The Hangover Page #3

THE DEAN MARTIN SUITE

THE CAMERA follows a LIVE CHICKEN as it walks through the totalled suite.

Furniture is broken, the minibar ransacked, and the floor is covered with remnants of the night before: empty beer cans, platefuls of room service food, a cowboy hat, the Gideon Bible, half-eaten skinless mangos, a bra, a battle axe, etc.

SNORING on the couch, wearing only his jeans and one shoe, the word A**HOLE written in Sharpie across his chest, is Stu.

TITLE CARD:
“SATURDAY, 11:15AM”

The chicken struts across the top of the couch, until it reaches a plastic coin cup from Bellagio blocking its path. Beat. Then the chicken pecks it off...onto Stu.

The cup hits Stu in the face, and stale beer splashes all over him. Stu spastically jerks awake and flips off the couch, onto a pile of newspapers.

PILE OF NEWSPAPERS OWW! Get off! Get off! Jesus!

Confused, Stu clambers off the pile of newspapers -- to find Vick sleeping underneath, on the floor, fully dressed. Vick pulls himself onto the couch, clearly in pain.

VICK:

Damn, dude, why are you retarded?

Both men are ragingly hungover.

A long beat as both of them rub their faces, then:

14.

VICK (CONT'D) STU

VICK:

Um, Stuey?

Yo.

Why do you have a mullet?

Stu does, in fact, have a mullet haircut. But he’s too hungover to understand.

STU What?

VICK:

You know, business on top, party

down the back?

Stu still looks confused. This is excruciating for Vick.

VICK (CONT'D)

Your hair, dude. You have a mullet.

Stu touches his hair. Then he stumbles into the bathroom. After a beat, we hear his voice:

STU (O.S.) Dude...I have a mullet.

Then we hear ALAN’S VOICE in the bathroom, groggy:

ALAN (O.S.)

Just give me ten more minutes, Beck...

STU (O.S.)

Whoa, did you sleep in the tub?

Beat, then Stu pokes his head out of the bathroom.

STU (CONT'D)

Check it out:
Alan slept in the

tub.

VICK:

Get him up. I’m hungry.

Stu disappears back into the bathroom. We hear the SHOWER turn on. Beat. Then we hear Alan slowly awaken:

ALAN (O.S.)

Wet. Water. Jesus, what’s--?!

There’s a THUD as Alan falls out of tub. Beat.

Then Stu and a very confused, very hungover, very wet Alan stumble out of the bathroom.

Alan appears to be wearing his polo shirt from the night before. Only, as we PULL BACK, we see that his shirt is cut off at his chest -- he’s naked from there down.

VICK:

Jesus, dude, put away your sack.

Alan looks down at his hairy nakedness, totally bewildered.

15.

STU:

Yeah, and it might be time for some

manscaping, bro. Your bush looks like Yanni.

Alan looks back up again, squinting, hungover.

ALAN:

What did we do last night?

INT. HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER

CUT TO:

The guys, now dressed, stagger out of their suite moments later. Stu walks incredibly bow-legged, like an aging cowboy.

STU:

Dude, why is my ass killing me...?

INT. ELEVATOR -- MOMENTS LATER

Looking like crap, the guys silently descend in the elevator.

BING! The elevator opens to expose a NICE-LOOKING COUPLE waiting to get on. They see the guys and immediately step away from the elevator.

MAN:

We’ll...we’ll get the next one.

The doors close. The guys continue to descend. Beat.

16.

VICK:

We might not smell very good.

The guys shake their heads, yeah, no.

INT. MANDALAY BAY -- BREAKFAST BUFFET -- DAY

DISSOLVE TO:

The guys slouch in a booth, shoveling masses of buffet food into their mouths, washing it down with huge mugs of coffee.

STU:

This might be the worst hangover

anyone has ever had, ever.

ALAN:

I can’t taste anything.

VICK:

Please stop talking. If I don’t

focus on eating I’m going to throw up all over myself.

The guys nod, right. They keep eating. After a long while:

ALAN:

Hey... Are we missing something?

The guys all slowly look around. Then Stu points at Alan:

STU:

Yes:
I left my hat in the room --

thank you, Alan.

They continue eating. Alan looks up again, still troubled.

ALAN:

No. That’s not it... There’s

something else...

Vick nods at Stu as he stuffs food in his mouth.

VICK:

You gonna finish that cruller?

Stu shakes his head, no. Vick takes it, packs it into his already stuffed mouth. Then Alan realizes:

ALAN:

Doug. Guys, where’s Doug?

The guys look around. Hunh.

STU:

Yeah. He’s not here.

VICK:

Probably left him in the room.

Vick pulls out his cell phone, starts dialing.

VICK (CONT'D) I’ll call his cell.

Then a phone RINGS in Stu’s pocket. He answers:

STU:

Good morning, this is Stu?

VICK It’s me, meatdick.

17.

STU:

(to Alan, concerned)

It’s Vick-- Then Stu realizes. Oh.

STU (CONT'D) This is Doug’s phone.

Vick nods, ya. He’s already dialing another ALAN

You calling the room?

Vick nods, uh-huh. He lets it ring, rubbing he hangs up.

VICK No answer.

Vick goes back to eating. Alan frowns.

ALAN:

Ummm...shouldn’t we look for him?

Check-out is in like ten minutes.

STU:

Yeah, and we told Tracy we’d have

number.

his temples. Then

Doug back to LA by five.

Vick just looks at both of them, his mouth full of food:

VICK I’m eabing.

ALAN:

What an a**hole. Stu, check the

pool and the casino, I’ll check the room and the gym. Maybe he’s working out or something...

Stu nods, and they slowly slide out of the booth.

ALAN (CONT'D)

And Vick, if you could keep a close

eye on the buffet, that’d be really helpful. Thanks, man.

Alan and Stu saunter off. Vick yells after them, mouth full:

VICK:

HE’S FIME! YOU’RE OBERWEACTING!

18.

Vick scowls, and angrily takes Alan’s last cruller.

CUT TO:

INT. DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- MOMENTS LATER

Alan weaves through the totalled suite, half-awake.

ALAN:

Doug...? Doug...? Wake up, man.

Alan enters the bedroom where Doug slept, and stops. It takes him a second to realize what’s wrong:

THE BED IS MISSING

There are four indentations on the carpet where it once lay. Alan scratches his head.

ALAN That’s weird...

EXT. MANDALAY BAY -- POOL -- DAY

CUT TO:

Stu, walking bow-legged, squinting painfully in the bright sun, tries to inspect everyone lying around the huge pool. Doug? Doug? Several HOT WOMEN in bikinis sit up, disgusted!

STU:

No, no. It’s cool, I’m a dad. It’s

totally cool...

INT. GYM -- DAY

CUT TO:

Alan stumbles through the gym, looking for Doug. The place is packed with fit people, working out. Alan mumbles to himself:

ALAN:

I hate you all...

INT. CASINO FLOOR -- NICKEL SLOTS

Stu wanders through the casino, calling out, incredibly loud:

STU DOUG! DOUG!

Two GAY MEN in identical tank tops pass by, holding hands.

CUT TO:

19.

GAY MAN Hey Stu.

STU:

Hey guys. DOUG! DOUG--!

Then Stu registers what just happened. He stops and turns around -- enh? -- but the gay men are gone.

Before he can comment, however, he sees Vick and Alan talking to Atashir at

THE RECEPTION DESK

He slowly bow-legs himself over.

STU You find Doug?

ALAN:

No, I assume you didn’t either?

Stu shakes his head, no. Then Atashir hangs up his phone.

ATASHIR:

There is no Doug Billings at any of

the area hospitals, morgues, or police stations.

The guys frown, starting to grow worried.

STU:

Maybe he went for a jog?

ALAN:

Dude. It’s 120 degrees outside.

STU Or shopping?

The guys just look at him like: you’re an idiot.

ALAN:

Great. So we’ve officially lost

Doug. His wedding is in what, 22 hours?

VICK:

Relax, it’s Doug, he’s probably

crashed out on someone’s couch right now. All we have to do is retrace our steps from last night, and we’ll find him.

20.

ALAN:

Okay, so last night...

The guys wince, trying to remember. It’s painful to think.

VICK:

Well, we started on the roof...

ALAN:

Right, that was like, 6ish...?

VICK:

Then...I think...we had steaks at

the Palm?

ALAN:

Yeah. Then...we played craps at the

Hard Rock...maybe?

VICK:

That sounds right...

Stu throws up his arms, already giving up.

STU:

Okay, honestly? I don’t even

remember going to dinner.

VICK:

I vaguely recall...doing body shots

....at some point? Is that...maybe?

ALAN:

I’m pretty much blank after The

Hard Rock.

VICK:

I think we went to the Flamingo

after that...? And then, I just remember a lot of blue light...and the overpowering smell of baby oil.

ALAN:

So that was what, 10ish?

VICK Give or take.

STU:

Was Doug still with us?

Vick rubs his temples, trying to fight through the hangover.

21.

VICK:

Yes. Yes. Doug was with us. I

tackled him...for some reason. The guys nod, okay, okay.

ALAN:

Okay. So we only have a 13 hour

window where we could’ve lost him.

They guys frown. Sh*t. Stu puts his hands into his pockets, thinking... Then he feels something. A matchbook.

He pulls it out. It’s from The Flamingo Nightclub. STU

Hey! Look, we were at the Flamingo. A long beat of silence...

Then the guys hurry to an empty BLACKJACK TABLE and start emptying their pockets of the detritus from the night before. They find matchbooks, receipts, room keys, a valet ticket...

ALAN:

ATM receipt from the Rio at 10:37--

(reading it) For 600 dollars?!

VICK:

The valet ticket says we returned

here at 4:
57AM.

STU:

We drove last night?

The guys wince, jesus...

ALAN:

Here’s a receipt from Sbarro. The

meal was comped for some reason--

VICK:

Why do we have a matchbook from The

Golden Pony All Male Revue? The guys exchange a look, alarmed.

ALAN:

Someone could’ve given that to us.

22.

STU (laughing, nervous)

Yeah, totally! There’s no way we went there! We’re not gay! Hahaha!

They frown, then stare at all the clues lined up on the blackjack table.

ALAN:

I think we should call Tracy.

VICK Absolutely not.

ALAN:

What if Doug called her? She might

know where he is.

Stu shifts uncomfortably, tenderly adjusting his ass.

STU:

Yeah, I’m with Alan on this one.

VICK:

Of course you’re with Alan, you’re

both gutless cowards. But we’re not calling Tracy. You never call the bride from the bachelor party.

Ever. If my balls were on fire and Tracy was sitting next door with a tall glass of water, I still wouldn’t call her. It’s a rule.

ALAN:

But shouldn’t we at least tell her

we’re gonna be getting home late?

VICK:

She has a watch, she’ll figure it

out.

ALAN:

I think I’m beginning to see why

you’re always single.

VICK:

And I think I’m beginning to see

why you’re always a douche--

STU (clutching his ass)

Guys, wait. I need your help -- oh my God -- like right now. Come on.

23.

ALAN Jesus, what is it?

INT. BATHROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

CUT TO:

Vick and Alan unhappily stand in the lavish, gold-ensconsed men’s room, watching Stu painfully undo his jeans.

VICK:

I can’t believe we’re doing this.

STU:

You don’t have to look up my butt,

just at it. Something is terribly, terribly wrong...

Stu’s jeans fall to the ground -- and everyone freezes.

He’s wearing a snug FLUORESCENT PINK G-STRING with “I ROGER” written vertically down the front. In glitter.

ALAN:

Sweet mother of mercy...

VICK Who’s Roger?

STU:

I-I-I don’t know?! What do you

think it means?!

VICK:

What do I think it means? Well,

Stuart, your ass is all torn up and you’re wearing thong underwear declaring your love for another dude -- I don’t think we need the CSI team for this one! You got reamed last night, man!

Stu covers his mouth, horrified!

ALAN:

I’m sure there’s a perfectly

logical explanation for this...

STU Really?! What?!

Alan tries to think of one.

24.

ALAN:

Yeah, maybe there isn’t.

VICK:

Look, I’m sure Roger is a very

nice, considerate young man-- STU

Oh my God, guys:
what if I’m gay?!

VICK:

Come on, Stu, you’re nowhere near

cool enough.

STU:

(gasping, realizing)

I do watch Dancing With The Stars with the kids!

ALAN:

Oh god, that doesn’t mean you’re

gay.

VICK:

But sort of...it does?

Stu grows increasingly frantic.

STU:

And once, I caught myself gazing at

a topless photo of David Beckham!

ALAN:

So what, he’s a great-looking dude--

STU:

And then I had those weird feelings

for Vick that time in middle school, remember?!

Everyone stops. Vick most of all.

VICK Um, what?

STU:

Yeah, that weekend we were all

camping -- I told you this.

VICK Yeah, no you didn’t.

STU I didn’t?

25.

VICK:

I think I’d remember, dude.

ALAN:

Yeah, I think we’d all remember.

STU:

Yeah. I had weird feelings for you

that weekend. Like really hot, really gay feelings. But then they went away.

Vick is just looking at him, stunned.

ALAN:

Wait -- I was there that weekend.

Did you have gay feelings for me?

VICK Unbelievable.

ALAN What?! I was a

VICK Please, you’re

STU Wait, what?

good-looking kid! so not his type!

Just then, a FATHER and his YOUNG SON enter the men’s room and see Stu standing there, pants down, in his G string...

VICK:

Look, Stu, one homosexual

experience doesn’t mean you’re permanently gay, okay? A lot of guys test the waters.

...the FATHER and SON wheel right back around and exit.

ALAN:

All right, we’re scaring the

children. Let’s go.

The guys head for the door. Stu quickly pulls up his pants.

STU:

Wait -- so have either of you

tested the waters?

VICK:

No! We’re not gay!

26.

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes