The Happy Ending Page #5

Lately, I cry at everything.

Even nothing.

That's one comfort

I can't afford, not in my trade.

If there's one thing a man won't tolerate,

it's a crying mistress.

He gets that at home.

I know.

In the past 10 years,

I've been the other woman to

three married men.

Sam, he's number four.

Doesn't it break up their home?

Baby, you can't

break up a home that isn't already cracked.

Do you feel a victim of routine?

Do you have a scheduled life to clear?

Can I help you, Mr. Trasker?

Yes, take care of these cables, please.

This one is from Mrs. Wilson to

Mr. Wilson in Denver, Colorado.

- Yes, sir.

- This cable to my office in New York.

Yes, sir.

Nice to see you again, Ms. Harrigan.

Thank you.

Right now, she needs beachwear.

And then later on, the works.

- Flo, I can't...

- Charge it, as usual.

- How's everything?

- Okay.

- Your kids?

- The same.

- The missus?

- The same.

- How was Christmas?

- The same.

Thanks for the present.

Thanks for being nice to Mary.

I haven't seen her since college.

Six months before graduation,

she drops out

to get married.

Isn't that why girls go to college?

Didn't you?

I bet you could have had any man in college?

I did.

Practically all of them.

I was listed in every little

black book on campus

under "Flo Harrigan,

the Girl Most Likely To."

24-hour service.

$40 an hour.

I don't believe it.

Believe it.

Some girls work their way

through college selling magazines.

I sold me.

I don't want to hear it.

It's a success story with a bang finish.

It's lucky my mother hated breastfeeding

or I'd been alcoholic before I could walk.

It finally killed her.

Every Sunday, drunk or sober,

she'd give me the same lecture,

"Girl, you gotta go to college.

"'Cause without an education,

you either end up

"a bigmouth housewife or a big-ass whore."

My freshman year,

she dropped dead, smack in the middle

of prayin' to win a fortune

in the Irish Sweepstakes.

I sure didn't intend to be

a bigmouth housewife,

so I went to work.

I graduated with a Masters degree

in Men.

Why did you want me to know?

I don't know.

My God, you're beautiful.

I miss you, even when I'm with you.

Any time is playtime

Night or daytime

From volleyball to dice games

Lots of nice games

Or play a bit of cricket if you are wicked

Or play a round

Doesn't everybody?

Baby, simply name your recreation

Any game at all

Observation or participation

Something for everybody

Been around the pool girls

Even school girls

And little boys and big boys

If you dig boys

The mamas and the teenies in their bikinis

All look the same if they got a body

Bait your hook and try your hand at fishing

If you're so inclined

Look at all the fish on exhibition

Something for everybody

I've got all the stingers for the swingers

A party for the square set

Rocking chair set

From popping corks to popcorn

Our bag is full of something for everybody

And I want you to call my wife at home.

No, tomorrow.

The interest rates

are going up in construction.

It gives us a chance to get

that paving contract.

If we can finance it

ourselves, we may get the deal.

- Mary.

- Come.

One tomato juice, straight.

- Well, did you think it over?

- I found the secret formula.

If you look and smell right,

if your hair is the right color,

if you drive the right car,

smoke the right cigarette,

if your bosom is big and firm

and fully packed

and your breath is sweet

and your teeth are bright,

then you'll find love,

marriage, and be happy forever.

If...

If you promise never, but never, to grow old.

Why not?

It's the American dream.

I thought that was money.

Love and money are related by marriage.

Daddy, what's marriage?

Business.

Big business.

U.S. economy depends on marriage.

Not U.S. Steel?

Marriage.

Once people saved up to get married,

now, there's credit.

Credit means buying.

That means stores, shipping,

building, factories.

Marriage means sex, beauty, luxury,

diamonds, furs, perfumes, cars.

Gifts for her.

Gifts for him. Gifts for them.

Marriage means a home, and that means

painters, plumbers, carpenters,

furniture, rugs, curtains,

linens, silver, dishes,

electric washers, dryers, mixers, fixers,

stoves, clocks, radios, TVs.

Thirty billion dollars

every yearjust to get married.

If marriage is made in heaven,

a broken marriage is financial blasphemy.

Bachelors, divorcees,

widows and homosexuals are unprofitable.

And that makes them un-American.

Lose it slowly.

It might be un-American but I love that man.

$100? I can't take that.

Rule 1, married or not,

never gamble with your own money.

$100 worth of chips, please.

16, red.

Denver's calling.

Oh, thank you.

Hello?

Oh, I'm fine, really.

Oh, it's beautiful here. Hot and lovely.

I met a friend.

She lent me some money.

Five, red.

You had to ask, didn't you?

Yeah.

All right.

Good bye.

"Behave yourself.

No drinking.

"Stick to tomato juice."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

The roulette is tedious, no?

I agree.

You see, gambling is for

bored men and lonely women.

Scusa, I am not molesting, huh?

No.

Bellissima.

And I knew at once you would be shy.

Bravo!

A beautiful woman can afford to be modest.

I am, how you say in the hair, huh?

Ah, no, I'm sorry, but,

you sound like that Italian actor...

- Marcello?

- Yeah.

Si. He also finds it amusing.

E grazie. Keep it.

You know him?

Chi? Marcello?

Like a brother.

I make him famous

to the world. Small matter.

Come.

- You belong?

- Oh, yeah.

Don't tell me he came through

the telephone.

He clicked his lighter and said,

"The roulette is tedious, no?"

It's tedious, yes.

He knows Marcello.

Even sounds like him.

Dandy.

Am I being silly?

Fourteen, red.

No, baby.

I think he's...

Very young.

He's been there and back.

Have fun.

I, uh, I think I'm scared.

26, black.

You've never had a...

Nobody?

Not once in 16 years?

My God!

You belong in a museum.

I forgot my glasses.

I won't even see what's happening.

It's better with your eyes closed.

I've forgotten what to say or do.

Say nothing.

Do everything.

Double zero.

Hey, Marcello!

The news and Fotografia,

I create the text,

and then they publish in the magazine.

Like Life Magazine, Paris Match,

Esquire, Playboy.

You have seen, yes?

Oh, yes, the naked ladies.

Oh, sometimes, Lola, Sophia, Brigitte, you

know? But that's tiring business.

I like better the serious work.

The biography,

de Gaulle, Sinatra, Liz and Dick,

- Khrushchev, Truman.

- Oh, a great President.

Capote. Also great.

Oh, I envy you.

- Prego?

- Your work.

Oh, you mean,

the flying here and the racing around there

and the palaces,

the submarines, things like that, you mean?

Yes. Well, they're boring

women with boring bodies.

And tired old men with

foolish and bizarre notions.

La Dolce Vita.

Capri, the Riviera, Vegas, Hollywood.

Very sad, very nothing.

Here's looking at you, kid.

- Are you here professionally?

- Si.

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