The Hardy Bucks Movie Page #4

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talk right now.

You're having a good

go though, aren't you?

F*** off. No, no, no,

no, not you, not you.

I am awful sorry about leaving but like,

it's kind of like a business trip.

Don't be getting thick, hey?

Listen, you know my heart

has feelings for you.

I'll send you a picture

of me nob tomorrow, all right?

Good luck. Good night, good night.

Salmon, stop that.

Hey, lads, since we're

doing a European trip,

shall we leave out Poland

and just go to the Dam?

You've drink, drugs, women.

The unholy trinity.

Sounds like my nightmare.

That'd be Sodom and Gomorrah.

Ah, be... It'd be a good craic,

I reckon it'd be a nice little detour.

- I'll give it a go, like.

- Hey, Buzz.

Did you evers try that

old phone sex jobby?

Where you put the phone down your pants

and it vibrates until you blow the beans?

No. Talking dirty to

your missus, like.

You're on to something there, Boo.

Maybe you could, uh,

give it a go, man.

Why would I want her to talk

to all your f***ing dirty voices?

She'd catch something

just from the sound of you.

Cheers, Eddie.

You cannot come to Europe

and not go to Amsterdam, you know?

I came up with the idea.

You'd swear you suggested it.

We've been on about this since

we were f***ing...

What?

Yeah, since we were like

twelve year old men.

No, no, I'm grand, man, I'm grand.

- Ah, go on, French, go on, man.

- What's happened to you, man?

You used to be a f***ing hard cock.

I'm sorry, lads. It's just for

my own sanity, like, you know.

Ah, he used to love that sh*t.

But sure I'm getting f***ing baked

off the f***ing fumes in this place.

Here, Boo?

I'm going to have to

leave that stuff, sorry.

Where are you going?

He's a soft cock but

I've business to do,

I don't want to be going around

the place munched out of it.

- Like what?

- I'm going, doing a bit of business.

Oh, yeah, business is it?

I'm not doing that, I've business,

I promise you.

Don't pay too much, hey.

Here goes nothing.

He's going to see a dog

about a man, is it?

A man about a dog, yeah.

Going to see a whore about a cock.

- Did I just really say that?

- Huh?

Did you just wake up?

You're baked out of your tree, man.

Jeez, this stuff is strong.

- You okay, man?

- Yeah, sound.

Where are you going? Stay, now stay.

- Is your mind wobbling?

- Eh?

Is your mind...

Are you stoned?

Where are you going?

- Stretching the legs.

- Are you pulling a Jimmy White?

Are you going for our

Anne Frank, are you?

I don't know,

man, he's baked.

- Huh?

- He's pulling a whitey.

You all right, man?

Is this your first time in The Dam?

Yeah. I'm just on the

way to Poland, man.

Support the boys in green,

the boys in green, you know.

You need anything?

Yeah, a glass of water

if you've got one, man.

Or just a...

A milkshake or something.

- I'm not your f***ing mother, yeah?

- Huh?

I mean do you need anything?

I've got some excellent pills.

Everything you need on an MDMA

base, baby. Man, they're beautiful.

Five each, take ten and I give

you two more for free.

That's a lot of work, man, I don't know

what the f*** you're talking about.

Good afternoon, sir.

Can I help you?

Good afternoon. I'm a bit nervous.

By the way, can I say to you,

you have a lovely shop?

- Thank you.

- Now...

Is there much money to be made in this

sort of business, now, selling these toys.

I'm on my third Porsche.

Everyone needs sex.

Everyone needs the sex, all

nationalities, they need the same thing.

It's like oxygen, we all need it.

All right, ten for two, yeah?

- Fine.

- Have fun, yeah.

- Hey, listen up.

- Yeah?

You take these before

you go to Poland, yeah?

Yeah.

I mean you don't want to f*** around with

drugs in Poland, really, I'm serious.

- Yeah?

- Yeah...

A friend of mine, he got caught

with only like a... Spliff...

- Yeah?

- They threw him in jail with a baboon.

Like a monkey baboon?

Like a f***ing monkey baboon, yeah.

F***ing hell, man.

Prison guards, they got it from

a zoo or something.

The zoo, eh?

Yeah, they used to wrestle with it in the

courtyard for bets for money, you know?

So, everything was full so they threw

my friend in with the baboon.

What, like a gorilla,

gibbon kind of baboon?

Like a baboon, man.

He just sit there all day

looking at my friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And at night when my friend goes to

sleep, he tries to f*** him in the face.

You know like...

Crazy, man. Like...

- Oh, yeah, cheers.

- Yeah...

You watch your back, man.

What would you recommend for a guy who's

absolutely no chance of sex with a woman.

No chance, I mean zero.

I think you're too hard for yourself.

You're actually quite pretty.

Oh, Christ, no, no.

I have a lot of sex.

I have no problems

in that department.

Okay.

I'm on about these lonely guys

back where I'm from.

I think I can make a bit of money like,

out of them getting no sex, like.

You could.

What would be the best

companion for them?

What's the best, the best...

The best stuff.

I think this is what

you're looking for.

Eh?

How does that work? What's that?

Hey, man, you got to love

the old river, don't you?

The old swan.

The old water, man,

it's kind of peaceful, isn't it?

It's tranquil. Do you want

to see tranquillity, do you?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Take that.

What the f***?

What the f*** is that, man?

It's whatever you want it to be.

Who are you?

F***ing Jack and the Beanstalk?

What do you want me to do with it?

Huh?

F***ing take it, man.

Sure man, if I take that

the whole flood gates will open

and I'll sure be on the f***ing piss.

Where's your willpower, Toastie?

Where's your willpower?

You were the man who f***ing said,

"Oh, I don't want to drink. "

- Yeah.

- So, if you don't want to drink,

you're f***ing... You're all

right with that, like, you know.

You'll be off your head.

You'll be so off your head,

you won't even want to drink.

Go on, it'll be f***ing mad craic,

the pair of us, like the old days, man.

Sure... That's behind me,

that's all behind me, man.

Come on. F*** that sh*t, Toasteen.

Drop the act, man. Drop the act,

you know what I mean.

You're in Amsterdam, for f***'s sake.

Why haven't you gone

into any of them?

Sure, one of them had hair like

down to her fecking knees.

I don't want to let her... Her knees

were popping out. See that now?

She couldn't...

She'll be f***ed when she's 50.

- You're too scared.

- I'm not scared of a hooker.

You're talking rubbish.

I'm not talking rubbish,

I'm talking truth.

See them?

What about that other one

you were chatting to?

- Sure, she had wisdom teeth.

- You're too chicken.

- I'm not chicken.

- I think you're a bit scared.

- Scared?

- Here, I'll pay for you.

- What?

- And you go down.

- You're gonna pay me for going in.

- Yeah, go on. Go on.

What's stopping you?

All right, I'll go inside,

do you want me to go in?

Yeah.

Right.

I'll go in, so.

Right. Hold on there, Salmon.

Hi, can I go in?

Is this your first time in Holland?

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