The Guardian

1

Hi, Lia.

You want me to

read you a story?

Once upon a time on the

edge of a great forest,

there lived a woodcutter

and his wife.

They were poor and had

barely enough to live on,

but they loved each

other and they loved

their two children,

Hansel and Gretel.

It was a time of

famine in the forest,

and the woodcutter

and his wife could

hardly find food to

fill their own bellies.

Let alone their two children.

They didn't know what to do.

In the end

the woodcutter said,

"We'll have to take the

children into the woods,

"and leave them to

fend for themselves."

While his wife was still

sleeping the next morning,

he took the children out with

him when he went to chop wood.

He said, "Sit and sleep under

this tree while I get to work.

"I'll wake you when

it's time to go home."

But when they

awoke it was dark,

and there was no

sign of their father.

They were alone in the big,

dark forest, all alone.

Now Hansel and Gretel

were very scared.

They ran through the

woods, but everywhere

they'd see the wild

animals were waking.

Then they saw ahead of

them a wonderful house

that looked like a giant tree,

but inside there lived

a wicked witch who killed

children and ate them.

And when the children came

closer the tree began to move.

Scotty, you better

practice that Nintendo,

because when I get

home I'm gonna win.

- No way!

- Yeah!

I'll beat you,

no way, no no no!

Hello, little beauty,

you little beauty!

Bye, baby!

Bye, Diana.

We'll see you Sunday night.

Honey, you're gonna love this.

I forgot my glasses.

Alan!

Alan!

Alan!

The blood of the

child is pure now.

In death it gives you life.

The cycle is complete.

Begin another.

George, call on

Line 27 please, George.

- You expecting snow?

- Oh!

- Phil Sterling, right?

- Yeah.

- Ralph Hess.

- Good to meet you.

Welcome to the

belly of the beast.

Call Mr. Zeller when

you can, Pamela, Mr. zeller.

I'll look at those lists

this afternoon, okay?

Vince,

Line 17, Vince.

Gail, say hello

to Phil Sterling.

Hello.

- How was the flight?

- Terrific.

- First time in LA?

- Yeah.

This is terrific.

Great face.

Nancy Roman,

you have a call on Line 18.

These are all good.

It's unusual to see a

public service campaign

with a sense of humor

and irreverence.

Thank you.

We're doin' a lot

of public service,

and there's no reason

why it shouldn't look

just as good as the rest

of our stuff, you know?

I understand.

Well, at the

agency in Chicago,

it was a hands-on

thing for you.

It's a little

different out here.

We have media planners,

marketing consultants,

creative directors.

Is that gonna be a problem?

I'm happy where I am.

I built a reputation in Chicago,

and we love living there.

Do you want the job?

Yes.

Charming.

I can fix that.

Can we afford this?

We can rent it

for six months.

'Til we find something.

It has potential.

Potential?

We're comin'

from a two bedroom

apartment on the

west side of Chicago.

It's a Ned Runcie

house, did you know that?

- Runcie?

- Yeah, the architect.

You know that room

up there by the kitchen?

Yeah.

It's gonna make

a beautiful den.

Really?

You don't just wanna

have a guest bedroom?

I don't want any guests.

Who do we know anyway?

What, do we think people are

gonna pop in from Chicago?

Oh, I don't know,

you never know,

somebody might

arrive unexpectedly.

One of your relatives?

Yeah, a relative,

you could say.

Only not to visit,

maybe permanently.

Your mother?

No, not my mother.

Smaller than my mother, smaller.

Oh, God, smaller

than your mother.

A rat.

A mouse,

an ant, a germ.

That's close.

Try sperm and you're warm.

Jesus.

Hello?

- Hi.

- Hi.

I'm just tryin' to

fix your door here.

I really meant to do this

before you moved in, but...

I'm Ned Runcie.

Honey, come meet the man

who designed this house!

Oh.

Yeah.

Hi, Ned Runcie.

How you doin'?

Hi, yeah.

You've built, what,

20 houses in the canyon?

Eh. 25.

Who's countin'?

- God, that's amazing.

- Can I get you some coffee?

No, no thanks.

God.

I'm gonna have some.

Look what they did to my floor.

Look at this!

Yeah, I was

wondering about that.

What'd they do, have bike

races in here or something?

God, you know, look,

I can have somebody

come in here

and polish this up,

and sand it up

for you, okay?

No, that's okay,

you don't have to--

No, really,

come on. I wanna--

I cannot tell you how

happy I am to meet you.

I'm an interior designer myself.

Oh yeah?

Do you know his

homes have been

in Architectural Digest, Phil?

Yeah.

This one.

This one was in

Architectural Digest.

- Really?

- Really?

Yes, before

they started having

bike races in the dining room.

Anyway, I just came

by to say hello.

I'm not gonna bother you.

I live right up the street

if you need anything.

I'm on Astral Drive,

it's kind of

a funny house with

a big chimney--

Oh, I think I

know that house.

Skylights, yeah.

Yeah, that, yeah.

What the hell?

I think we just had a five.

Hey, look at this.

Not a crack.

I'm never gonna be human

looking again, you know?

I love you.

Roseanne Barr.

Harder now, harder,

Kate, give it all you got!

Come on, come on,

here comes the head!

Okay! Just breathe,

just breathe!

Okay, push. Come on!

Push, push, push!

Okay, the head is out!

It's a boy!

It's a boy! He looks great!

He looks real good!

He's beautiful.

I'll let you see

him in just a minute.

Okay, he looks real good,

we just gotta suction

him out here, okay?

Hi there.

Honey, he's so pretty.

Think we can

just about make it.

With both of us working, huh?

Yeah, why?

You havin' second thoughts?

No, I want to

work, I just want

to do what's right for Jake.

Hey.

Your folks worked.

Mine did. It's normal.

It's good for him to grow

up knowin' he's gotta work.

Isn't that right, Jake?

I agree, guzzle toes.

And I want to keep my

decorator's license, you know?

But I'm just having such

a good time doing this,

I just don't wanna

miss out on anything.

Well, do this for two years.

Then we'll be solid enough,

you can do what you want.

Okay.

Well, I've looked up

some child care agencies.

I think we oughta try

this one, Guardian Angel.

It's in Santa Monica.

It's your turn.

It was my turn last time.

No, you slept

through my turn.

Let's both sleep

through my turn.

Go!

You know sleep deprivation

is a well-known

form of torture?

Hey, Jakey.

Hey, buddy.

Open up, come on.

Yeah.

I work Mrs. Honez,

Herman Oaks,

three years.

I work Mr. and Mrs. Hansen,

four years in Longa Bee.

- Longa Bee?

- Longa Bee.

- Oh, Long Beach!

- Ah, si, si!

I suppose you'll want to

breastfeed, don't you, Kate?

For the first six months.

- Yeah.

- Hmm.

Six months?

Dr. Klein said that four

months would be plenty.

Well, of course there are

differing opinions these days.

Well, actually,

I've been having

some difficulty, it's

too watery or something.

You like television,

Mrs. Horniman?

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