The Great Masquerade Page #3

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What then?

- I let him in and introduce him

to my mommy and daddy.

Oh. - What's his name?

- Something ordinary like,

Rock.

- Rock, of that's one of my

favorite names.

I adore it.

Go on.

- Uh, we get in the car.

Go out to dinner - Uh huh.

- Take in a movie. - Uh huh.

- Now we're alone in the car.

Uh oh. - What?

- I'm not the type of girl that

kisses on the first date.

Ouch.

- What happened.

- He crushed my corsage.

- By George she's got it.

- So.

Am I a success?

- You were beautiful darling.

But there's one ultimate question

which must be answered.

- What's that?

- Will you fool anyone?

- How do we find out?

- We give you the reality test.

- Reality test?

- Good evening Mister Bartender,

may I have a Tom Collins please?

- Tom's out of town but would you

care for his replacement?

- Oh that's good.

- What's your name honey?

- Faith Cummings.

- Oh well now I'll certainly try

to keep the faith.

- And what's your name?

- Rock, it's short for Rocky.

Oh what's the matter?

- Caught a rock in my throat.

I mean uh,

went down the wrong pipe.

- Hey you okay.

- Swell. - Good.

What do you do Faith?

- Oh I'm a secretary.

What do you do?

- Everything.

- For a living?

- I sell insurance for a living.

What I'm trying to say is

your valuables will be in good hands

with your rock baby.

Got anything you want to insure?

- How about my sanity?

- Hey you're alright Faith.

Hey Charlie, how about another drink

for the little lady?

You know something that is one

terrific necklace

I really-- - Oh no

touching now Rock.

We don't wanna tarnish it now do we?

- No we don't wanna do that do we.

Welp, drink up babe.

Here's to ya.

Here's looking at ya.

- Well, do you come here often?

- Only when I need the booty.

Only when I need the booty.

- What is this your night

off or something?

- Oh yeah you know, the wife's out

of town and everything.

- You're married?

- Of course I'm married.

Everybody's married.

I've got two kids, you wanna

see their picture?

There see, see that?

Not bad huh?

Well you ready to go?

- Go, go where?

- Well uh, there's a

terrific little motel

just about three blocks

down the street.

Here I'll show you.

I got post cards, you see that?

Milton Arms, not bad huh?

Or a nice little cubbie hole

at a hotel downtown

that I use for very

special occasions.

Or we could uh, probablyjust

go on out in the car

and save a couple of bucks.

- Not very subtle are you?

- Subtle?

Subtle for what?

- Well I mean,

a girl doesn't like to be rushed.

- Hey I already bought

you two drinks.

Now you owe me something.

Now come on, I wanna get back in

time for the ball game.

- Let go of my arm.

- HEY-

What do you think you're here for.

I said I wanna be back in time

for the ball game

I don't wanna play games.

Of course all I want is a quickie.

- All you want is a quickie huh?

Well.

No way to treat a lady.

- You okay Rocky boy?

Jesus you gotta watch out for these

damned women libbers.

- Hey nice comeback.

Your face looks like a blood test.

Take my wife please.

My wife went to the beauty parlor,

she got a mud pack,

for two days she looked nice.

Then the mud fell off.

- Don't push so hard.

- I'll never get it in

if I don't push hard.

You should have oiled it.

- Just shut up

and stick it in.

- Put some Vaseline on it first.

Go on. - Oh alright.

Like this. -All around.

- Is that better? - Much better.

Look it's almost in now.

- Oh it still

doesn't fit right.

Try to push it to the left honey.

Wait it's

getting scratched.

- Scratched it's getting scratched?

- How could it get scratched?

- Yeah how could it get scratched?

It's got a ton of Vaseline on it.

- Maybe I have it

in the wrong hole'?

- Well that's good, he's got it

in the wrong hole.

- Wanna put it in a

different place or something?

- I've never put it in

the wrong hole before.

- Well then just push it

and maybe it will go in

all the way okay?

On three this time, one, two, three.

Wow it's in, it's in.

- It's in, it's in?

- What's the matter now Sherwood?

- I was just wondering will I ever

be able to get it out?

- You gotta get it out.

It's no fun if you don't get it out.

- See it's stuck.

- Oh boy, well just leave it

where it is honey,

okay, let's just go out to dinner.

- They can't go out to

dinner like that.

- But my cuff links are in

there and my wallet.

- Oh no.

Okay here we go again.

- Wait, wait, it's cracking.

Look.

- What?

- Something.

Something.

- What's the matter?

What is it?

- That looks like a...

- How's about the linguine?

- She's great linguine Vito.

- She done yet? - Almost done.

(knocking at door.

- Yeah?

- One two buckle my shoe.

- What's this one two

buckle my shoe bit.

- What do you mean,

it's the password.

- That's right.

- Well, I just passed with honors.

I am now a full fledged

female impersonator.

- Well that's better than

what you used to be

a full fledged police impersonator.

- So I got our orders.

I'm Faith Cummings and

you're Tobey Bricknell.

- Tobey Bricknell, whoever heard

of a Tobey Bricknell?

- I thought you'd like it.

- I hate it.

You liked it.

You always get the good stuff.

- Did you get anything on

Sherwood Gates?

- Well, now I know he's got a gun.

- Agun.

What about Vito and Paco?

- Those guys aren't crooks.

They're cooks.

All they ever talk about is food.

Listen.

- Hey is the

meatballs quickie yet?

- Not yet Vito, almost.

- Well beat him for

another 15 minutes.

- Quickie meatballs?

- Yeah that's what I said, all they

ever talk about is food.

- Doesn't make sense.

- Well maybe not, but we can get

some great recipes.

- Are you pounding

the meatballs Paco?

- Yeah Vito, I'm

pounding them.

I'm pounding them good.

- Well keep pounding them.

Until they get nice and tender.

- They're getting tender, they're

getting nice and tender.

- You two gonna quit working

and come to dinner?

- In a minute huh, in a minute.

- You come now and eat your fill

'cause next week you're gonna be

cooking for yourself.

- What do you mean by that?

- I mean I'm going to enter

the Artisan Models beauty

Contest this year,

whether you like it or not.

- No you ain't.

- Yes I am.

- You're already been turned down

three years in a row.

Now what do you wanna

keep taking that kind of

punishment for?

- Because I wanna, that's why.

- No you don't wanna.

No fiance of mine is gonna

be no contender

in no beauty contest.

I don't want no judges or no...

Nobody else looking at you

in no bathing suit.

- So I take off the bathing suit.

- Take off the bathing suit?

I'll kill ya, I'll make ya mort and

put ya in the ground.

You're gonna be my wife not

some piece of meat

for no judges to drool on.

Nice girls they don't do

things like that.

Nice girls they stay covered from

over here to over here.

And nice girls you know,

they stay a virgin until

they get married.

You know what, my wife's gonna

do better than that,

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