The Greasy Strangler

(FOOTSTEPS)

- Time to get up, Dad.

- Hmm?

You sleep all right?

People like milky coffee.

Why not put a little grease

in your coffee?

No, Dad.

It sounds gross.

Why not put a little grease in your java?

Why not try it?

You're such a gross-out, Dad.

I think I might barf.

I'm not saying I wanna do it.

I just wonder why

they haven't tried greasy coffee.

Greasy coffee?

Hey, you probably think

I'm the Greasy Strangler.

I never said that.

Tell you a secret.

I am the Greasy Strangler.

Hey, I call bullshit on that.

OK.

I'm not the Greasy Strangler.

But you're a bullshit artist.

Yeah, I kind of am.

Now, who likes the Bee Gees?

Well, this is where they came up

with that fabulous, spunky song,

"Night Fever".

What do you mean, "came up with"?

They wrote the lyrics while

they were standing in this doorway.

Why were they standing in this doorway?

They were waiting

for a friend to pick them up.

They were going out for Chinese

and celebrating his birthday.

Can you verify that, please?

Trust me, I know disco.

I thought free drinks

were included in this tour.

No, there's no free drinks.

I don't know where you got that idea.

- It said in the brochure.

- The information you got is bullshit!

We don't need even fizzy drinks.

Just water would be enough.

You got false information.

We must have free drinks.

No free drinks!

- Free drinks now!

- No free drinks!

Come on, we want free drinks.

- Free drinks.

- We must have free drinks.

No free drinks!

Free drinks! Free drinks!

Free drinks! Free drinks! Free drinks!

Free drinks! Free drinks! Free drinks!

Free drinks! Free drinks! Free drinks!

No free drinks!

Frei drinken.

Nichts frei drink.

You must give me free drinks immediately.

Drop it with the free drinks crap.

We believe in the power of free drinks.

There are no free drinks,

and if you're trying

to rip me a new a**hole,

you're making a big mistake.

You are a shitty businessman.

You know that, no?

And you're a bunch of f***ing c*nts.

Check my cheeks.

I'm sorry.

My dad can get cranky sometimes.

He sure has a temper on him.

Yeah.

He likes to shout. I like to smile.

You cheesy old cornball.

Yeah, that's what I am.

I'm a cheesy old cornball.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, you are.

But that's OK.

I kind of like it.

My name's Brayden.

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Brayden?

Is that Scottish?

It's not Scottish. What's your name?

I'm Janet.

Hey, stop talking to the customer

and help Dad with his shorts.

So, Dad, I think I've got a date

with that hot girl from the tour.

No way! You're a bullshit artist.

No, it's official.

It's all been confirmed. She likes me.

- She's yanking your chain. Trust me.

- No, Dad.

She likes my character. She said so.

And her name's Janet.

That's not right.

I need them greasy

and this is nothing like greasy.

Do you understand?

Too much grease is bad for you.

I read it in a fitness magazine

someone left on the bus.

That's horse sh*t.

You're a bullshit artist.

We have an agreement.

You stay here, you cook greasy.

And this is not it.

Maybe you should just go live

with your mum and Ricky Prickles.

Dad, don't keep saying that.

You know Ricky Prickles hates me.

Last time I was there,

he called me Fatty Boom Boom.

(SCOFFS)

First, there's this dry food.

Now you're telling me

you got a girlfriend.

Next you're gonna be

leaving the family business.

You must not like me very much.

Is that what this is all about?

I'm sorry, Dad.

I can add more oil if you want.

I'm not hungry anymore.

Dad, I don't wanna leave you.

But I guess I do like Janet.

She might not like me, though,

not when she gets to know me.

If she gets to know you.

You ask it for chips and you get nothing.

Yes, you should tell management.

I pay a dollar for the chips,

the chips get stuck,

the manager gets my dollar,

and I get no chips.

Please tell me,

what flavour chips

did you eventually decide upon?

Who cares?

They were paprika ridge chips.

I like the ridges.

I put the tip of my tongue between ridges,

because that is where

the salty chip dust is.

Yes, that's so true.

I love ridges.

Yes, but what are these chips made from?

(RAPID, THICK ACCENT) Potato.

Excuse me, what?

Potato.

- Can you say that again?

- Potato.

Yes, but what are these chips made from?

Potato.

- Sorry, but what?

- Potato.

I don't understand.

Can you say that again?

- Potato.

- Please, one more time.

Potato.

OK, this is embarrassing,

but, please, can you say it

a little slower?

Potato.

I am very, very sorry,

but I need to know,

what are these chips made from?

Potato.

- Please, one last time.

- Potato.

I think he's trying to say potato.

Ah, yes.

Potato!

Potato chips.

What on earth is this man doing?

Hey, there are three of us

and one of you, buddy.

Maybe he's not a man.

Maybe he's the boogie-woogie.

Is he the boogie-woogie?

My God!

This man is truly mad.

Who cares? On the count of three,

we'll tackle him.

One, two, three.

(GROWLING)

I am a rich gentlemen.

I own a premium shipping business

in Denver.

Let me live.

I will make you the chief shareholder.

You will get a handsome salary

with the attractive corner office.

Does that or does that not appeal to you?

I wanted some ridged paprika chips.

They weren't even for me.

Who cares? There is a girl in my room.

I met her tonight at a sports bar.

We tried to have sex

but I couldn't get a stiffy.

Then my balls got sucked up

into my abdomen.

Does it strike you as unusual?

Am I dead yet?

My name is Sidney.

(SCREAMING)

Ronnie?

Is that you, Big Ronnie?

Oh, yeah, better believe it.

I heard screaming.

All OK back there, Big Ronnie?

Yeah, sure. I was laughing.

Oh, laughing, were you?

Why, did your car get too greasy again?

No comment, but yeah, kind of did.

I like going through the car wash.

It's good to know

my car is getting a good clean.

It's fun.

Oh, and here's ten for the wash.

And I'm gonna go use your bathroom.

Oh, you go right ahead, Big Ronnie.

Ronnie's back.

Let's go disco dancing

again soon, Big Ronnie.

Yeah, that's not a bad idea.

We could disco dance. Why not?

We used to disco dance all the time.

I guess you got too busy lately.

Ah, well, it's a little embarrassing,

but my son's having problems.

What kind of problems, Big Ronnie?

Between you and me,

I think my son's

a severe manic depressive.

He should be on medication.

And did I tell you

he still craps the bed most nights?

Oh, boy.

Uh-oh.

No, you did not.

Yeah, and he craps on the carpet.

I've found it in the kitchen.

Hell, he even crapped

on top of the TV last week.

Anyway, thanks for the scrub.

OK, Big Ronnie.

Catch you again soon, I hope.

Bye-bye, Big Paul.

Bye-bye, Big Ronnie.

(LAUGHING)

Morning, Dad.

Go away.

Someone's a grouch today.

Oh, you don't care.

What does that mean?

Oh, now that you got a girlfriend,

you're probably gonna wanna move out.

Bullshit artist.

We haven't even had our first date.

Look, I know women.

She'll want you all to herself.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes