The Great Outdoors Page #6

Blow it out your ass.

Nobody's blowing anything

out their ass.

It's just a little problem, it doesn't mean

we don't love your uncle and aunt,

it just means

we are having some emotions.

What it means is that I'd like

to blow Uncle Roman out my ass.

I don't want any more about

anyone blowing anything out their ass.

You might as well

blow the whole family out your ass, Dad.

Do you understand what's going on?

You understand what we're saying?

Aunt Kate and Uncle Roman

are buttheads.

Exactly.

All right, troops, mount up.

We're ready to roll.

- You all packed?

- Actually, I was thinking things over.

And I'm gonna tell you something

I had previously decided not to.

I came up here for a reason.

I came here to talk to you

about an investment.

In fact, I came up to solicit

$25,000 from you.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Look, a unique investment opportunity

came my way

and I'm thinking of people

that I'm gonna bless with this chance

cos this is so good it should be illegal.

- And it probably is.

- It's not.

It's inside but it's not illegal.

The upside is phenomenal,

the downside is zip.

I'm thinking about who I could involve

in this and your name came up.

Why? Because you are family.

If a guy can't help his family,

what good is he?

I came up here to offer you a chance

to make some big money.

It's funny you didn't mention this before.

- You didn't want to talk about money.

- Baloney!

I was picking my moment.

You were picking your nose.

There's no mystery here, Chet.

- I know how you really feel about me.

- Do you?

Yep.

I knew if I gave you something,

you'd figure there'd be strings.

- Is that a fact?

- Yeah, that's a fact.

At our wedding...

you were in the john, with Kate

and Connie's dad, you were talking.

Do you happen to remember

the substance of that conversation?

- No, I don't.

- Well, I do.

It's one I'll never forget

because I heard you say, and I quote,

"That Roman Craig

is a crooked son of a b*tch."

The next time you stab somebody in

the back, check under the stalls for feet.

You may think I'm made out of armor

but I'm just like any other human being

and when I get cut it hurts

and that cut me.

And I hurt.

Roman, I'm...

I'm sorry, I...

I had a lot to drink that night and, er...

I really don't remember saying that

but if you said I did...

then...

I must have.

I apologize to you both.

It was a terrible thing to say.

I don't hold grudges

and I don't have any hard feelings.

To show you I can forgive and forget,

I'd still like to offer you

a piece of that investment.

Sweetie.

I don't know what to say, Roman, I...

I feel like a real idiot.

- What is this thing?

- 25,000. What's your cash position?

It isn't 25,000,

that's an awful lot of money.

Can you get it?

No!

I, er... I think I can make an arrangement

or two at the bank on Monday.

Look, whatever you want to do.

You can write a cheque now

and I'll make up the difference.

If that's OK?

Is your chequebook in the purse?

- Yeah.

- Great. Then that's fine.

- Bye.

- Goodbye.

I think it's a real testament

to the strength of the family

that we can disagree so vehemently

and get on each other's nerves so badly

over the past week

and still part on good terms.

Absolutely.

After all the disagreements you two had,

you still thought to include him

in that investment.

It was a wonderful moment of trust on

his part that he wrote you that cheque.

That's a lot of money for him. From what

I gather, it's half a year's salary.

It may well be

Ben and Buck's college money.

You have a knack with money and I think

it's great you're sharing it with him

and that he accepted your offer,

that he trusts you

with his financial wellbeing.

Oh, I hope this investment

really works out for them.

- I got to go back.

- Did you forget something?

- You're scaring me, are you all right?

- I will be once I settle this.

Roman, what are you doing?

- Katie, sit down.

- What?

You'll need to sit down

to hear what I have to say.

- Gee, it's wet.

- Hurry up.

Let's go.

Chet, I'm gonna level with you.

I'm a phony, a fraud, a fake.

From my imitation Bally slip-ons

to our replicated Rolexes.

We're broke. We're bankrupt.

We're busted.

We're busted?

We were living well, right?

Well beyond our means.

I haven't been trading in over two years.

This deal looked good,

I got overextended,

couldn't meet my calls.

I lost my seat on the exchange.

I go to work every morning.

Now I wear a blue runner's jacket

and fetch coffee.

I lost everything.

Did you think

that I wouldn't understand?

Baby, I knew you'd understand

but I also knew you wouldn't let me

put the bite on Connie and Chet.

Look, Roman. You know I'd never

turn my back on family.

I know, that's why I came up here.

That story about you and your brother

in the can at the wedding,

I made it up.

You what? You made it up?

All right, all right. I got it, I got it.

Holy...

Holy jeez.

Whoo.

What happened?

- Power's out.

- Where's the flashlight?

- Chet?

- What happened to the lights?

You kids got the flashlight?

Look at this. $110 for a lighter,

it doesn't even work.

Whoo! Hot!

I haven't seen weather like this for years.

Roman, where are the girls?

Have you seen them?

- Have you seen them?

- No.

Spread out, let's look for them.

They'll be hiding under a bed.

- Come on, it's this way.

- No, it's this way. I remember.

That big hole.

- We'll find them.

- They're gonna be all right.

Don't worry about a thing.

Boys, stay here.

Look after your mother and aunt.

- We'll help you.

- There's too much lightning.

- We're near the cave.

- Here's the fence.

Wait for me.

Cara! Mara!

- Try this way.

- OK.

Thank you.

There we go. There we go.

We find the candles,

then the light comes back on.

I win.

- I found it. I wanna go first.

- No, I wanna. Me!

Hello!

Hello!

- Cara! Mara!

- Girls!

- Cara!

- Mara!

Girls! Cara, Mara!

Cara! Mara!

Help!

Put your light up there.

There.

Girls, is that you?

It's Uncle Chet. Are you all right?

- Help!

- We'll be right down. Go on.

- Not me.

- What?

- I'm claustrophobic. What if I lose it?

- You won't lose it.

- What if I blow it?

- We gotta get some help.

We don't have time. You can do it.

They're your children. Be their father.

For the first time in your life,

be their father.

Come on. Get in there

and help your kids.

Your dad'll be right down.

Daddy's coming.

Let's go. You can do it.

- All right.

- Here we go.

I'm gonna go get a light

and some rope, OK?

All right? Take it easy.

Don't think about tight places

like a submarine or a coffin.

- Come back.

- I'll be back.

No!

Oh. My little sweeties.

Oh, I love you.

Chet! They're all right!

Apollo unicell...

It's dynamite.

Wet, old dynamite.

It's fine. It's fine.

Chet. Chet!

Ripley.

OK, we want to get out of here.

It's cold, it's wet

and you don't want to stay here.

You hang on to Daddy

as tight as you can.

Rate this script:2.5 / 2 votes