The Hardy Bucks Movie Page #2

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and now we're off to Poland.

What's wrong with your

bits and pieces here?

- It's different this time.

- How?

- Completely f***ing different.

- How is it different?

How is it different? It's a matter

of national pride this time.

- Your country needs you.

- Why, for what?

Your people need you.

Your country needs a lift, Buzz.

- Are you thick, or what's the craic like?

- I'm smart.

This is just going to be drinking and

slobbering, man. You can count me out.

Look, we can be over there

for the Italy game next week.

How would you get there?

You leave it to me now, all right?

I'll have that sorted out.

The mother ship, it's going to be bringing

us all around the World Cup places

in f***ing Poland and Yugoslavia.

Got it from the old lad. Not proud of it,

not f***ing ashamed of it either.

But watch and learn as I give you the

grand tour of this f***ing mother beast,

while Booboo and Fucknuts buy

me loads of booze in the petrol station.

The presidential step

is lowered for my tiny feet.

Ah! Ooh.

Once inside,

the presidential step is retracted

like the penis comes

back inside to the...

I'm just coming inside the womb.

That's where the f***ing slaves

are going to be driving me.

The dining room. I would

use the dining area

to wine and dine chicks

I've brought back

before taking them up

to the f***ing bedrooms

located at the front,

the rear, and even there.

It's good to make them feel like

they're being wined and dined because

then they'll do extra

stuff to your jimmy.

Vulvazela. Jingle bells. A wig.

I'm just going to be the

biggest fan out there.

Shitter. Now the bedroom.

This is the clitoris

of the vulva vehicle.

But, uh...

What's this?

"Dear Viper... " From f***ing Stateside

and Dragon. It's a joke, isn't it?

"We made a mistake, Viper.

"Myself and Stateside

"would rather drive rusty nails

into each other's c*cks

"than spend three weeks

trapped in a van with you.

"P.S. We took your 400 euro

which you owed us, you prick. "

"P.P.S...

"Stateside left you a present in the

toilet which may have blocked it. "

Yeah, I know well.

I'd say the jig is up now, boys.

In the toilet, eh? Hiding in the

one place I couldn't find you, eh?

I bet you're f***ing...

Okay, Edward, can you tell me

how this happened?

Well, I was out doing a bit of shopping

for the elderly, minding me own business,

next thing, I fell over

these frozen turkeys.

- Frozen turkeys?

- Yeah.

Fourteen or 15 of them just thrown

there in the aisle.

Slipped on one, banged me head

off the other one.

It was like the fall

of Saigon, you know?

- What a bizarre accident.

- I know.

And do they know who

put the turkeys there?

No, they do not.

Someone threw a jacket over

the CCTV camera.

I know, isn't it awful?

Terrible.

But look, doctor, I don't want to be

dragged through the courts on this.

No, I just want a quick over

the counter settlement job, you know?

Listen, Edward,

I'm not a lawyer, all right?

- Yeah.

- If you want to jump on the bed,

I'll have a look at you and then

we'll send you down for an X-ray.

- An X-ray?

- Yeah.

- For what?

- Just to assess the damage,

pinpoint any fractures.

I thought you couldn't

prove neck pain?

No, no, no, you're

thinking of back pain.

Stateside, it's Viper.

Where the f*** are you, man?

Why's it going to voicemail?

Yeah, Dragon, where the f*** are you,

man? Four hours now.

The joke has gone flat.

The joke has gone flat!

We've got a f***ing ferry to catch

in a few hours. I'm nearly crying.

You're f***ing me up, Dragon.

You're f***ing me up huge style.

And by the time you get this I'll be at

Dublin Port, so please, if you do...

If you can make it,

do f***ing come along.

Well, Eddie.

Don't be breaking the door,

would you?

- Waste of time, man.

- Told you it was a waste of time.

All you're doing is comparing

dick sizes with the Viper.

Plus, you know, I'm not going

to leave Moira, you know that?

F***in' Moira.

- Oh, I have.

- What about the rule, Buzz?

- What rule?

- Soccer before sex.

Bollocks. Sex before soccer always!

Man, I'm having some of the best

sex of me life.

Well, it's all right for you to be

up at the town potting the pink.

- Yeah.

- Shteve Davis down the brown.

Whereas I'm stuck here

bored out me f***ing tree, man.

If you're that bored, why don't you ask

Salmon so, to go off to Poland with you?

The lad needs cheering up.

Why would I want to go

to Poland with Salmon?

Salmon is boring as f***.

He just sleeps all day like an old sloth.

- Why does he need cheering up anyway?

- 'Cause he's in bits.

Salmon, I'm sorry to hear about your

aunty heading to the dungeon of silence.

If it's any consolation

I've been in tears all week.

Cat's gone missing.

It's no consolation at all.

Shleepy time.

Uh, Salmon.

- Cheers, Eddie, for coming.

- All right, now how is she?

Well, uh, dead.

I just don't know what to say

to you, you know, it's er...

She was a f***ing dote.

Cheers, Eddie.

Did she leave you anything?

That's not really appropriate.

That's not what I meant. Don't be

putting words into me mouth, man.

You need to go away

on a holiday, man.

She's not even buried yet.

I know, but get away from all

this sh*t, like, you know.

What the f*** is a great

aunty anyway, like?

What do you mean?

She practically raised me.

I... I was being rhetorical.

Maybe you should move on then,

speak to someone else.

Maybe you should move on,

go on a holiday. Do you understand?

We'll talk real soon, right?

Be strong.

- Poland?

- Yeah.

- Poland?

- Yeah. Poland.

- Look, you don't even use it any more.

- I do use it!

It's full of sh*t, I'm raising

turkeys in it for killing.

I'll have that cleaned out

with a power hose in a jiffy.

But you can't take that yoke

on the road. - I can take it...

Go over 50 miles an hour

and she'll overheat.

And you've no reverse gear in it.

Ah, it doesn't matter, Mick.

I'll find a roundabout.

Look, there's a bit of money heading

my way now shortly.

I'm not sure, but there might be.

If I get the f***ing wheels,

the dream is complete.

You were there in '88,

you know what the craic is.

Houghton and the boys, Stuttgart.

When do Ireland ever qualify

for anything these days?

Hey, Eddie!

Here, take that with you.

- You'll need that for good luck.

- Thanks very much.

And remember the women

in mainland Europe...

- Yeah?

- Make sure you check their Adam's apple.

When you're in the middle of it, gay

or straight, it's impossible to stop.

It all goes out the window...

Gay or straight.

- Good luck, Eddie. Good luck.

- Thank you, Mick. God bless you.

And be careful, eh? Go on.

Go on.

Ah, come on, f***ing

Stateside, come on, f***.

If you could see where I was now,

you'd be f***ing ripping.

You'd be absolutely ripping.

I'm f***ing sitting here now

with a gang of lads,

I'm sure Calum Best is here as well.

A load of f***ing women around me.

They're asking me

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