The Great Muppet Caper Page #2

- Excuse me.

- What?

We'd like a room.

Really?

Yeah, we'd like to check in.

Somebody's checking in!

Somebody's checking in?

There's no fire in the fireplace

There's no carpet on the floor

Don't try to order dinner

There's no kitchen anymore

But if the road's been kind of bumpy

and you need to rest a spell

Welcome home to Happiness Hotel

- How are you guys fixing to pay?

- What are our choices?

A:
credit card.

B:
cash.

C:
sneak out

in the middle of the night.

We'll take C.

Very popular choice.

If you got luggage keep it handy

But you're running out of luck

'Cause the bellhops

ain't too organized

And the elevator's stuck

So if you don't mind friendly animals

and can learn to stand the smell

Welcome home to Happiness Hotel

I may be mistaken,

but the bellhops look like rats.

You should see the chambermaids.

Welcome home

No matter where you wander,

you will never do as well

Okay, the lobby's looking shabby

and it's got the wrong address

And the whole dang thing

has been condemned by American Express

Still the management is cheerful

though the whole joint's gone to hell

- You guys live here?

- Yeah, but only between gigs.

So that means we've been here

this time five years.

Yeah, but, you know,

our agent, he says...

things are really gonna break

as soon as we get our new glossies.

What's wrong with the drummer?

He looks a little crazed.

He's upset about missing the Rembrandt

exhibit at the National Gallery.

Oh, there are bugs

And there are lice

Sure we have our little problems,

but you'll never beat the price

- You've got every kind of critter

- You've got every kind of pest

But we treat them all as equals

just like any other guest

Though you're cleaner

than the others

Still as far as we can tell

You'll fit right in

to Happiness Hotel

We'll fit right in

To Happiness Hotel

Say cheese!

You are all weirdos.

That's just fine right there.

Thank you.

Not bad!

Are you sure we can afford this?

Kermit, I'm getting hungry.

- Call room service.

- There's no phone.

That's okay.

There's no food either.

- Come on, Rizzo.

- All right.

Why don't we forget about food

and get a good night's sleep?

We have to get up early

to interview Lady Holiday.

I sure could use something from one

or more of the basic food groups.

We'll have breakfast in the morning.

Right now, let's just

be thankful we're here.

- This is nice.

- Can somebody turn out the light?

Thank you.

This is Lady Holiday.

Milan speaking?

Then put him on.

Yes, darling, I'm fine.

I had quite a scare.

Thank God, I wasn't hurt.

Of course,

my diamonds were valuable.

All my diamonds are valuable.

Darling, I want you to call

the United States and tell Vogue...

they can't have the photographs

of the spring line until after the show.

I'm not too happy

with some of the designs.

I still have to make some changes.

I'm looking at three of the gowns now,

and I can see horrendous mistakes.

Of course, Paris should be notified.

- Carla, that neckline is too high.

- I rather like the effect.

- Do you like looking like an ostrich?

- Of course not.

And Marla,

too many frills and fabillose.

I don't think we should strive

for the fantailed pigeon look.

And you, Darla.

That outfit's the pits.

Loose where it should be tight

and tight where it should be loose.

Why would I design such

atrocious-looking clothes?

- I must be getting senile.

- Yes, Lady Holiday?

We have to make drastic changes

in the line before the show tomorrow.

All my girls are looking

like barnyard animals.

Good heavens, who are you?

My name is Miss Piggy...

and I would like to be

a high fashion model.

Doesn't surprise me.

It seems to be the way we're heading.

I have always dreamed

of being a Holiday model.

I brought my je ne sais quoi

and my portfolio...

all the way here to London

to see you...

the one and only Lady Holiday.

- May I come in?

- Absolutely not.

- May I show you my portfolio?

- No.

Good. Here.

You may open it.

This is me reeking grandeur.

Being aloof.

Being demure.

Daring.

- Interesting range of emotions.

- You think so?

As you can see from this small sampling,

modeling is my life.

It is my destiny.

I shall accept nothing less.

I can offer you a job

as a receptionist.

I'll take it!

Thank you!

You won't be sorry, I promise.

I can type.

I can take shorthand.

I can make coffee.

- I can do it all!

- Sit!

I can sit.

I'm very good at sitting.

Are you quite under control?

I'll be lunching

with my brother Nicky.

He's second in command here,

and he's an irresponsible parasite.

But I had to bring him

into the business...

because he squandered

his half of the inheritance...

and he has no prospects.

Not that he's grateful. He still

gambles and incurs bad debts...

uses my charge accounts, eats my food

and borrows my cars without permission.

He's not to be trusted.

I wouldn't put it past him

to try to steal...

my most valuable and largest jewel,

the fabulous Baseball Diamond.

And I don't know why his bow ties

are always crooked.

Still, in all, he is my brother.

Why are you telling me all this?

It's plot exposition.

It has to go somewhere.

Anyway, I want you to answer

the telephone while I'm gone...

and straighten up the office.

Consider it done.

Everything's under control.

Not to sweat.

Carry on.

I'll be back in an hour.

Oh, boy!

I am going to be a famous model!

I'm so happy for me!

Miss Piggy, you are on your way.

Where does Lady Holiday get off

calling me an ostrich?

We'll get even with Lady Holiday

tonight when we steal her necklace.

What will you wear

for the robbery?

Quiet.

Hi. Hello.

Hubba-hubba.

Excuse me.

Where's Lady Holiday's office?

- Around the corner to the left.

- Thank you.

Did you just give directions

to a frog?

- I guess I did.

- Smile.

Is that a new photographer?

I think I'm stuck.

Pull.

- Gonzo, are you okay?

- Oh, sure. It was just my nose.

You guys stay here.

I'll find Lady Holiday.

Yes, sir.

Get your nose in here.

It's really fun.

Mr. Holiday, did you order

a gross of flowered socks?

Oh, what an honor!

You're all so wonderful.

Thank you for choosing moi

as model of the year.

I never dreamed

when I first began in this business...

that I would reach such lofty heights.

- Thank you.

- Excuse me.

So what do you think about the drapes?

Personally, I'd rather see shutters.

Yes.

And on this wall here, I--

Lady Holiday?

Gee, are you okay?

I don't think I'll ever be the same.

Pardon?

I mean, I don't usually

fall like that.

I thought it was a very nice fall.

It was quite graceful, actually.

Thank you, whoever you are.

My name is Kermit the Frog, and I've

come all the way from America...

to interview you

for the Daily Chronicle.

Me? Why me?

Because you're Lady Holiday.

Yeah, right.

Reason enough.

You want to help me out

of this wastebasket?

- Yeah.

-Just pull.

Harder.

So, listen, can I ask you

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