The Hangover Page #5

STU Really?

ALAN:

Yeah, there’s no bed in Doug’s

room.

STU (frowning)

Oh. Well, I’m sure we had a good reason for doing it.

(beat)

You think they’ll charge us for--?

ALAN:

Yeah, Stu, I really do.

VICK:

Guys, relax. Everything’s gonna be

cool...

Just then the Valet drives up in

VICK’S DESTROYED CADILLAC

The exterior is scratched and filthy, like it’s been off- roading. The hubcaps are gone, as is the front passenger side door. A wisp of STEAM trails up from under the hood.

The guys just stand there, agape.

STU You okay, Vick?

VICK:

I’m not emotionally prepared to

talk about it just yet, Stuart, but thank you.

Vick dons his sunglasses and heads for his destroyed car... DISSOLVE TO:

THE GUYS ROLLING DOWN THE STRIP

in their ridiculous car. Cars full of FAMILIES, cute GIRLS, even NUNS, point and stare. Our guys just face forward, each quietly suffering in their own personal Hell.

ALAN:

Seriously:
what am I gonna tell

Becky? For 14 years she’s been begging me to get married...

29.

VICK:

Well, now you did. Just not to her.

Alan glowers at the city going by... Then he sits up--

ALAN:

Wait, is that homeless guy wearing

Doug’s shirt?

The guys turn to see a HOMELESS GUY weaving down the sidewalk in Doug’s DISTINCTIVE ORANGE SHIRT from the night before.

Once they pass, the guys exchange a look.

STU Naaah.

VICK:

Yeah, that was a different shirt.

Alan doesn’t look so sure. They drive in silence. Then:

Left turn.

VICK (CONT'D)

Stu, sitting shotgun, braces against the empty doorframe so as not to fall out of the car as they turn left...

EXT. NOW & FOREVER WEDDING CHAPEL -- DAY

Sitting in an East Vegas strip mall, sandwiched between a laundromat and a pawn shop, is the pink Now & Forever Wedding Chapel. The Cadillac parks in the lot out front.

INT. NOW & FOREVER WEDDING CHAPEL -- DAY

Everything in the small, tacky wedding chapel is white plastic. White plastic plants, white plastic cross, white plastic chairs. The guys enter.

ALAN:

What if they don’t remember us--?

AAAAYYYYY!

VOICE BEHIND THEM

The guys turn to find the hirsute owner of the chapel, STEVE GIANOPOLUS, 40’s, in a tight white suit, his arms spread wide. Steve is all Vegas, by way of Long Island.

STEVE:

How are you, you dumb bastards?!

30.

31. He warmly hugs the guys. They have zero memory of him, and it

shows as they hug back weakly, unfamiliar...

STEVE (CONT’D)

CARLA, GET YOUR FAT ASS OUT HERE!

ALAN AND THE BOYS ARE HERE! (to the guys)

You here to pick up your wedding photos?!

Alan starts to decline, when--

VICK:

Does the pope wear a funny hat?!

Let’s do this thing!

Steve CACKLES and guides them over to a table; Alan scowls.

STEVE:

And where is Chastity today?

They all sit on white plastic chairs.

ALAN W-Who’s...Chastity?

STEVE (laughing)

Your wife, man--! AWW, you’re just breaking my balls!

Alan looks ill. Laughing, Steve retrieves a folder and starts laying out a series of WEDDING PHOTOS on the table. Vick eagerly peruses them, enjoying this.

VICK:

Uh, it was such a lovely ceremony,

wasn’t it?

STEVE:

Hand to God, I’ve never seen two

people more in love!

VICK:

Sadly, I believe you...

The guys look at the photos of Alan’s wedding from the night before. They’re typical wedding shots, only the guys are all wearing MEDIEVAL COSTUMES, swords, bows, tights, even armor. They look incredibly happy -- and incredibly drunk.

The next photo is of Alan and his BUSTY BLONDE BRIDE. She’s having a blast in a white medieval gown and tiara.

VICK (CONT'D) Hello, Chastity...

Alan just closes his eyes, oh God. ALAN

I am never...ever...drinking again.

STU:

Jesus, she is stacked.

VICK:

Stu, please, show some class.

That’s Alan’s wife you’re talking about.

STU:

(to Alan, guilty)

Sorry. She looks really nice.

But Alan is too busy gaping at the next photo, of him and Chastity atop a UNICORN in the chapel. (It is, of course, a rented pony with a lame horn strapped to its head.)

ALAN:

We got a unicorn?!

STEVE:

Oh, yeah, you got the entire Double

Camelot Package.

Alan just rubs his temples, oh no.

ALAN:

A-And how much did that cost?

STEVE:

7 thousand dollars.

Alan closes his eyes. Stu and Vick exchange a look, no way!

STEVE (CONT’D)

Yeah, you didn’t want to get it,

either, but Vick insisted.

Beat. Then Alan pounces across the table at Vick!

ALAN:

I’m gonna kill you!

VICK (fending him off)

You can’t put a pricetag on love, Alan! OW! You just can’t!

32.

Stu hops up and starts pulling Alan off of Vick.

VOICE BEHIND THEM STOP FIGHTING IMMEDIATELY!

The guys straighten like schoolboys as Steve’s wife CARLA, 40’s, enters. She’s wearing a toga, smoking a menthol, and dollying in several large CARDBOARD BOXES. Then she grins:

CARLA:

Ahhh! I’m just busting your nuts!

She lowers the dolly and hurries over for hugs.

CARLA (CONT'D)

Good to see you, you stupid mooks!

Stu and Alan force smiles, no idea who this woman is. Vick, on the other hand, steps forward and hugs her tightly.

VICK:

It’s good to be seen, Carla. It’s

good to be seen.

CARLA:

I brought the rest of your package.

Carla begins unloading things from the cardboard boxes.

CARLA (CONT'D)

First:
Two dozen commuter mugs...

She unpacks 24 COMMUTER MUGS with Alan and Chastity’s photo emblazoned on them. Alan winces, oh god. Stu grabs one:

STU:

No way! Awesome!

STEVE:

A hundred DVDs of the ceremony...

She lays out the stacks of DVDs. Vick nods at Alan:

VICK:

For you and Chastity to watch on

your anniversary...

Alan just clenches his jaw, I f***ing hate you.

CARLA:

The velvet wall hanging...

She pulls out a six foot air-brushed velvet WALL HANGING of Alan and Chastity riding the unicorn together in outer space.

33.

VICK:

And it looks like real velvet,

Alan, so no machine wash, okay?

CARLA:

And the big finish:

Vick and Stu do a DRUMROLL on the table, excited...

Then Carla pulls out a FOUR FOOT BRONZE SHIELD with a bas- relief of Alan and Chastity MAKING OUT on it. Alan just closes his eyes.

STU HOLY CRAP!

VICK:

DUDE, YOU HAVE A SHIELD!

STU:

I want a shield!

VICK:

Me too! Hey, can Stu and I get a

shield?

ALAN:

I don’t suppose you have any sort

of return policy, do you?

STEVE:

Um...if you know another couple who

looks exactly like you guys, and who want two dozen commuter mugs, a wall hanging, and a shield...sure.

Alan scowls. Then his cellphone RINGS. He angrily answers it without looking at the Caller ID.

ALAN What.

We hear someone YELLING AT HIM. Alan’s eyes bulge.

ALAN (CONT'D) Oh, hey Becky! Hi!

He steps away to take the call. Vick explains to Carla:

VICK:

That’s his girlfriend of 14 years.

I’m sure this’ll only take a minute...

34.

35. Vick and Stu go back to looking at the wedding photos as Alan

tries to talk to his furious girlfriend.

INTERCUT WITH:

BECKY:

in her Laura Ashley bedroom, angrily packing up her suitcase. She’s beautiful and preppy in pearls and a sweater set.

BECKY:

Can you tell me why all the goddamn

credit cards are maxed out?!

ALAN:

No! I-I have no idea--!

Then Vick calls over from the white plastic table, pissed:

VICK:

HEY ALAN, HOW COME I WASN’T YOUR

BEST MAN, DUDE!

STU:

YEAH, WHAT THE HELL, ME EITHER!

WHY’D YOU PICK DOUG?!

Alan waves at them, shut the hell up! But Becky has heard.

BECKY:

“Your best man?!” What’s going on

there, Alan?!

ALAN:

Nothing! Baby, nothing, the GUYS

ARE JUST BEING D*CKS!

VICK:

HEY ALAN, YOU WANT ALL YOUR WALLET-

SIZED WEDDING PHOTOS, OR CAN I BOGART A FEW?!

Alan furiously flips them off, shut up!

BECKY:

I really don’t appreciate being

mocked right now, Alan, especially about wedding-related issues. You know how hard this weekend is going to be for me.

ALAN:

I know, baby! I know--

BECKY:

So you’ll call the credit card

company and straighten this out?

ALAN:

Yes. I will. I promise.

BECKY Okay. Okay...

(beat, calming)

Look, sorry I’m so tense... I’ll see you soon, okay? Love you.

But Alan is just staring at the BRONZE SHIELD of him making out with his blonde bombshell wife...

BECKY (CONT'D)

Alan? Hello? I said I love you?!

ALAN:

Yes, no, I love you too!

Becky hangs up, rolling her eyes, unbelievable. STAY WITH ALAN as he closes his cellphone. Exhales.

STU:

Hey, how’s Becky doing, man?!

VICK:

Yeah, did she ask about us?!

Off of Alan’s hate-filled glare, we

CUT TO:
STEVE AND THE GUYS SCHLEPPING ALL OF THE WEDDING CRAP

through the strip mall parking lot, back to their car. Alan sullenly carries the GIANT BRONZE SHIELD.

STU:

Look on the bright side, Alan. Vick

found a great clue.

VICK:

Turns out Doug was in all the

wedding photos, which means -- if the time stamp was right -- we had him in our possession until 11 pm.

36.

STU:

That’s another hour of last night

that we can account for. Isn’t that great?

ALAN:

(bitterly sarcastic)

Amazing.

VICK:

Hey, Steve, you don’t happen to

know where we were heading when we left here last night, do you?

STEVE:

Well, the Double Camelot Package

comes with a five course wedding feast, so I assume you went there.

STU:

Great -- where was the feast?

STEVE:

Sbarro, over in the Fremont mall.

ALAN (V.O.)

I paid 7 grand for Sbarro?!

INT. VICK’S CAR -- MOMENTS LATER

CUT TO:

The beatup Caddy is packed with wedding crap. Vick is busy trying to reverse the overloaded car out of the parking spot. Stu’s in the backseat with the huge shield, while Alan seethes up front.

VICK:

Your negativity is like a little

black cloud over our car, Alan. You’ve got to let go of this.

ALAN:

Let go of what, exactly, Vick?! The

fact that I married a complete

stranger last night? Or that my girlfriend’s about to leave me? Or that I’m broke? Which one?!

VICK:

You’re broke? I thought you were

loaded--

37.

ALAN:

I know you think it’s like

terminally uncool to be in a committed relationship, Vick, but I actually love Becky, okay?

(sincere)

I-I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her...I really don’t...

Alan looks off, lost, sick. Vick stops the car short.

VICK:

Alan. Honey. Have you considered,

even for a second, that maybe the things we do when we’re drunk are what we secretly want to do?

ALAN:

(dripping with sarcasm)

Yeah, no, you’re absolutely right, Vick, I’ve always secretly wanted to marry a bottle blonde with big fake melon tits named Chastity!

STU:

I ain’t mad atcha, dude...

VICK:

Or, after 14 years, maybe you don’t

have the balls to leave Becky, and this is your way of getting her to leave you.

ALAN:

I was going to propose to her this

weekend, you jackass!

VICK:

All the more reason to freak out.

Alan opens his mouth to respond, but nothing comes out. Vick nods, chew on that, and continues slowly reversing the car.

VICK (CONT'D)

I love you, Alan Mervish, I do, but

you’ve always had a major pole up your ass. Maybe last night was your inner cool person trying to get out-

ALAN:

I swear to God, Vick, if you say

one more word to me, I will destroy you.

38.

SMASH!

STU:

Guys, come on, let’s not use our

angry words--

A baseball bat SHATTERS the windshield! The guys all jump! Vick slams on the brakes!

VICK What the--?!

They look up to see two MASSIVE SAMOAN MEN in loud Hawaiian shirts, KALOLO FANALUA and KIKIOLANI, 30’s, standing on either side of the car. And they look pissed.

KALOLO FANALUA Get out of the car, Vick.

Stu and Alan recoil in terror. STU

Who are these guys?!

VICK Stu, please.

(to Kalolo Fanalua)

I think there’s been some sort of mistake, Mister...?

KALOLO FANALUA:

I’m Mr. Shut The Hell Up And Get

The Hell Outta The Car, and this is my associate, Mr. Smash You In The Teeth If You Say Another Word.

VICK (beat, to Alan)

Those so aren’t their real names. ALAN

Vick, don’t be a dick--!

VICK:

Alan? Relax. These men aren’t going

to hurt us. They’re from Hawaii. SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!

Kikiolani starts viciously smashing the car!

KALOLO FANALUA:

We’re from Guam, b*tch! Now get

outta the car!

39.

VICK:

Okay, okay! Cool it with the bat!

Jesus, why is everyone trying to kill my car...?

Vick undoes his seatbelt and reaches for his door handle. Kikiolani lowers his bat -- and Vick throws the door open, right into his nuts! The huge Samoan staggers back, OWWW, and Vick slams his door shut and

FLOORS IT OUT OF THERE IN REVERSE!

The Caddy sideswipes a car, hops the curb, and lands on the street! They SQUEAL AWAY, the huge bronze shield flying out of the backseat as they do! It CLATTERS on the pavement...

EXT. EAST VEGAS STREET -- CONTINUOUS

Vick drives like the wind, trying to see around the huge SPIDERWEB in the windshield. Alan and Stu are freaking out.

ALAN Why’d you do that?!

VICK (incredulous)

Really?

STU:

Maybe they just wanted to talk!

VICK:

I honestly don’t know how you two

are still alive.

ALAN:

Do you think we stole something

from them last night?! STU

Oh my god I am such a bad dad!

ALAN:

(producing cellphone)

I’m calling the police. This is getting way out of control--

VICK No! No cops!

ALAN:

“No cops?!” Who are you, Fitty

Cent?!

40.

STU:

Yeah, Vick, what’s going on?

VICK:

Nothing! I just think we should

focus on finding Doug and not get distracted by every little thing!

ALAN:

Every little thing?! We were just

assaulted by the Yakuza!

VICK:

Oh please, those guys are from

Guam. Get a grip.

ALAN:

They knew your name, Vick! Which

means they probably know who Stu and I are, too!

STU:

If anything ever happened to my

family, Vick...

VICK:

Fine. Let’s just go back to the

hotel -- Doug is probably back from wherever he spent the night, we’ll get him, we’ll straighten out whatever we did to those angry Samoans, then we’ll get the hell back to LA, okay? Left turn.

Vick angrily takes a harder-than-necessary left turn. Alan hangs on tight, almost flying out of the car.

41.

TITLE CARD:
“SATURDAY, 2:26 PM”

INT. DEAN MARTIN SUITE -- DAY

The boys hurry into their room, stressed.

VICK Doug? Doug?

Alan quickly checks the room phone.

ALAN No messages.

CUT TO:

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