The Hardy Bucks Movie Page #5

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- Huh?

- Your first time here in Holland?

Umm... I like, I prefer

pints of stout meself.

You want to touch me, why not?

- Yes.

- It's a fine yoke.

What size is that one?

I'm 38.

You look about 35.

Do you want to see a press-up?

Oh, baby.

Ooh. I'm just showing

you how to do moves.

- Oh, I love it.

- No, no, don't.

You know what you are?

You're a bloody romantic.

I know. It's okay to be shy.

- Yes, do it. Try one time, you like.

- No, no, listen, listen.

- Could I just talk to you? Listen.

- Yes?

No, no, put that away, would you?

No, please, please.

Just wanna... Could I talk to you?

Could I just talk to you, please?

Can you back up one

second, please, please.

Do it for me tonight.

I'll pay you big money

to leave me alone, please.

Just me and you, Mary Jane.

Ah, a wheeled seat,

wouldn't that be sweet?

You're going to have to go

a bit faster there, Victor, mate.

They left me, man.

They left me back in Longford.

I don't care though, Victor.

Me, yourself,

a bit of f***ing sweet Mary J,

the moon is our oyster, boy.

Ah, Victor, hey, come here.

Do you know where I can meet

some class women, like?

That's your fault it's on a semi.

I'll give you thirty of

the hardest euros...

Can I talk to you about my life?

I'm going out with a

woman in Ireland, right?

Yes.

- Her name is Moira.

- Yeah.

No, I'm... I don't know if I'm

hungry or not but I feel like

something's missing

when I'm away from her.

Do you ever get a feeling in your heart,

where you feel very hungry?

I'm going out with her, and I don't

like to cheat on a woman.

What's the story with them yokes,

are they fake?

Christ above, it's like a boiled egg.

It's like two boiled eggs.

No, I can't be looking, I can't.

No, no, because me girlfriend.

That's it,

that's it, that's all I can do.

So if anybody comes in here next, will

you tell them that I had sex with you

like, you know, full blown, uh...

If lads come in here and say,

"Was Buzz any good with you?"

or "That lad, was he any good?"

Just say, "He was flat out. "

Just say he was pumping

like a mad man.

- Yeah.

- Do you know what I mean?

- Yes.

- If you could do that, like, uh...

I'd be fierce pleased.

Can I hug you?

- You're sound, right?

- Yeah.

I'm sound.

Hey, buddy, buddy, umm,

sorry, could you? - Yeah?

- Umm, where are you from, by the way?

- Canada.

Do you mind if I ask you

a few personal questions?

- By all means.

- Right, right.

I'm just trying to get into the mind

of the sexual beast.

Down in this red light, how much,

on average, would you spend?

What would that be

in Canadian dollars?

- And you're female?

- Yes.

Now. What flavour

condoms do you like?

- A blowj*b in a can.

- Blowj*b in a can?

What do you make of them?

This big to about this big...

Christ.

That's nearly an arm's length.

- That scares me, that kind of craic.

- Oh, it scares me, too.

- Lady boys.

- Lady boys, why, what do you mean?

Are they all they're

cracked up to be?

That's the way

it's finished in Gdask.

Spain four. Republic of Ireland nil.

The tears of disappointment will

be shed by the Irish support

who have always been magnificent.

F***ing hell, I've landed

on my feet here, hey.

Like an old cat.

But, erm, no, I had another friend

who f***ed off me as well.

A pet crab, called Colin.

Left the gaff, had

them homing instincts.

The crabs, they like, scuttle towards

the sea like, you know?

But, erm, got as far as Ballina

on a Saturday night

and he got f***ing smashed out of it.

Eight lads kicking the

f*** out of a crab.

Cried me heart out, but less of

the tears, more wine.

No more wine.

- No more stories.

- No?

How about the three of us get busy?

F***ing hell, this is

like a dream come true...

About wanking.

You wanna watch me and Candy first?

Money up front, sweetheart.

Erm, you're all right.

You can have this one for f***ing free.

Sorry?

- Yeah.

- No. You pay us.

Pay you what? F***ing paid you

attention all night, man.

Down the f***ing bar you were having

shcoops, I was footing the shcoops, man.

I don't think you understand.

Well, I don't think you understand.

If I wanted to pay for sex

I'd go down the f***ing RLD.

The red light zone.

But erm, you never know what the f*** you

might catch off one of those prozzies, like.

You dirty piece of sh*t!

Help!

Help!

What the f***?

Oh, God. Hey!

- Hmm... Hmm?

- Where the f*** are we?

- Huh?

- Where are we, man?

- Come on, up. Come on.

- I haven't... I haven't got it.

We've been caged, man.

We've been f***ing... Hey!

Hey, hey, keep it down, man,

my head is f***ing banging.

Was I drinking last night or what?

Hello?

- Jesus Chr...

- Hello?

- Lads.

- What!

What the f*** happened last night?

Back from a night

of riding, are you?

Night of riding? No, no, there was

no riding on my part.

Are, sure, we seen you talking

to every nob handler in town.

I might have been out

all night with prostitutes

but I promise you there was no sex.

All research.

- Now, what did you get up to?

- Salmon, tell him.

Went into one of them women

and she was washing the flute

- and I blew the load.

- All over himself.

I wouldn't mind but that cock wash

cost me sixty quid.

Now that's... That's depressing.

All down his legs and everything,

sure it was a mess.

- Have you seen Eddie and Frenchie?

- I was ringing them all night. No answer.

Come on.

F*** off, man.

Come on.

F***'s sake, man.

All right, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What's going on?

Who are you people?

Why'd I wake up in a f***ing cage?

My name is Dominique,

and this is my club.

What does that mean, like?

So where are we?

In a nightclub, is it?

- Oh!

- F***.

Like, were we out of order last

night, or what's the story?

Out of order.

You owe me 4,000 euro.

Four... What?

Four thousand euro, for what?

For what?

For this.

The lad's f***ed!

Any chance you can burn me

a copy of that, is there?

Yeah, you had a nice time, huh?

- Yeah.

- Hmm.

I don't remember any of it, though.

My champagne

and women are very expensive.

Yes, we can see.

So, how are you going

to pay for all this?

You cannot f***ing keep people

locked up in a cage, like.

Can we talk to the boss of the place

and we'll get this sorted out.

- The boss?

- Yeah.

- Ah!

- Mmm!

You're talking to her.

My f***ing head!

Look, we just want to go to Poland

to watch some football, all right?

Hey, hey. F***er.

Give me that back, man.

Give me that back.

Well I... Could I at least get an aspirin

or something for me headache

and then I can think

clearly, you know.

Can you put it off as a tax write-off

or something like, you know.

Just... There's a lot of cash floating

around in this industry

- and I'm sure a lot of it's non-taxable.

- Four grand.

You have ten minutes

to come up with a solution.

- Ooh.

- Otherwise, we will come up with one.

Do you understand?

Yes, I understand.

Too f***ing hasty here, please.

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