The Guilt Trip Page #3

You want to come

on the trip with me, Mom?

My road trip, that I'm going on. I...

It's long,

and I thought maybe

I could use some company

in the form of you.

You want to drive cross-country

in a car with me?

Yeah!

No, it's... You know,

we won't be gone long.

It's only eight days in a car together,

and then I got to be in San Francisco.

My last meeting's in San Francisco now.

What happened to Vegas?

I got a new meeting last night

in San Francisco, so...

Yeah! What do you say?

If this is you worrying about me, Andy,

you don't have to

because Mommy's fine.

That's not at all what it is, Ma.

What?

I've had such a good time

hanging out with you

these last few days,

I thought it would be fun

to hang out even more

and spend time with you.

Wait a minute.

I want to make sure that

I'm hearing this correctly.

You want to spend a week

in a car with your mother.

Is that what I heard?

More than anything in the world.

Don't you think I would drive you crazy?

Don't you think I might get

on your nerves a little bit?

No, you know what?

It was just a thought and

if you don't want to do it, then fine.

I don't want to push you...

What? What? Am I so awful

that you can't spend

a little time in a car with me?

Jesus Christ, Ma,

how did you turn this around?

I just invited you to... I'm inviting you!

Do you want to drive

across the country with me?

Well, I might have to reroute my mail.

Okay!

I'd have to miss my book club.

Ma, you have five seconds to tell me

whether you want to go or not.

And then I'm revoking my offer, okay?

- Are you coming?

- Okay. One, two...

I can't wait! What, are you kidding me?

- Honey! That is so exciting!

- Okay, great! Good! I am!

- Tate/eh! My boy, my boy!

- Okay... You really are.

The sweetest...

- Look at this! I love you!

- Okay, okay, easy.

Oh, my God! I can't believe...

I have to call Gayle!

Oh, my God!

I'll have to retouch

my roots though before I go.

What am I gonna pack?

You've got to fill me in

on all the weather conditions

in all the states

that we're gonna go through.

Okay, it's fine. I got it.

It's fine. I got it.

Are you sure you didn't forget anything?

God, I don't know if

I forgot something.

I don't think that's possible.

I may be getting a hernia.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah. I'll put that here.

Good, there's not

too many people here.

Honey, make sure to ask

if they have any kind of deal.

Okay. I will do that.

Hi, I'm Mark. I'll be assisting you.

Do you have a reservation?

I do. Last name is Brewster.

Brewster. Okay.

There it is. I just need a

valid license and credit card.

- Ask him.

- Okay, I will. Please relax.

Please calm down, Mom!

Sorry, but I just want

to confirm I got an SUV

with a GPS system in it?

I have you in a Dodge Durango,

GPS included,

returning in San Francisco.

- Great.

- Do you really need an SUV?

The gas'll cost more than the car.

So that comes out to $112 a day.

Wait, wait, wait! I got a coupon.

Good. Yeah. That works.

It takes 15% off, so...

It brings your new total to $940.

Excuse me one second.

- Way to go! Yeah.

- That was very exciting.

- I was going to ask.

- Really.

- Yes!

- I thought you forgot.

You thought in the two seconds

since you reminded me...

Anyway! Anyway, nowadays

small cars are fine in the snow.

They probably have that GPS thing.

They don't. Okay?

Only big cars have GPS.

Actually, our GPS systems

are separate.

You can rent them with any car.

And our economy cars

handle quite well in the snow.

- Thank you, Mark.

- You're welcome.

So we'll just go by the circus,

drop off our clowns...

Andy, stop it! It's adorable.

You sure you don't mind driving, Ma?

No, honey.

You work on your presentation.

I got my Book on Tape.

What are you doing, Ma?

Trying to find my Book on Tape.

Okay. Just keep your eyes

on the road, for God sakes!

- Here it is.

- Okay, okay!

It's called Middlesex.

This tape is excellent.

It's about a hermaphrodite.

You know, a boy and a girl?

Two different parts in one person?

I... Yes, I know that.

It was in Oprah's Book Club once.

Say no more!

You'll like this.

I love spoons.

You know what? That's enough

Middlesex for now, I think.

That's good. Yeah, we're...

So, what's the plan,

my little co-captain?

Well, I got three meetings today,

and then I got a few in Virginia,

and the last one is in Roanoke.

Roanoke!

Then Texas is next. Costco. That's...

That's a big one,

so if we want to get there in time,

we gotta be in Tennessee by Tuesday.

You know who lives

in Tennessee, right?

Yes, I do. So after that...

Jessica in Nashville.

I know.

You know, I ran into

her mother recently.

She says it's lovely there!

I'm sure it is. So...

You know,

I spoke to Anita this morning.

Anita says that it would be good for you

to get some closure

with that relationship.

So if we have time,

we should meet up with her.

From Texas, we head to Santa Fe,

where I have one more pitch,

then Vegas.

A morn and her baby boy in Vegas.

Sounds like fun!

That's their new slogan,

I think, for tourism.

"A mom and her baby boy

in Vegas." Yeah.

You know, I can't stop thinking about...

What, honey?

About that story you told me

the other night, honestly.

About Andy Margolis.

I mean, tell me more about him.

What was it...

What was it about him

that you liked so much?

I don't know.

Broad shoulders, you know.

Oops! Sorry.

Okay, what else?

Anything less physically based?

I was cross-eyed when I was a little girl.

I told you that, right?

What does this have to do

with what I asked you?

Well, one day I meet this boy,

out of nowhere.

Andy Margolis.

We went out on this first date.

We were dancing,

and he told me that I was beautiful.

He was the first person

to ever tell me that.

Don't you ever wonder, like, where he is,

what happened to him?

A little bit?

It's in the past, Andy. It's in the past.

I could probably

find him if you really wanted.

Don't you dare!

He's probably fat

and obnoxious by now.

Maybe he's just fat.

What are you doing? No, no!

Don't move their stuff around!

What are you doing?

Just put it on the floor.

No, I don't put things on the floor.

The floor is dirty.

The floor is too dirty for your purse?

You've been using that tissue in there

for the last three days.

Well, there's always a clean side.

But it's true.

You keep shoving it back in there.

I know, but I don't do things like that.

And anyway I forgot, I got my gizmo.

Purse hook.

Of course.

What are you...

What?

You did something to me. What is that?

Just pick it up. Push it back.

- No. It's fine.

- Show your face.

- Ma, my hair looks fine.

- Okay, okay.

Is it weird?

- No, it's nice now.

- Did you make it look weirder?

Thank you.

Honey, I know you're nervous,

but your show is gonna be great.

It's a pitch. It's a...

It's called a pitch, Mom.

Whatever it's called.

It's going to be great, I can feel it.

I'm glad.

Okay-

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