The Greasy Strangler Page #4

with fruity flavours.

Meds for sad kids.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(RINGING TONE)

JANET:
'Hello? '

Come over now.

I'm sh*t scared.

I love you.

Oh, I feel so sexy.

But seriously, imagine if I farted now.

I'm scared, Janet.

Hey, you look deliciously sexy tonight.

Thank you.

- How was your night?

- It was terrific.

We danced a lot and we had

a lot of really creamy cocktails.

A lot of cows got milked

so we could have fun tonight.

Their teats supplied the creamy milk

that was in our cocktails tonight.

Trust me.

Oh, really? Did you spray any girls

with that hot, milky cum?

Well, that's kind of top secret.

Wanna come in and do something sensual?

Feels good, ja?

(SOBBING)

I'm guessing we f***ed all night.

Looks like a massive mouse's head.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'm officially dating Janet.

We made it official last night.

We sealed it with a kiss.

Bullshit artist.

Janet and I are exclusive.

There's no reason to talk of this anymore.

- Bullshit artist.

- Bullshit artist.

- Bullshit artist.

- You, sir, are a horse-sh*t artist.

I call bullshit on that.

I'm detecting the unmistakable scent of...

Wait for it.

Horse sh*t?

No, your answer is completely wrong.

The correct answer is...

What's the correct answer?

Wait.

Tell me the correct answer.

The correct answer is...

Horse sh*t.

- That's what I said, Dad.

- Ah, bullshit.

You're covered in horse sh*t.

Bull-sh*t art-ist.

You're officially the world's

biggest bullshit and horse-sh*t artist.

Bullshit. Horse sh*t.

Cat sh*t. Tiger sh*t.

Lion sh*t. Duck sh*t.

Walrus sh*t. Penguin sh*t.

King Penguin sh*t.

B, U, double L,

S, H, I, T,

new word,

A, R, T, I, S, spells bullshit artist.

I say again, bullshit artist.

Bully, bully, bullshit.

Janet was mine first. She loved me only.

Well, I call bullshit on that one,

because last night I claimed her p*ssy.

Oh, you claimed her p*ssy

but you never claimed her heart.

Don't make me evict you.

I'm getting really close

to throwing your whiney ass

out of my house forever.

This pasta is perfect.

This is officially the best meal

you have ever cooked.

Just the right amount of oil.

Thanks.

You could serve this pasta

at any premium restaurant

on the Sunset Strip.

Yeah.

It's called farfalle,

shaped like a bow-tie.

I know.

And the best part is,

it's fantabulously greasy.

Bravo.

I normally shoot about six ropes of cum

and dribble a little of the clear stuff,

but baby, I'm all about the ropes.

I'm the Spiderman of Cock Town.

Or the Tarzan of Cum Jungle.

Oh.

You're so much more than a hot, wet p*ssy.

You could be my forever love.

- Really?

- Yeah.

You're a hootie-tootie disco cutie.

I'm a hootie-tootie disco cutie.

BOTH:
Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie!

(GROWLING)

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

(GROWLING)

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

(GROWLING)

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

- Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

- Dad, please.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

- Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

- Janet, no, not your ass.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

Hootie-tootie disco cutie.

(SCREAMS)

(TV ON)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

My girlie is here.

'Nick Lock shot the Rasta in the neck.

'The Rasta went flying through the wall

and was dead instantly.

'Nick spun the gun around his finger

and pointed it into the future

'till the Rasta came back to life.

'"You're under arrest, mon,

for conspiracy to commit revenge,"

'the Rasta said as he lit

a hand-rolled cigar

'in the scarlet sunset.'

Oh, hey, Janet.

Ah.

You're up late.

Yeah, I'm working on a novel.

The fantasy one?

No, it's an urban cyber thriller

called "Revenge Incorporated".

It's set in a dark future

where revenge is outlawed

but there's a company you can hire

to get revenge for you.

I've been dreaming about you

throughout these long, hard nights.

Do you miss me?

Yeah, I sort of miss you.

I'm lost and lonely for you.

Basically, I love you.

Don't say that.

Unless you mean it, of course.

Why is the sky blue?

Because blue is your favourite colour.

Oh, you cornball.

Yeah, I'm a cornball, remember?

I love you, though. I love you.

I've wanted to say it for so long.

It feels good to hear it,

if I'm honest.

Give yourself to me for all time.

Don't say that.

This girl's confused.

If I could write your name

on the moon, I would,

with my own blood.

And also, I wanna marry you.

OK.

I loved you from the moment

I saw you on the disco tour.

I'm a romantic at heart.

JANET:
Ronnie?

Ronnie, are you there?

Now, that definitely sounds

like Big Ronnie.

Big Ronnie, is that you?

Big Ronnie, are you in my car wash?

How's the scrub working out?

Are the brushes stiff enough for you?

Take me disco-dancing, Big Ronnie.

(PHONE RINGING)

MAN:
'Hello?'

I'm calling because I think

it just might be possible

my dad Ronnie is the Greasy Strangler.

'Tomorrow.'

Tomorrow is fine. We can meet tomorrow.

- 'Bye-bye.'

- Bye-bye.

A detective is coming tomorrow.

His name is Jody.

I am Jody,

and if your hunch is correct,

you are the son

of the Greasy Strangler.

Come on in, Jody. I like your jacket.

You see this oil, Jody?

Looks like the oil

from the murder crime scene.

I can verify that.

This oil is scrumptious

and very good for the skin.

But that's evidence

against the Greasy Strangler.

Did you know?

Jody needs to oil his glasses.

Now, we shall go downstairs

and discuss the case.

But first,

Jody needs to wash his face.

Your dada may well be

the Greasy Strangler.

Unfortunately, I cannot proceed

with this case any further

as there is no evidence.

Please end all enquiries here.

What about the oil on his floor?

Circumstantial evidence is meaningless.

Please end all enquiries here.

So we're on our own?

Please end all enquiries here.

Come on, Jody, please.

Please end all...

Enquiries here.

Correct.

Please end all enquiries here.

Great.

Well, you've been most helpful, Mr Jody.

I know my dad's the Greasy Strangler.

I guess I'll have to expose him on my own.

Not on your own.

Jody needs to go now.

I'm really glad I met you, Brayden.

That relationship with Rico

left me in a real bad space.

Like, the worst.

That sounds horrible.

Brayden, can I tell you something?

Is it about Rico?

No.

It's about love.

I love you.

BRAYDEN:
Holy sh*t. Will you marry me?

JANET:
Yes, I will, mister.

Dad!

- Were you here the whole time?

- Yes.

Don't hide under Brayden's bed.

Hey, you're my girlfriend.

And by the way, he wouldn't even exist

if he hadn't flown

out of my long, juicy prickus.

And as for you,

as your father I forbid you to marry.

And one other thing, you're evicted,

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