The Great Outdoors Page #5

- It attacked me.

He's wimping out. I'll take care of it.

I am not wimping, I'm thinking.

There's a big difference.

If you want me to take care of it, I will.

I'm just wondering who's gonna do it.

I'll do it. I'd like to get some sleep.

Afraid of a little bat.

- So?

- It buzzed me.

We need a plan. It's bigger than

I thought. It's about a two-pounder.

- Two-pounder?

- Yeah, big wings.

- It's got the teeth. Frightening.

- Wow.

I think we have to do something.

What we need, Roman - big plan.

That's what we need.

We'll have this baby

squealing Mayday by midnight.

Let's split up.

- You see him?

- He's hiding.

Turn out the lights. He's nocturnal.

He'll think it's daytime like this.

Good point.

- Have you got him?

- Come on, you sonar-guided rodent.

- Connie, bats carry rabies, don't they?

- Yeah, among other things.

I'm gonna call him now.

OK, just be still.

- Are you kissing him or calling him?

- I'm calling him!

- That's the sound they make.

- OK, OK.

- Dad!

- Oh, no...

I got him!

Keep back.

- Get the light on him.

- Keep your eye on the bat.

Whoa!

Look at that thing move!

Christ Almighty!

Ooh, I hit my head.

- Where is he?

- I don't know.

He's in the rafters. Where are you?

I'm here!

- He's on my face!

- Hold still!

Honey...

We got it!

- We got it!

- Oh, the pain.

- We got it!

- Ooh, that had to hurt.

What a fighter.

Boy, he was something. I salute him.

But we got to get some sleep.

Hey.

- Glad to see you.

- What time do you get off work?

- Eight.

- Great. I'll meet you at nine.

- Where?

- I don't know! You live here.

- Erm, the bait shop?

- Sure.

I'll buy you some worms.

- You wanna ditch me?

- Wait a second. Why would I ditch you?

I don't know.

I'm just waiting for it to happen.

If I ditch you,

you have my permission never

to speak to me for as long as we live.

- Promise?

- Promise.

I got to go.

- See you later.

- Bye.

Yeah, that should do it.

Good idea.

I'll have the Royal Canadian Mounted

beef barley soup.

- Ooh, yeah.

- And then that bucket of salad.

- I'll split that with you.

- You will? That would help.

And then the medley of perch.

That's my favorite. OK.

Miss, what's the Old '96er?

That's our world-famous

Paul Bunyan's blue ox steak.

It is a 96-ounce prime-aged beef steak

and if any member of your party

orders the Old '96er and finishes,

everybody eats for free.

- Not bad, huh?

- Wanna go for it, girls?

- How about you, Chet?

- People like it.

- I'll try it. What the heck?

- Has anybody ever eaten one?

Oh... no. Not in my lifetime, no.

Bon apptit.

Oh, good God.

Let's check it out.

How is he?

That's good. Processing very nicely.

All right, continue.

- All right.

- I did it!

- That just about does it.

- He's not done yet.

He may take a while

with that last bite but it'll go.

- That ain't the last bite.

- Sure it is.

There's nothing left but gristle and fat.

- Oh, God, no.

- No problem.

If I can get a dessert down him,

can we get some

Paul Bunyan hats for the kids?

Bye.

Mom, can I go now?

They'll be telling their grandkids

about this.

What a night!

Where's he going?

That Jimbo's not a bad guy.

I just had a word with him out back.

'Where're the garbage cans?'

'He probably put them in the cabin.'

'Garbage in the cabin?'

'They're not the cleanest species

on the face of the earth, you know.

'It's not a problem.

We'll just have to break in.'

'Can we do that?'

'What do you think we have these

wonderfully articulate fingers for?

'To scratch our asses!'

Sh*t!

- Oh, my God.

- Jesus.

Look at the size of the maggots

on that meat.

Oh, honey!

Oh, my God.

Let's go everybody.

Move it out. It's 5am.

Fishing boat goes in 15 minutes.

These are the biggest worms ever.

They're leeches.

I am not touching leeches!

- They don't bite.

- No, they suck blood.

Would you watch the hook?!

Where's the flashlight?

Behind you.

You owe me big for this!

Very funny.

Give me a leech, will you?

Has everybody got their leech?

All right, on the count of three,

insert your hook.

One, two, three.

May I speak with Cammie?

Hold on just a minute. Cammie, phone.

Cammie's really busy,

may I take a message?

All right, just tell her that Buck called.

OK, fine, Buck. Goodbye.

- What are you up to?

- What's it look like?

- It looks like you're wanking your crank.

- I'm trying to build a fire.

You'll never get a fire going that way.

You don't crumple a newspaper up,

you twist it,

lengthwise, to simulate kindling.

Maybe, Roman, just maybe,

I'm trying to heat up the flue.

He's heating the flue. Meanwhile,

the humans are freezing to death.

- I'm really not cold. Not at all.

- Thank you for sharing that.

I'm so sorry, Roman. Forgive me.

Why don't you come over

and show me how to do it?

You talk a great game,

let's see some action.

After all, you know everything.

You always know exactly what to do.

Katie, you were right,

we should have gone to Europe

or Antarctica or the Dead Sea.

We would have had more fun.

Is that a fact? Nobody forced you

to come up here, buddy boy.

As a matter of fact,

I don't remember anybody inviting you.

Do you remember inviting him?

I sure as hell don't.

- And what does that statement mean?

- You figure it out for yourself.

You specify, you clarify for me.

Just as a common courtesy.

- You know what he means.

- They're saying we're not welcome.

Oh! What did I hear? We've got a bingo!

You did figure it out, Kate.

So, now it's all starting to ooze out.

It's very interesting, isn't it?

Yeah, very.

Especially since we threw aside our

plans, and we had a great trip planned,

to come up here

to show these dead-asses

how to start to learn to have a good time.

Thanks for ruining my vacation.

What was that? Ruining your vacation?

Is that what you said?

Oh, come on, I don't believe

I heard you say that.

- You'd better believe it.

- Don't push it.

You ain't even seen pushing yet.

The trouble with you, Ripley,

is you wouldn't know a good time

if it fell on you.

You got an awful lot of nerve,

a lot of nerve.

It's served me well.

I'm the one with the Mercedes.

By the way, is it paid for?

- Are you jealous, Chester?

- Don't call me Chester.

Call me that and you'll go home

with a dent in your forehead.

- Yeah, that'll be the day.

- Would you like one to match his?

- You wanna go right now?

- Dad, no one's denting anybody.

- Thanks, Bucky.

- Bite the big one, Uncle Roman.

- Don't talk to adults that way.

- Why not?

- Because it's rude.

- Oh, blow it out your ass.

- Let's go. Come on, girls.

- Good idea.

It's the first good idea you've had

since you've been here.

And don't steal any of our stuff.

- Ha! What stuff is there to steal?

- We got stuff!

- You're a louse.

- Well, go find yourself a spin cycle.

Yeah, go find yourself a spin cycle.

- What does that mean?

- Never mind.

- Dad?

- Yes, Ben.

Does this mean we won't get

a present from Uncle Roman?

Rate this script:2.5 / 2 votes