The Great Outdoors Page #3

we'll spend some time together.

- That's why we're here.

- I know.

That's the whole point -

to be in the woods,

together, rugged,

manly, the full nine yards.

- Exactly.

- Right?

- Give me a hug.

- What?

- Give me a hug.

- Dad...

- I'm too old for hugs.

- You're never too old for hugs.

- Can I go now? Thank you very much.

- Go.

Bring back your friends

for a ride in "suck my wake".

Great!

You've got it in neutral!

It's OK.

It's in neutral. You gotta put it...

- OK.

- I'll figure it out. Just give me the skis.

I'm sorry. I forgot.

You're a professional skier.

You don't need any notes.

Any help from someone

who might know about skiing.

- We'll go over it once more.

- Fine.

- This is important.

- OK!

What are we doing sitting here?

He's teaching the kid.

He wants Benny to be safe.

Lean back. That feel better?

There you go. We're leaning back.

There's trouble.

- What?

- Trouble. There's trouble.

Come on. What do we do?

Let go of the rope.

If you're in trouble,

let go of the rope.

Remember, go loose when you fall.

Just go loose.

- What's he doing?

- I don't know.

- He's shaking.

- He's got a new dance.

- Hold this. Thanks, Dad.

- Are you going to ski or what?

I can't tell you how important this is.

Let's go. Ski or flee.

Honey, he's waving.

- He's going?

- He's going. Great.

Whoa!

Hey, Dad, let go of the rope!

Oh, my God!

Help me, for God's sake!

Holy sh*t!

Oh, no!

Wow!

Whoa!

You bastard!

- You bastard!

- What's he saying?

- You bastard!

- What's he saying?

- Faster.

- Faster?

Go faster.

What the hell are you doing?

I'd love to see him rocksie!

I'm dead! I'm dead! I'm dead!

I'm dead! I'm dying! I'm dying!

I'm dying! I'm dying!

I'm alive. I'm alive.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, no!

What a show! What a champion!

- What are you doing?

- What does it look like?

I am not taking any more

of Roman's crap.

You can stay cos I'm out of here.

What happened that got you so crazy?

What happened?

Come on, what happened?

How about Roman dragging me

all over the goddamn lake?

- Have you seen my ass?

- Not recently.

I'll be picking splinters out of it till I die!

- Honey, come on.

- You find that funny? Hysterical!

It wasn't funny

but because I love you...

- Thanks a lot!

- What about the kids?

His kids? All right.

Let's talk about his kids.

They're spooky. I'm waiting for their

heads to rotate and vomit pea soup.

- I mean our kids.

- Our kids already do that.

What about this father-son thing?

You're gonna leave? Come on.

- He's driving me crazy!

- You're a big man.

You're a nice man

and you're above all this.

- Oh, don't.

- You are.

- Come on.

- I know it to be true.

Don't. Come on, I'm mad. I'm mad.

Come on. All right, all right.

Am I being silly?

Crazy. Stop.

- Why do you always do this?

- I'm crazy about you. Kiss me.

- Feel better?

- I do. I'm sorry. I feel like a kid.

OK.

Why did you do this? I was ready to go!

Why? I was almost in the car.

Now I've got to spend a week

with Roman.

You're gonna have fun from now on.

Roman's making goat-cheese pizza

to take to the lodge.

- Making what?

- Er...

- What did you say?

- Pizza.

- You said something else.

- Big man pizza.

What are you hiding?

- Tell me what it is.

- Pizza.

No. You said a goat. Is he making

goat pizza? Hey, come here!

Roman, I've got a few things

to gnaw over with you.

What's up?

I found your kids

inside the mine perimeter.

- What mine?

- There's an old mica mine.

It's full of boreholes,

sinkholes, pits, caves, hollows.

The war shut the facility down.

Anyway the kids go there

and yell down the holes

so they can hear their voices echo.

I won't tell you

what the teenagers do.

- I'll bet!

- Tell Ripley too.

Done.

Take care of them, Roman.

We could see a female

Elvis impersonator at Whitewater

and you want to wish happy birthday

to some guy?

If you want to go to Whitewater, go.

I find it more interesting

to pay my respects

to a man who's lived on this earth

He's the oldest man in Canada.

Isn't that something?

I'd rather see a 46-inch bust

singing Burning Love.

Yeah.

Hey, Wally.

How about a nice club soda?

I'm driving tonight.

Nice outfit.

You're Mr. Coordinated tonight.

- Well...

- Quite the look on you.

Yeah. Well, the pants are riding

up the butt something fierce but...

look at that.

- Wally, how's the bear dump situation?

- We got a good one.

Good evening, sir. Happy birthday.

He must be hard of hearing

or something. Try again.

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

Do you speak English?

Our sincerest congratulations, sir.

You wishing Mr. Tomkins

a happy birthday?

I don't think the guy can hear us.

How about a nice group photo?

Everybody get in there.

- I push the red button?

- Yeah.

- How do you focus?

- You don't.

- You don't focus?

- Push the button.

I don't like them climbing around

Mr. Tomkins. He ain't no jungle gym.

Girls, why don't you kiss Mr. Tomkins

on the cheek?

- No.

- A nice kiss on the cheek.

Come on, it's cute!

What old man wouldn't like it?

A dead one.

Bill died in the car on the way over.

- Jesus, Dad!

- Go wash. Go wash.

- I touched him.

- In the bathroom.

- How could you do that?

- I didn't. He did it.

You're disgusting! Kids?

That was a really good shot, Ben.

Really good.

What the hell?

Hey! You gave her a class goose

with the pool cue.

She's so cute.

Violent but cute.

You got chalk right there.

- Look, I'll be back in a minute.

- What about the bear dump?

Hey, it's crowded. This is great.

- Yeah, Dad.

- A lot of people are hip to this.

Oh, yeah. Hey!

Right. Look at those bears. Huh?

Are you scared or what?

Look at the bears!

- They're great, Dad.

- "They're great, Dad."

You're gonna see some bears.

- Dad?

- Shh, shh, shh.

Here you go! A nice Zagnut.

Yeah. Come on.

Come on.

Come on. More.

Come on. Here's some more.

Jeez. Boy, he likes those.

Now we'll get some action.

Big head on him. Ooh, boy.

Easy, easy there. Easy.

Come on, watch the paint job! Hey, shoo!

Look at the size of those teeth. Whoo.

- Hey! Shoo! Go on.

- Dad, I wouldn't do that.

All right. Maybe you're right.

He's looking at us.

He's not finished.

When he finishes, he'll go.

- Pretty big bear.

- Very big.

Just let him eat his candy bar

and shoo shoo shoo.

Hi. How you doing?

Whoo.

Oh, Jeez! All right, all right. OK.

Erm, let me rethink this.

Hey! What the hell?

All right.

- I've told you I love you, right?

- Yeah.

Good.

What do you say we call it a night?

Holy Jeez! Oh, boy!

Oh, boy. We've started something.

Erm...

- Let's call it an evening.

- Yeah. I'm tired.

- Me too. Yeah. Let's just go.

- Yeah.

That didn't scare him, Dad.

I'm, erm... gonna move now.

I'm moving now!

All right. I'll just drive out.

He'll jump right off.

Don't you worry.

Dad? Isn't it illegal to drive

with a bear on your hood?

I don't know in this state, son.

It's Yogi and Boo Boo in the flesh.

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