The Happy Ending Page #3

Cake. Cake. C-A-K-E!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

Oh!

Oh, this is wonderful!

Congratulations!

Oh, I'm so proud.

I was saying that marriage

is a kind of fulfilling institution.

I mean, I've known this couple for so long

that it does one's heart so much good.

We'll take a cup of kindness yet

For auld lang syne

Happy anniversary!

To the happy couple.

Where?

Happy anniversary, darling.

Hey, have you

ever considered adultery as a way of life?

Are you still married?

Would it make any difference?

Happy anniversary!

Anyway, this doctor shoots you in the ass

with this gorilla drug, seven days a week

for three months.

Is it expensive?

If it keeps me lookin' 30

and Harry thinkin' dirty, who cares?

If you're a writer,

you've got to meet my wife.

- I'm not a writer.

- Perfect! Helen doesn't read.

You're made for each other.

She'll remind you of the war.

I've never been in the war.

Terrific!

Then you'll enlist.

Class, huh? Class.

Baby, that's one thing

you've got, and that's class!

You ought to know,

you've pinched every acre of it.

Don't go away,

Helen will eat you alive.

Eat you alive.

Just a song at twilight

Well, it's a pleasure, Helen.

- Mary, Fred's wife.

- Sorry.

Was he kidding about his wife?

He was kidding.

I just got into town

and your husband said...

"Drop in any old time."

Yes.

I suppose I ought to know you.

All of Fred's clients are either famous,

infamous, rich, or about to get rich.

Which one are you?

And suppose I'm not a client?

Oh, you wouldn't be here.

Only clients are invited.

Friends aren't deductible.

Fred says,

"It's just as easy to be friendly with a client,

"as with someone you like."

See?

Comes love's old sweet song

You think everything's

a swindle, even marriage.

Especially marriage.

Well, you've been divorced twice,

so you're not a fairjudge.

Neither are you.

You haven't been married even once.

Watch it, Reverend.

They say it's better to burn than to marry.

Well, I believe the saying is,

"It's better to marry than burn."

No married man would say that.

It was said by God.

A bachelor.

He had the goods on me.

No kids, no divorce.

She doesn't even see her own children.

I used to. It was worse

than not seeing them at all.

That's awful.

Isn't that awful?

Awful.

Also a relief.

That's okay.

She's not my wife.

Aspirin, Bufferin, Anacin,

Empirin, Excedrin,

Codeine!

Want me to stay awhile?

Miltown.

- Everybody happy?

- Must be.

Everybody's kissin' somebody.

Oh, party kissing is not serious.

Only fatal.

My first husband was a terrific kisser

but he was a terrible lover.

Maybe what a man feels isn't really love.

Oh, sh*t!

What a man loves most of all

is his damn automobile.

Now, why is that?

He can always trade it in for a new model.

Tell him. Tell him.

Oh, it's a fact.

She can't afford to marry you.

Her alimony would stop.

So, we'll just have to sin and bear it.

Those relatives I support,

can't you find a tax gimmick

to get 'em off my back?

To be honest, no!

I didn't ask you to be honest.

I want you to save me money.

Hey!

Hey, I love you.

Remember now, you promised, no drinking.

Let go.

- You promised.

- Let go!

What's the secret?

The key? The formula?

Don't you have any respect for statistics?

American married people are 32% divorced,

and 68% miserable.

Oh, I know you believe in family, love,

God, chewing gum.

But married 15 years to the same person.

What are ya?

Both cowards or what, huh?

First time I ever saw

anybody go to the bathroom in the dark.

It's the first time

I ever saw anyone drink perfume.

Bottle by Rossoff.

Vodka by Smirnoff.

Keeps you breathless

while it stops the clock.

Let's see now, you're Mrs...

Ex-Mrs.

Are all divorcees gay?

Hmm. That depends on the alimony.

In your case?

Ah, trs gay.

Your talented husband handled the divorce.

Now, he handles my assets.

I'll bet he does.

You won't believe this, but he saved my life.

In Reno.

I was getting unhitched,

and my ex was trying to

b*tch up the settlement.

I phoned Fred in a panic, absolute panic.

He flew out to Reno that night.

Saved my life, so help me.

Fred's an expert at artificial respiration,

especially mouth-to-mouth.

How much of that stuff does

it take to, um, stop the clock?

Less than enough, you're climbing the walls.

Too much, blotto.

But...

If you've got that magic touch,

floating time.

I once lost a whole month that way.

Between drinks.

I looked up...

Gone!

Lovely.

Lovely floating time.

Good night, Mary.

Good night, Mary.

Oxnardian theory.

Good night, Fred.

Harry!

See you next year.

- Same time, same place, same event?

- Yep.

Did you hear the one

about the tax collector...

- Fred's a great guy.

- Great.

- Life of the party.

- Yep.

What? Oh, good night.

Harry!

Now, there is a woman with classic beauty

but no class.

- She loves you.

- Thank you for coming.

Love was invented by poets.

Love is something we talk about.

Sex is what we do.

Harry!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Let's all go to Charlie's

place for a nightcap, huh?

How about it, Freddy?

Come on, don't let the party end.

Oh! It's too late.

I got to go home, honey.

You are home, honey.

Good night.

Good night.

Did you see...

Say something, baby.

Anything.

No matter

what shape your stomach's in,

when it gets out of shape, take Alka-Seltzer.

Who are you really

and what were you before?

And what did you do

and what did you think, huh?

We said, "No questions."

Here's looking at you, kid.

With the whole world

crumbling, we pick this time to fall in love.

Yeah, it's pretty bad timing.

Where were you, say, 10 years ago?

Ten years ago?

Let's see...

Yes, I was having a brace put on my teeth.

Was that cannon fire

or is it my heart pounding?

Hi.

Have a nice time?

Okay.

Where'd you go?

Drove around.

Stay and talk awhile.

Talk about what?

Anything.

Ma!

Daddy?

- Daddy?

- Hello, lover.

You missed a great party.

You all right?

Just fine.

Good night.

Hey, hey, what's wrong, kid?

I love you so much.

And I hate this war so much.

Oh, it's a crazy world.

Anything can happen.

If you shouldn't get away...

I mean, if, if something

should keep us apart...

Kiss me.

Kiss me as if it were the last time.

"Here's looking at you, kid."

President Johnson's

peace plans were snubbed by Hanoi.

The sports world is still in shock over

UCLA'S basketball defeat by Houston.

Mamba, a two-ton rhinoceros...

You know what time it is?

Japanese students protest visit of nuclear...

Please, come to bed.

Complete details of these and other stories.

Denver weather

and livestock reports in a moment.

Back to our late,

late show, Casablanca.

You've seen that 100 times.

We'll miss the news.

Honey!

The news.

The news is here!

Us! You and me

and that no man's land you call "bed"!

I'm not complaining.

Then you ought to.

I'm satisfied.

You couldn't be.

Not after what it used to be.

What do you expect it to be after 15 years?

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