The Greasy Strangler Page #2

She looked greedy.

She looked nice to me.

You'll leave and I'll die of loneliness.

People do that, you know.

They get so lonely,

their heart stops and they die.

But you won't care.

You'll be too busy making love.

(SOBBING)

Cut it out, Dad.

Quit goofing off.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'm not going anywhere, Dad.

You know how I am with the ladies.

But seriously, I have something

I need to tell you.

- Come here.

- Go for it, Dad.

- Are you ready?

- Yes. What is it?

(FARTS)

I'm making these bacon rolls

real greasy, Dad.

Bullshit artist.

Am not.

Bullshit.

You make this the greasiest feast

since that goose you cooked on Christmas.

Done and done, Dad.

And now, this very store here

is where Kool

from "Kool and the Gang" worked

before he exploded onto the disco scene.

Anyway, this is the end

of Big Ronnie's Disco Tour.

Thank you very much for coming

and, er, come again soon.

So, where are you taking me

tonight, Mister?

How about a sizzling Cajun hotpot?

What about me? Who's gonna cook for me?

- I'm hungry.

- You'll have to go to a vendor, Dad.

- You'll have to go get a dog.

- Not a real dog.

Yeah, don't bite into a real dog.

Don't bite into a... woof-woof.

Woof!

OK, you two can f*** off tonight.

Bye, Dad.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye!

F***ing c*nts!

I could feast on that queen's ass

all night long.

Thanks, Big Heiny.

Looking forward to a great meal.

Of course, of course.

I think I read once that these kinds

of breadstick are called grissini.

Probably.

So, um, does your mum live with you too?

No.

She left when I was small.

She met someone new.

Well, that's crapola.

Yeah.

His name is Ricky Prickles.

He's a professional sports coach.

He's got the most defined six-pack

I've ever seen.

Ooh. Tell this girl more.

I went to stay with Mum and Ricky once.

He made me punch him in his six-pack.

He didn't feel anything

because the muscles were so hard.

It was like punching a vacuum-packed

bag of roasted sausages.

Then he made me do

abdominal crunches with him.

I barfed all over his carpet.

My barf was real orange and tasted fizzy.

Ricky Prickles was so mad,

he smacked me twice in the face

with the flat of his hand.

Ricky the Pricky.

Then he molested me.

Sexually harassed me.

How old were you?

Eighteen.

I had long golden hair

and a soft moustache.

I've never been able to do

muscle curls or abdominal crunches.

Not all girls like ripped-up abs.

Yeah.

Some girls like loyal hearts.

Janet, what's wrong?

Please, Janet.

The tourists I was with the other day

were murdered.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're cute.

If I'm cute,

you're stunningly beautiful.

How can I help you, sir?

I wanna dog. Give me a dog.

One famous dog coming up.

I'll make yours extra picante, yeah?

That'll be uno, dos, tres bucks.

What the f*** is this sh*t?

This is one famous chilli cheese dog.

No, this isn't right.

I need more grease on this.

I need more oil.

Sir, I cannot do that.

It's against regulations.

I could lose my licence.

I need this oily.

I need this to lubricate the world.

I need this dog to have some grease on it,

so when I eat it

the grease will lubricate my throat.

Sir, I cannot do that.

It's not safe to use too much oil.

I could... I repeat,

I could lose my licence.

You probably think

I'm the Greasy Strangler.

That's why you won't grease my dog.

Hey, what are you doing?

You're not allowed to touch that.

That's dangerous equipment.

You could burn yourself.

I could lose my licence.

I'm gonna dunk Big Ronnie's dog

all the way in.

This dog is fully dunked.

I wanna write fantasy novels someday.

Interactive fables

with full colour illustrations

and fold-out maps of faraway realms.

I'd narrate the tales myself

for the audiobooks.

I'd do all the voices for the characters,

even the dragons and trolls.

What will the book be called?

The first one is going to be called

"The Amulet of Arg".

Arg is the reluctant keeper

of the trolls' realm.

In the second book,

he crosses over to the digital realm

to become the digi-troll.

In the third book, he fulfils his destiny

as the Lord of the Three Realms.

He has the largest amulet.

I bet you have

a pretty large amulet yourself.

I don't own an amulet.

You're a real change of pace for me

after guys like Rico.

He was all fingers.

I didn't say you could do that.

Hey, where's my dad?

(SCREAMING)

(BELCHES)

Ronnie? Is that you, Ronnie?

Why, yes it is.

It's me, Ronnie.

You must be driving some oily roads.

You're getting a lot of car washes

these days.

What are you implying, Paul?

Oh, nothing.

Just making a pleasantry,

that's all, Ronnie.

Just a pleasantry.

You ever hear those?

Next time keep it to yourself, OK?

I'm not the Greasy Strangler.

I never said you were, Ronnie.

I'm not the Greasy Strangler.

(LAUGHING)

All right, Big Brayden.

- Hey, Oinker.

- You ready to hit the Horror House?

Hey, you didn't tell me

you were out tonight.

Two nights in a row is not permitted,

unless I come with you.

Or I could evict you.

Dad, I told you this morning.

- You were too groggy to pay attention.

- Or too stoned on fart fumes.

Brayden told me you trumped

a real humdinger the other day.

He said you cut

the world's biggest cheese.

He said his eyes were watering.

I'm joining you

at the Horror House tonight.

I'm free tonight,

so I'm coming with you

to the Horror House.

But Dad!

If you don't let me come,

I'm going to tell Janet

that you haven't even stuck one finger

up a girl's p*ssy yet, OK?

Oinker, where did you get those shoes?

I'm renting them,

and I'm absolutely loving it.

- (SNORTS)

- (SNORTS)

Very good shoes, Oinker.

Three tickets for the Horror House,

please, Big Thaddeus.

Sure thing, Big Brayden.

Popcorn. I need a big bucket of popcorn.

No, this isn't right.

I need more grease on this.

Hey.

You! Hey, hey, hey!

RONNIE:
Grease! Grease! Grease! Grease!

- Dad.

- What?

Janet is coming over tonight.

We're making baguettes for dinner.

They're long French bread sticks

filled with melted mozzarella

and lardons, which are ham cubes.

Janet went to France last year.

She fell in love with the food.

Is it OK if she comes tonight, Dad?

OK, disco people, do you remember

the Earth, the Wind and the Fire?

Did you know that all three of them

lived in that apartment up there?

I've been making my own olive oil

in my bedroom.

Extra virgin.

(UNZIPPING)

Like this?

Like this, Janet?

I don't know if I'm doing it right, Janet.

I don't know if I'm doing it right, Janet.

Like this?

Is this right?

Janet?

I don't know if I'm doing it right, Janet.

Like this?

(SIGHING)

- Good morning, Ronnie.

- It is now.

Do you got any disco tours

lined up for today?

Maybe.

Do you like oily grapefruit?

(SLURPING)

(PEEING)

(STOPS PEEING)

Hello?

Who's there?

Brayden, is that you?

No, it's Ronnie, Brayden's dad.

Oh.

Everything OK?

Yeah. I wanted to watch you go pee.

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