The Great Outdoors Page #4

I wish Ranger Smith

would get out here.

Hey, easy on the roof, pal!

Should have brought Uncle Roman's car.

Knock knock.

You, er, didn't give me

a chance to apologize.

- Can I sit down?

- I don't own the park.

Oh.

Look...

- I just got here. I'm from...

- Chicago.

- How did you know?

- It's no big trick.

You live in this town,

it becomes like second nature.

- I guess I just met my first local.

- You don't know how local I am.

You know...

It's a...

It's a really beautiful town. I mean...

It's a hole in the earth.

Look, save your breath.

I'm not a tourist attraction.

What did I do?

Hey, Dad.

- How are you?

- What are you doing down here?

Oh... getting a breath of night air.

Hey... You want to take a spin

in the rowboat?

- Now?

- What the hell?

- In the dark?

- We'll check out some stars.

- I don't know.

- Let's do something.

- Let's go.

- Dad...

Come on. I'll let you row.

- Oh, great.

- It'll be fun.

Boy, what a beautiful sky.

Smell that air. Isn't that something?

That's the city in your lungs.

You're getting the good air in now.

One day, you'll be coming up here

with your kids.

- Yeah. Maybe.

- I want to give you something.

You're not going to kiss me

in the boat under the moon?

I'm not going to kiss you.

I want to give you my ring.

- Why?

- Why? Because...

my father gave it to me

and I'm giving it to you.

You're grown-up now. You deserve it.

So, like, er...

you and I coming to the woods

is like your father bringing you here?

- Yeah. I guess so.

- Yeah. I understand.

Thanks for the ring.

'Rocks on top of the cans.

'That never works.

'We'll just knock the cans over.'

'Of course we will.

'Can I stay up again and watch

the big guy rake up all the mess?'

How are you doing... Cammie?

Can I help you?

I don't know.

What's the house specialty?

Where am I supposed to put the tray?

Going by last night, I'm sure you can

think of some good places.

I'm sorry. I was in kind of a bad mood.

Don't worry. It's no big deal.

That doesn't mean I didn't mean

what I said. It's true.

Wait. You don't even know me.

How can you say that's true of me?

- It's a safe assumption.

- Excuse me?

- Can we get some service?

- I'll be right there. I gotta go.

- What time do you finish work?

- Eight o'clock.

Eight o'clock?

And where are you

going to be after work?

I'll be around.

- Can I see you?

- Yeah. If you can find me.

I got you. I got you!

Come on, Chet!

If you trail behind,

the Indians will get you!

- Come on, honey.

- Uncle Roman, wait for Dad.

Come on! Hurry up.

Watch out for those Wisconsin

rattlers and wild boar.

Honey, come on!

Wait up, you guys.

Come on. Whoa. Hey. Ow!

Easy. All right. OK.

OK. Have it your way. I'll just get off.

You all right? OK.

We're walking. Come on.

Come on, let's go. Hey!

Easy, easy. Let's just walk back

to the stable, all right?

I'm walking, you're walking.

Let's have a nice easy walk.

All right. That was your last chance.

That's it. Have it your way.

I don't want to do this

but you forced me to.

I hate to do this to you.

I'm normally not a mean person but I...

Hey! Come back, you son of a b*tch!

That baby I was riding

was a purebred -

purebred mule horse!

- You rode it like it was.

- That baby was bred for packing.

- You looked great on that horse.

- Here he comes.

Where is he? Hi, honey.

He's lost his mount.

How are you doing, trouper?

Where's that ball-slappin' nag

you were riding?

- He looks the worse for wear.

- OK, Dad?

- I'm OK.

- Did that horse buck you off?

What happened? You got hungry

and had to eat the nag, huh?

- Let's go home.

- What?

- Go home.

- Home?

- We've got the whole day planned!

- A nap.

- Come on!

- Oh, yeah.

- Come on!

- I'm fine. It was OK.

I know musky's the big deal fish

in these waters

but come with me

off the coast of Virginia,

I'll let you hook into

a thousand-pound blue marlin

and you'll know what fishing's

all about with a capital F!

Excuse him. After a few cocktails,

he's an expert on everything.

- Was that a shot?

- No, that was the truth.

- That was a shot.

- That was a shot.

Speaking of shots, set us up!

- This guy's a riot.

- Isn't he?

- Everybody loves him, right?

- Oh, yeah.

You make a lot of tips on this job?

- I do all right.

- Who handles your investments?

My wife's got some egg money

put aside

but she won't give it up to me.

I'll take her number, I'll change that.

That's what I do - investments.

How you doing?

Well, it-it-it-it-it-it

ain't-ain't r-r-r-raining.

- It ain't r-r-r-raining, so t-t-that's good.

- Yeah. I guess so.

- You fellas met Reg?

- I don't think so.

How you doing? Roman Craig.

Pleased to meet you.

Er, Chet Ripley. How do you do?

That's quite a hairdo you got.

- A neo-skunk thing?

- Roman!

- The hair!

- You don't have to say it.

His hair turned white

cos lightning hit him.

He's been struck by lightning...

How many times, Reg?

S-S-S-Six...

Six times?

S-S-Six...

Sixty-six times.

In-n-n...

the head!

Sixty-six times?

God! That's gotta hurt.

You'll never meet a guy more tuned in

to the barometric pressure than Reg.

Yeah. You see him running like hell

for home, head for cover. Right, Reg?

Hey, you pay. I gotta go to the john.

Introduce Mr. Thick Dick

to Mr. Urinal Cake.

Jeez, Roman! Do you have to?

What I really want to say is...

thank you.

This is very important

to Roman and me.

- I miss you, Connie.

- Oh, honey!

It's so lonely being wealthy.

Hm. I wouldn't know about that.

No, I mean it, honey.

I mean it, it is lonely.

He works terrible hours. Travels.

We go a month

without going to bed together.

Really? A month? That long?

Mm-hm.

I get pleasure by leaning against

the washer during the spin cycle.

- Does that work?

- Have you ever seen whiter whites?

- When do you go back to Chicago?

- Erm, three days.

I've never had a boyfriend

for longer than two weeks.

- Get outta here.

- That's why I was such a b*tch.

- No, you weren't a b*tch.

- Yes, I was.

It's no big deal.

I don't understand

what I'm doing here.

Look, I've never even had a girlfriend.

I've dated girls

but never one I'd call my girlfriend.

- What would you call me?

- Officially?

Girlfriend?

And you're leaving in three days.

See what I mean?

Yeah.

- Well?

- Well what?

- What? What?

- It touched me!

It's been touching you for 12 years.

- Not you!

- What?

- A thing.

- What thing?

What's going on for God's sakes?

What is it?

That thing!

That's just a little sparrow.

Come on, Roman, it's got ears.

Jesus!

Jesus, it's a tiny flying mouse,

not a bear.

I am not going back in till it's out.

- We'll get it out. Chet.

- What?

Get a shovel, go in there

and get that radar-guided vermin.

- Why me?

- It's your cabin. We didn't order bats.

- You stay here too.

- You're the hosts.

- So what?

- Stop fighting and go kill it.

- We don't have to kill it.

- Kill it!

- It didn't do anything.

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