guess I have at that.

Tell me.

Why do you think I'm type-casting?

Oh well.

Well you're cool and elegant.

You're at ease.

And um...

And what?

And very lovely.

I suppose you're a millionaire because

you insist upon value for money.

I must say you are getting your

half-crown's worth, aren't you?

I'm an American, I say what I think.

And hesitate before you say it.

A Frenchman would never have hesitated.

And an Englishman?

Ooh, an Englishman

would never have said it.

You mean an Englishman would never

tell a married woman she was lovely?

Oh, no, no, I don't mean that. It's just

that he usually tells the husband first.

What's the point in that?

Oh, because he knows the

husband will tell the wife.

"Do you know what old George

said to me last night, my dear.

"He said he thought you looked lovely".

I said very lovely.

And so the...

wife is intrigued and...

the next time she's alone with George

she sees to it that he tells her himself.

Well, it's an oblique approach

but not a bad one, and um...

very effective.

So, I understand.

Well, I don't know your husband.

And my name is not George, it's Charles.

What's yours?

Hilary.

Hilary?

That's a boy's name. You

don't look like a boy to me.

Charlies what?

Delacro,

D-E-L-A-C-R-O.

- Oh, sounds French.

- It is, was.

Used to be

Delacroix, C-R-O-I-X.

But, uh...

We Americans are a simple,

straightforward people.

We see an X on the end of

a name and we pronounce it.

My grandfather thought that Dela-Quacks

sounded like a duck laying an egg,

so we cut it off.

The X, I mean.

He was born in France.

In Tours.

Oh now, isn't that odd.

I had a French grandfather and

he was born in Turenne,

perhaps were cousins?

Oh, I doubt that.

Your grandfather was probably a

nobleman. Mine was a clockmaker.

And now you're a millionaire,

and I'm a mushroom grower.

Oh well, there you are.

That's the way the world wags.

Well, it's um...

it's a little early to

offer you a cup of tea.

Would you like a drink, or something?

Well, I don't really want one, but uh...

accepting a drink means

that I'm now your guest,

and not just an intruder,

then, by all means.

Yes, well. Perhaps you'd

like to help yourself.

Alright, thank you.

I imagine it's something

you're quite used to.

Helping yourself, I mean.

Was that a crack or a compliment?

Well, which do you think it is?

Well, in my country I'd probably

consider it a compliment.

Here it's probably a crack.

And if you don't mind my saying

so, I think that's a pity.

Well, I'm not really

in a position to argue.

The relative value of mushrooms

and oil in the world market today

being so unfairly what it is.

And don't try and turn the tables on me.

I apologize.

It's only that some of the customs of this

country I find more unusual than others.

- Having no ice in my drink of course...

- Oh blast!

- Oh, I can make you some in two minutes.

- I don't mind, I really don't mind, honestly.

I don't complain until it

actually burns my tongue.

I'm really terribly sorry.

Would you, uh...

like me to fix you a drink?

Fix?

You sound as if you're going

to drug me or something.

Sometimes I'm convinced that the

greatest barrier between our two countries

is the bond of a common language.

Could I, uh...

May I pour you out a drink?

No, thank you.

Tell me, why do you grow mushrooms?

To make omelettes?

No!

To make money.

Oh, and do you?

Oh yes. It's rather fun, isn't it?

Making money, I mean.

Where do you live?

I've got a home on Long Island, but I'm

only there about 3 months out of the year.

Oh there you go calling

a house a home again.

Can't be much of a home if you only

spend 3 months out of every year in it.

I guess you're right.

And you're divorced.

Yes, I am.

If I weren't, I suppose I'd

have a home instead of a house.

Why were you so sure

that I was divorced?

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