The Great Outdoors Page #2

Not at all. A pontoon boat,

you go out and cruise the lake.

You swim from them, fish from them,

even bring the barbecue out.

You have a great time.

You tour the lake in comfort.

You guys want to cruise in comfort

or would you rather skim the waves

in a jet boat?

Jet boat!

- Sorry, Dad.

- Attaboy, Benny!

All right, that's my man.

Care to put it to a vote?

We don't need a vote.

You want a jet boat, get a jet boat.

- Buck and I are getting a pontoon boat.

- Sorry, Dad.

Directly from the mouths of babes!

Are you going to argue

or enjoy yourselves?

I'm enjoying, Chet's arguing!

How about if the kids catch fireflies?

We can play cards.

Cara, Mara. You little dolls want

to go outside and catch fireflies?

Honey, they don't like bugs.

What? All kids like bugs. They're cute.

Especially fireflies.

Their butts light up.

I am a killer Monopoly player.

Roman taught me. He's vicious.

- Buddy Riecher died.

- Oh, no.

President of Energy Resources.

- Honey.

- Died in bed.

- He was your mentor, wasn't he?

- A man I admired.

- I'm trying to read here!

- Sorry. Sorry.

I think I have to, er, tell you this story.

A story that might save your lives

up here in the woods.

I know the Heimlich maneuver.

No. This is a...

a bear story.

A true bear story.

Connie and I honeymooned

at this very lake.

Big spender!

- We stayed at my uncle's cabin.

- Uncle George?

Yeah. That's right.

One night

we were getting ready for bed

and we heard this terrible noise

out by the trash cans.

You remember? And, er...

I went downstairs to check it out,

looked out the window...

and there...

was the biggest,

baddest bear in the north woods.

- Sure, Dad.

- No, it's true. It's true.

This bear was over eight feet high.

With big, white teeth.

Fangs...

stained pink...

from whatever it killed

before it got to our cabin.

It was frightening.

Frightening.

- The paws on this thing were immense.

- Urgh.

With big, black claws.

Razor sharp...

like Freddy Krueger.

Only worse, worse.

This wasn't a movie.

This was happening right in front of me.

And all that separated me

from that bear...

was a pane of glass.

Honey, maybe we shouldn't

tell this story...

- It's fine.

- I'm thinking about nightmares.

No, no. They have to hear this.

Like I say,

it might save their life one day.

Now, I saw that bear. It saw me.

And it was hungry.

Hungry for blood!

Human blood.

You see, once a bear gets a taste

for blood...

it craves it.

It needs it.

It will do anything it can to get it.

That bear had become...

a man-eater!

Our eyes locked. My heart was pumping.

Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump.

I ran into the living room,

grabbed the shotgun off the mantle,

turned around, and there was that bear

right in the window.

Its breath was fogging up the glass.

And suddenly,

it let out this god-awful roar.

It started smashing the walls.

Pots and pans started rattling,

the walls shimmering

and the floorboards lifting.

I knew then that it was either the bear

or your mom and I.

So I raised the rifle,

I took aim and I fired.

- You wasted her?

- No, Benny.

- A shotgun's not going to kill that.

- What happened?

The buckshot shaved the hair

clean off the top of its head.

It ran off. We never saw it again.

I hear from my uncle now and then...

and he'd tell us about

the baldheaded killer bear in the area.

The baldheaded killer bear...

of Clare County.

- Is she still around?

- Oh! No, no. That bear's gone.

Well, she may be out there.

Crazy, bloodthirsty as ever.

So when you go to bed tonight...

if you hear a noise...

whatever you do...

don't look out the window.

Because it might be a bear!

Christ! I'm half-drunk here, Chet!

- Are you trying to give me nightmares?

- Come on.

I can't believe you, Dad!

- Benny, honey.

- Thank you!

I'm 25 pounds overweight, I don't

need a blast to the ticker like that!

- Really inappropriate, Chet.

- What? It was a story. Come on.

Oh, come on.

It was a kind of true story.

Part of it happened.

I just embellished a bit. Come on!

What? What is that look?

So now I get the look?

I was just trying to have fun.

Oh, God!

So I made the fangs a little bigger. Jeez!

You have nothing

to be afraid of, OK? I mean it.

It's a story my dad told me

and I'm sure his dad told him,

and I'm telling you. It's made up.

One day you're going to tell it

to your kids, I guarantee it.

Good evening. How's it going?

Listen, girls...

As your father,

I feel it incumbent upon me

to set the record straight

on the validity of the tale

Uncle Chet shared with us.

A story like that

coming from an authority figure

could be traumatizing for kids.

I had a similar experience with

my Uncle Roy and a story he told

about a family who were attacked

by a band of psychiatric patients

who had been subjected

to violent, hellish

behavior modification experiments.

They escaped from the metal boxes

the army kept them in,

found this family in the woods,

fell upon them,

slaughtered them and ate them.

That story gave me nightmares

not to be believed,

so I don't want Uncle Chet's

bear story to upset you.

So I'm here to say

that there is no bear

and that all Uncle Chet was saying

was just a yarn for our entertainment

and even if there were a bear,

I'm in the house to protect you.

So, no more thinking about bears,

all right?

No more unpleasant things.

We're going to close our eyes

and dream about nice things.

About cuddly, soft, fluffy things.

OK?

Super.

Good night. Sleep tight.

'Hey, kids...

New people in the loon's nest.'

'They have Illinois plates, Mom.'

'lf they're from Chicago,

we'll be eating good.

'Lobster tails!

'A shitload of raw hot dogs.'

'You know what they're made of...

'lips and a**holes!'

Honey?

Chet? Where are you?

Oh, God! That's rotted. Oh!

Jerry Asner, please. Roman Craig.

Yeah, I can't hold for long.

My signal's kind of weak.

- Honey?

- Yes, Roman?

Why do Chet's kids look at him

like he's Zeus?

My kids look at me like

I'm a rack of yard tools at Sears.

I mean, why can't they connect

with me?

Maybe if you spent less time at work,

things would be different.

Put a cork in it, honey.

Talkin' business. Jerry?

Roman. How are you?

I'll save us trouble

and cut right to the chase.

I've got an investment opportunity.

You got about three minutes

and 25 grand? Jerry?

Did you hear what I said?

Lost the signal.

These phones don't work.

- Maybe he hung up.

- Why would a minister hang up?

- I've been to his church.

- Oh, yeah. Once!

All right!

How about that?

We'll be scraping the bugs

off our teeth with this!

- Dad.

- That's too much boat.

- Look...

- It's just too much.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Sure. You hungry?

Give me four chili dogs

and two plain dogs, please.

- That's six hot dogs.

- It's for everybody.

And I'm hungry.

- So?

- Yeah.

Do you mind if I just walk around?

Cruise the town?

I can walk back when I'm done.

All right. But you gotta promise me

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