The Happy Ending Page #4

Not what it is.

Whatever it is, I love you.

We're not in love.

We just make love, and damn little of that!

And then it's kiss, kiss, groan and twitch,

wham, bam, thank you, ma'am!

Why don't you scream it out the window?

- Does Marge have to know?

- She knows.

- She's a kid for Christ's sake.

- Kids know.

Okay, now cool it, will you?

I'm against "cool."

I can't talk to you.

'Cause we got nothing to say to each other!

Before we married,

you never stopped talking.

Now you talk only to clients.

Marge talks only to the telephone.

The only people who ever talk to me

are the television and then Agnes!

That's drunk talk!

Ah! I got a big day tomorrow.

Yeah? Doing what?

Training for those two-hour, six-martini

lunches, goosing topless waitresses?

And a happy anniversary to you, too!

And that all-year-round electric tan!

Phony! Smile! You're on Candid

Camera to prove we're happy!

Phony!

And all those lousy plaques on the wall!

Best Man of the Week, Best Christian of the

Month in Denver. Phony!

We don't even know

a real Christian. Not one!

If we had to live 24 Christian hours,

we'd go insane!

Phony! Phony! Phony!

What about you?

What are you?

Joan ofArc on a bender?

What about you?

I'm nothing at all.

Zero!

You're one thing for sure.

Drunk!

Not yet!

- Where the hell are you going?

- Back to Casablanca.

Back to Humphrey Bogart,

Peter Lorre and Claude Rains.

Dead, dead, dead!

Dead and buried,

they're more alive than we are!

Hello.

I'm sorry,

but your flight

doesn't leave until 9:45 in the morning.

Uh, excuse me.

Paging Mr. Paul McClure or Mr. Bob Foster.

Would you please call 4830?

Mr. Paul McClure or Mr. Bob Foster.

Long distance, please.

Good night, Fred.

See you at the club this Sunday.

I, Richard Milhous Nixon

do solemnly swear...

...that you will

faithfully execute the office...

...that I will

faithfully execute the office...

...of President of the United States.

...of President of the United States.

And will, to the best

of your ability...

And will to the best of my ability...

...preserve, protect and defend...

...preserve, protect and defend...

...the Constitution of

the United States...

...the Constitution of

the United States...

...so help you God.

...so help me God.

Wilson residence.

Marge.

Just a minute, please.

Marge.

For you. Mrs. Wilson.

Mary. Hello?

Long distance?

Yes! Yes, operator,

of course, we'll accept the charges.

Hello?

Mary,

are you all right?

- Can I get you a drink?

- No.

- Cigarette?

- Mmm-mmm.

Gin rummy? Scrabble?

Twenty Questions?

Fred?

For God's sake, let's go home.

Hello?

Where are you?

Of course, they noticed.

It's your party. You're the only one not here.

Why are you calling?

You didn't want me to worry?

Well, your tender concern

is about six hours too late.

You're thinking what over?

What's there to think over?

And why the hell do you

have to go to New York to think?

Hey, are you crying for them?

For us.

I'll cry to that.

Sorry!

Sorry is about the sorriest

word ever said in a marriage.

Who is she meeting in New York?

She said

she was going to Nassau.

Alone?

I don't believe it.

Nobody goes that far to a strange place

without money, without...

I don't believe it.

My mother came all the way from Ireland...

Alone.

All she had was hope.

Parties.

Drunk parties are grotesque, stupid.

Sober parties are worse.

When the phone rang, it scared me.

It must have scared them, too.

They ran out like

the house was coming down.

Like when you were away,

and I found Mom, and called the ambulance.

- She tried to kill herself.

- She didn't.

- Why?

- It was an accident.

Then why isn't she here?

Is that an accident, too?

- Hold it.

- She doesn't care about us.

- Hold it.

- She doesn't love us.

Stop it, I said!

Your mother loved you

before you were born.

Before she knew what

you'd look like or what you'd become.

She loves you in a hundred

ways nobody else can.

Nobody!

Not the man you'll marry.

Not your own children.

Not even me.

Remember that all your life.

She loves you.

Does she love you, too?

Yes.

Then why did she run out on us?

Maybe, we ran out on her.

A long time ago.

Our cabin altitude is controlled,

and should it change, an oxygen mask

will be automatically released

from the back compartment

of the seat in front of you.

Extinguish all cigarettes immediately,

pull mask toward you,

then place it over your face,

covering your nose and mouth,

as your stewardess is now demonstrating.

Breath as you normally would

until you're advised

that the masks are no longer needed.

This is your Captain speaking.

Excuse me.

You all right?

Your first trip to Nassau?

Flo!

Well, look it here.

This must be my lucky day.

Beat it.

- To old times.

- God, yes. Times!

How long has it been?

Class of '53.

What were we?

The Asperin Age or the Anxiety Age?

The Stone Age.

What's the secret formula?

Why do you look 28,

and I'm afraid to look in the mirror?

Power, baby.

There's white power,

green power, black power,

electric, horse and manpower.

I've got staying power.

I've been massaged, barraged,

creamed and reamed

with every slop and goo on the market.

I've tried the Yogi bit,

Ying and Yang, Biff and Bang, the works.

You name it, I've done it.

All in the name of youth and beauty.

God knows, I've even prayed for it.

Baby, there's one big difference between us.

You got married.

Still with the same man?

Same wonderful man.

- Kids?

- One. Oh, she's a beauty.

That helps.

Family holiday?

Alone?

Where are you staying?

No reservation?

This time of year?

That desperate, huh?

Oh, baby, baby.

- What'd you do, catch him cheatin'?

- No.

Did he punch you around?

Never laid a glove on me.

Let's see. He's impotent.

No.

- Sex maniac?

- No.

- Perverted?

- No.

Stingy?

It's his mother.

Oh, it's...

It's nothing serious.

It's just...

Nothing that happens between

a man and a woman is "just."

I can't live with him

and I can't live without him.

What's the matter with me?

Why can't I love the man I love?

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are arriving at Nassau.

Kindly remain seated until we have...

If you wanna leave yourself behind

Looking for a place to just unwind

With a balmy breeze to clear your mind

Hurry up and hurry down

Hurry to a land of swing and sway

Just a little nip and nap away

Hurry to a world where you can stay

Out of touch and out of town

Better hurry up

Better hurry down

Sun's here

Fun's here

You can live it up while you live it down

Any time of year

If your life is getting out of hand

Sit and think it over on the sand

Things are better-looking

when they're tanned

Hurry up and hurry down

Never question the cost

Never mind what the neighbors say

Tell the boss to get lost

You'll pack a bag today

All I ever wanted was to love and be loved.

Is that all?

It's only everything.

What'll I do?

For one thing, stop crying.

Oh, but it feels so good.

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