The Hardy Bucks Movie Page #3

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where my mates are.

I was showing them f***ing

photographs of you and Dragon.

They were f***ing going wild, hey.

No f***ing joke, hey.

Please, man. Where...

Please, why'd you f***ing...

Why'd you leave me, you know?

Please come along if you get this.

I'm sorry the way I behaved

there, at the wake.

You know, it's...

It was out of order.

And a man like you in

your time of grief...

You'll be mourning that woman

for a long, long time, Salmon.

Ah, yeah, I'm still really cut

up about it and upset, you know.

And that's going to take you

a long time to get over that grief.

And it's a time for mourning and it's a

time... It's a time for heroes, Salmon.

And that's why we need to show

our respect to your late great aunty

and take this show on the road.

Ah, f*** me, it's good

to have some company, man.

F***ing lonely out.

Been crying for 37 miles.

Where are you headed to?

The next service station

will be sufficient.

F***ing sound out.

I'm heading to the f***ing Dam.

Dam busters.

Gonna sell the boys a bit of

f***ing shkunk pussies.

Make a bit of f***ing

money, that's what I do.

How about you?

I am Germany's number one

stand-up comedian.

We've got a f***ing

joker in the pack, huh?

Tell us a joke, there. F***.

It's rude to ask a comedian to

tell a joke when he's off duty.

- Are you f***ing serious? Rude?

- Very rude. I refuse to do it.

I don't believe you for

a f***ing second, hey.

I am Germany's answer to Chris Rock.

F***ing Dickie Rock, more like.

On the phone, Eddie, you said that this

was going to be some kind of campervan.

Yeah, it's a van and

we'll be camping.

To be fairs, I have been thinking for

a long time about going to Europe.

Europe is there to

be exploited by me.

They're very liberal,

they're a bit daft,

the Europeans with all this chorizo

with salami with all... Black forest ham.

I've a keen eye and I'm going

to try and source some materials cheaply,

bring them back here and sell

them at a higher price.

Speaking of finance, what happened

to your poor old aunty, Salmon?

How did she pass away, like?

They say it was the

tea that killed her.

- The tea killed her?

- Yeah.

She got up to make a cup of tea, tripped

over the cat and fell into the telly.

- How much did she leave you anyway?

- 1,600.

- 1,600, yeah?

- Yeah.

- And tell me, do you have it all with you?

- I do, yeah. Just like you said.

And you definitely can get me

a ticket to the Italy game?

Tickets? To the Italy game?

Oh, yeah.

Not a problem, man.

Don't you worry about Buzz, man.

I'm the alpha male of the group

and you'll do what I say

because you're my minions.

Yeah. Do you believe that?

What are you on about, "minions"?

Are you coming or what's the craic?

- Uh...

- Come on.

- I don't know, I don't know.

- Come on.

Well, Moira's going to come over now

in half an hour for the old...

Now, look, look, look... Moira?

Are you still going on

about her, are you?

We're going to try

out a few new moves.

Listen to me, Buzz, the amount of

women on the continent,

you'll blow the beans even

just thinking about it, man.

- Look at that.

- Where'd you get the cash?

Don't you worry where

I get the cash.

Myself, Salmon and The

Boo are here, man.

F***.

Go and have a fast wank.

Go on, drain the spuds.

And you come back out here and you tell

me you don't want to go to Poland.

- All for you, baby.

- Right...

I'll have a fast wank.

- Ah, go away, go in.

- And pack the clothes.

Right, hold up. Hold up.

Sh*t, it's amazing how you don't give

a sh*t for women after you have a wank.

I only make jokes for payment.

Payment is transaction

of money exchanging hands.

- This drive is not payment.

- Got a joke for you, man.

What did the Irish lad say

to the f***ing Germanian lad?

I give up.

Get out! Get out!

What have I done?

I can't wait to do a bit of the old

manual labour, get the old hands dirty.

- Oh, yeah.

- Good, good for the old soul like.

You love the work, Toasteen.

I'll do a bit of graft so I will.

But how... You've an awful lot of

bags for just doing a bit of graft.

- That's right.

- You've got sleeping bags and stuff,

what's that all about, like?

I've got your passport with us.

What do you mean

you've got my f***ing passport?

All I said is I might've been bending

the truth a little bit.

- We're going to Poland, man.

- That's f***ing kidnapping, man.

It's shnot, it's shnot.

Well, so much

for Salmon's patriotism.

That lasted as far as the petrol

station in Ballaghaderreen.

F***ing hell, is it just me,

or is it f***ing weird out there?

- Surely. My name's... Nice to meet you.

- Mark.

Not too bad, Mark... Mark, Mark.

So you can definitely f***ing buy

here, it's all legal, is it?

All legal.

The police, they aren't going

to f***ing come and get me.

No.

Let's f***ing lock and load, get the joints

out because we're going f***ing shmoking.

Lovely.

- This is a nice one.

- What does it do?

- It makes you stoned.

- Shpark me up, man, spark me up.

F***ing hell.

- How you doing?

- All right?

The strongest, is it?

Are you going for pints?

Do you want a pint? Or owt, man?

No, thank you.

Didn't hear me.

F***'s sake.

She's overheating, lads.

Oh, God.

We'll have to give her

a few hours to cool down, like.

Mick f***ing warned me.

Oh! I don't even know

where the f*** we are, lads.

Oh, I know where we are.

I know where we are.

- How?

- Huh?

- Oh, nice one.

- Where are we now?

- Berlin?

- Nrnberg.

Do you know what this is, Buzz?

- It's a map.

- Map of what?

Of... Of land.

Map of f***ing Germany, Buzz.

Who's to say

we weren't gonna get lost?

Is it just me or does

this make you feel lonely?

Hmm, depends how you feel.

F***ing Stateside and Dragon,

they'd given me a text

to say they weren't f***ing... They

weren't bothered about coming over...

- You know Stateside?

- No.

If you can make friends around these

places, that would be f***ing sound out.

Savage, like.

You try.

You want hash or marijuana?

I have some, I'm just looking at the...

Your prices.

I've got a bit of shtuff

there if he wants.

It's not allowed that you sell your

stuff here to people.

Got this shtuff called

"closet" up in Sligo.

Makes you think you're locked

in a f***ing closet, man.

Sell it on the street, but not here.

Ah, there's going to be no cops

in here though, is there?

No.

Don't be getting smart.

Hello. I don't know if you could hear me

over there, like, you know.

But I was just looking...

I ask you one more time.

If you do it again, I throw you out.

Yeah? Watch this, watch this.

Do you want to buy some f***ing

closet, man, do ya?

- Stop. Come on, come on.

- I said... Hey, ooh.

Don't f***ing touch me, man.

- Please, come on. Go out.

- I'm only being f***ing friendly.

- I'm only being f***ing sound, man.

- Hey... Go, go!

Oh, God, Salmon, you f***ing pig.

Oh, man!

Ah, how are you, love? How's tricks?

Yeah. Listen, I can't

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