The Guilt Trip Page #2

- I understand. Yeah.

- Good night.

Good night, honey!

I bought some underwear for you

at the Gap.

Okay-

We can return it

tomorrow if it doesn't fit!

That's pretty gross.

- They know me there!

- Okay.

Can I turn this thing off?

We've been doing

this for two hours.

Just a few more

minutes, okay?

Look how cute he is.

Look, Ma, I'm sorry...

How long do you want

me to film this?

You are the best boy.

The most perfect boy in the world.

Do you know that?

Like Mommy tells

you every night,

if all the little boys

in the world were lined up

and I could only pick one,

I'd pick you every time.

I love you, Andy.

You're my perfect boy.

All right. This will be good for you.

A little adventure.

All right.

This is ridiculous.

Come on, Mom.

Just give it a shot. it could be fun.

Did you just ask if I hiked?

No! I don't hike. Sorry.

Try the skinny one in the corner.

She looks sporty.

Don't talk to me though,

because I'm thinking.

You couldn't even try, Ma?

I mean, you're never going to

meet a man like that.

Dad died when I was

eight years old.

You haven't been on one date

since then. Right?

You know what it

comes down to?

It comes down to

M&M's in bed.

Yeah, because when...

Those years I was with your father,

you know?

I would hide them under

my pillow until he fell asleep

so I could eat them

without being criticized.

And I will never hide

my M&M's again.

It really makes a lot of sense,

-when you put it like that.

-It does.

That's a good reason

to give up on men altogether.

- Listen... You know what?

- Because of candy.

You're one to give

advice, honey?

I mean, why aren't

you with someone?

- You know what it is, Ma?

- What?

I just haven't found a girl

who'll let me eat M&M's

in bed at night.

Stop it!

I mean, seriously, why is that

a legitimate excuse for you

and not for me?

You say the same thing.

Because I've had my marriage.

I've had my family.

I've been to the dance

and now I am tired.

You are skipping the

dance altogether!

Maybe you need therapy.

Yeah. It helps me.

I don't need therapy.

And since when do

you go to therapy?

Anita and I meet

once a week for coffee.

Well, unless you two are meeting

a therapist for coffee,

then you're not going to therapy,

'cause Anita's a librarian.

I'll tell you what we

mostly talk about...

- Yeah?

-...Is why I blame myself

for your deep-seated problems

with women.

Good. You talk to Anita

about my deep-seated

problems with women

that you've imagined. Yeah.

Sometimes I feel like

I ruined it for you.

You know what? I know.

I know you do.

You know why?

Because you set the bar so high

for all other women,

that no one lives up to my mom.

No, it's not that.

It is. I'm going to sleep, Ma. Okay?

No, I... Anita says

I should tell you about

the boy I fell in love with in Florida.

The what?

It's time you know

this about me, Andy.

Know what?

Well, there was this

incident in my life

that I really never told you about.

I went to Florida on vacation.

I was very young,

Okay. Good.

And I met a boy,

and I fell in love with him.

Yeah.

Honestly, Andy, I fell in love

with him kind of instantly.

Okay-

He lived in Manhattan, too.

And so we came back and

we started seeing each other.

He didn't want anything serious,

but I was just caught up with this...

Oh, the passion of it all!

Andy, we were so passionate.

Feel free to skim over those

details as much as you want.

- I won't gross you out.

- Yeah. That's cool.

I mean, he didn't want to be

serious, really, at the time.

But I wanted a family, I wanted a baby.

That's all I ever really wanted.

And so, eventually,

your father came along.

What about the guy from...

You met in Florida?

Well, he became boyfriend number one

and your dad became

boyfriend number two.

- No, honey...

- That's nasty!

It was a trampy year for Mommy.

- Please. Anyway...

- Why are you telling me this?

Your father proposed within,

like, a month, I think.

So I went to the boy and I said,

you know, "I met somebody

and he wants to marry me,"

hoping that he would say,

"Joyce, you cannot do that.

"You cannot marry this guy!"

But he didn't say that.

You know what he actually said?

He said, "You're great."

But he told me to marry your father.

Oh, God.

I was so devastated.

I was so devastated that

I couldn't even see him again.

Well, what happened?

Well...

What happened?

I married your father, we moved,

I got pregnant, and...

When we found out

it was a boy, you know,

I started going through names,

as people do, and...

You want your child to remind you

of someone you love... Loved!

And so...

I named you Andy

after the boy from Florida.

You want more ice cream?

Holy sh*t.

Andy! Please.

Enough with the language, okay?

Did... Did Dad know about this?

Now, that is not something

that you share

with your husband. You know?

Holy sh*t!

What is wrong with you?

That is enough

with the street talk, okay?

Ma, I...

I need you to be honest with me, okay?

Yes, I will.

Is he my father?

No, honey. No, he's not your father.

No, no.

It was two years later when I had you.

His last name is Margolis.

Andy Margolis.

From J&R Advertising.

Isn't it funny how I remember that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

J&R.

Hi. I'm trying to track down someone

who used to work

in your New York office.

Probably many years ago.

The name is Andy, or...

Andrew Margolis?

Hold on, please.

Okay, I see that Andrew Margolis

is in our San Francisco offices.

Okay. Great! How long ago

did he work there?

No, sir. Mr. Margolis

is an Executive V.P.

in our San Francisco office currently.

Really?

Would you like to be connected?

Okay!

Andrew Margolis's office.

Seriously? No sh*t.

Is... Is Andrew in, please?

Mr. Margolis is in Europe

until next Monday.

This is Becky.

Hi, Becky.

I'm a very old friend of Andrew's.

We were in Nam together?

Just backpacking though.

And I thought it would be great

to see him again.

So I guess he finally took the wife

on that trip to Europe

she's always wanted, huh?

Mr. Margolis isn't married, sir.

ls there a specific message

you'd like to leave?

No! No. So he gets back next Monday.

Yes, he does.

- Okay. Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Holy sh*t.

I made eggs just the way you like them,

and I used turkey bacon,

which was on sale,

but I know it's still good.

I'm always concerned

for your health, right?

You know,

I was up all night last night,

because I was thinking

about your problems, Andy.

Jessica was your first

serious relationship.

So let's start with her.

I remember when you broke up,

but I can't remember why.

Do you remember?

Okay! We'll skip Jessica for now.

What do you think

we should do today, honey?

You know what? You have to remind me

to get Tylenol later,

'cause I'm running low.

And I also told Gayle

that I would pick some up for her.

Did I remember to call Gayle back?

I don't know what's happening to me.

I'm getting forgetful.

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