The Great Masquerade Page #7

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- You're gonna find a big yellow

box, a big yellow box.

On the side of the box it says

Dixon Costume Company.

- Got it, got it. - You got it?

In side the box there's six

Keystone Kops outfits.

- Keystone Kop?

Why Keystone Kops?

- Listen, don't be.

Because if there's any

real cops on board,

they ain't never gonna figure us

for being no Keystone Kops right?

- You're right. - I know.

- Beautiful.

- Alright see ya.

- Nassau again.

What a drag.

- I like it, I think it's

a sweet place.

- So long as you don't

pinch anything Flo.

- You can count on me.

- Looks like Vito and his gang

are going ashore.

- You haven't seen the

doctor have you?

- No, I haven't.

- Look, keep your eye out for him,

'cause I have a hunch that he

might be helpful to us.

How do you feel about taking a look

in Vito's stateroom?

- Let's go.

- You little son of a b*tch.

- Hello? - Hello.

This is Captain Dorma,

may I speak with Chief Officer

Willinghand please?

- Chief Willinghand and

Officer Fulton

are shopping downtown Nassau.

- Shopping, listen three passengers

have been stabbed on my ship.

We have an eye witness

to the last one

who said a clown stabbed a girl.

- Yes Captain I know.

But there are a lot of clowns

running around the ship.

And I can't arrest them all.

- All passengers your

attention please,

this is your cruise director,

and on behalf of the captain and

the crews operator,

I would like to apologize for

the inconvenience

that you have suffered as a result

of this killer being

loose on the ship.

Now this has never happened before

and it's beyond our control.

Now for your safety the

captain has ordered

that all of you go to your

cabins and stay there

until this maniac has been captured.

Thank you.

- Well, what happened to your

little pick up Sherwood?

She desert you for someone a

little younger huh?

A little more limber?

- Lucy stop! - No you stop it!

- Stop what?

I haven't done anything.

- You're always so

innocent aren't you.

You're always the innocent one.

- Usually yes, at least to the

things you accuse me of.

- Liar!

- Lucy keep your voice down, please.

- What about those three

girls Sherwood?

Did you celebrate an innocent

stretch far enough

to encompass them too?

Tell me.

- What's the matter?

- Nothing, nothing Sherwood.

- Can I get you something?

- Yes.

You can get me something, just peace

and quiet that's all.

Just peace and quiet.

- Dave come here.

- What is it? - It's a receipt.

- For 40 dozen cases of

instant pina colada mix.

- What the hell's he want 40 cases

of instant pina colada mix?

- Maybe he's got a bad pina.

- Give me Vito's stateroom please.

- Hey, what's the matter with him?

- Hello?

Hello?

- What are you doing here?

Please get out of here before,

before something happen to you.

- Here let me help you Doc,

come here.

- I'll be alright.

I'll be alright.

I'll be alright.

I must get medication to

Doctor Gates.

- Let's take him over to our cabin.

- Let's go.

- Who's this?

- His names Doctor Ravenna.

Paco worked him over a little bit.

Why's he got pass on my bed?

- Why'd he do this to you Doc?

- I say nothing.

Nothing.

- Well well.

When did you two get on board?

- Oh we just boarded in Nassau.

- We had a little bit of luck Dave.

- Luck, it was more than just luck.

It was pure investigative skill.

- Well whatever it was

Fancher broke down

and confessed the whole story.

- Yeah Gates paid him to

confess to the murders.

- Yeah and since Fancher was dying,

he went along with it.

- Yeah the thing is, once he

realized he wasn't dying

he told the truth.

- You see Gates fed him

all the details,

gave him all the facts, he gave

credence to his confession.

- The question is,

how did Gates know all the details.

- I know, I know.

'Cause Gates is the killer, right.

- So then when do we arrest him?

- Well it's fairly simple Dave.

Apparently Gates is being

blackmailed by Vito,

who knows about the murders,

into smuggling aboard this ship vast

quantities of cocaine.

Now this cocaine is wrapped in wax

paper and smuggled in,

in cans of instant pina colada mix.

Pina coloda is, as you know,

a delicious drink,

comprised of pineapple and

coconut juices,

which when blended produce a tangy

taste to the palette,

none too tart, none too sweet,

but just...

Well as a matter of fact, one zany

night in Puerto Rico

the chief and I we...

Sorry Chief.

- Anyway the way it looks now, Gates

is our chief suspect.

And Vito knows it, he's

blackmailing him.

We figured if we could

get on this ship

and rode it into Miami,

we'd get ourselves not only a killer

but a whole ring of coke smugglers.

That's why we held off on

arresting Gates.

- So what do we do in the meantime?

- We proceed just as planned.

You enter the contest

just as we decided.

- Aside from averting suspicions,

it will give us a great sitting

duck for the killer.

- Yeah, I forgot about

that part of it.

- Hey uh, what do you think of

our costumes huh?

Arlene and I went down and,

I mean Officer Fulton and I went

down and picked them out.

I doubt that there'd be

many people dressed

as a Keystone Kop.

- Hey, how do you like

this number huh?

Just like the movies I used to

see when I was a kid.

With the pianos going tinkle tinkle.

HEY:

whatever happened to the old moving

pictures anyway huh?

- I'll tell you what happened

to moving pictures.

They're waiting for me that's

what happened to 'em.

- They ain't waiting for you.

You ain't going to no

moving pictures.

You're going to stay home

where you can cook and make babies.

- You quit telling me what to do.

- Hey you know something?

You too make me sick.

I'm going to the can.

Hey Paco. - What?

- Paco, the doc.

He ain't in the toilet no more.

- What do you mean he ain't in

the toilet no more.

I gave him a shot in the head,

he couldn't walk six

inches by himself.

- You give him a shot? - Yeah.

- You give him a shot.

I give you a shot you moron,

he got away.

- Chief, you think

Fulton will be okay

down there with the doc?

- Fulton will be okay anywhere,

Dave.

- We'll cover the Aquarius Lounge,

okay Chief?

- Okay I'll stay here, you guys keep

your eyes peeled huh?

- Right Chief.

H9)'-

I thought the chief was gonna

cover the Rainbow Room.

- And here's the

hilarious comedy team

you've all been waiting for folks.

Direct from sunny Miami Beach,

the Laugh Gators from Comedy Box,

Lou Marsh and Tony Adams.

- Holy cow.

- Did you get hurt?

- Huh? - Did you get hurt?

- Are they laughing? - No.

- I got hurt, that didn't

feel too good at all.

- Hey what did you think of

Scotty's beard.

Isn't that beautiful. -

Yeah he looks great.

You look like an armpit with eyes.

- Hey this is a great audience.

- Great audience, so glad we came.

- Hey what were you

doing back there?

- Where, back there? - Uh huh.

- Oh did you see the pretty girls

that are ready to come out here?

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