The Hardy Bucks Movie Page #6

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Toastie... Why aren't you doing

anything to f***ing him, like?

That's some good stuff, man,

that's some good stuff.

Do you like that stuff, do you, Buzz?

Jesus, some old stash, hey?

- Sure, where'd you get it?

- New business venture, baby.

This beer, is it?

Open her up.

That baby's going to

make me a lot of money.

Blow job in a beer can. Genius!

- Have you done it?

- No, I don't get high from me own supply.

The boys back in Castletown are going

to go ape shite for that stuff.

Plus, you can wash it

out in the dishwasher.

For single lads,

that could be your best friend.

Ah, lads. Here they are now.

Where were you

lads all night, huh?

- Don't ask.

- Why?

- Let's just get the f*** out of dodge, man.

- Did you catch gonorrhoea?

Yeah, I wish.

Saddle up, we're

going to Poland now.

Ah, here, one thing about Poland,

like, Croatia hammered us today.

We got hammered, yeah.

And, and Spain like,

they absolutely annihilated us.

Are, sure here, hey.

Spain are f***ing class at scoring

the best soccer goals a man can see.

And what's the craic with them Italians?

They're probably fairly handy as well.

Look, it doesn't matter about beating them.

We're not going to beat them, right?

And even if we did beat them

seventeen-two, it wouldn't matter.

- We won't qualify.

- It doesn't even get us through.

The team are gone.

So you're saying, let's leave Amsterdam

and all the craic that's here

to go off, no offence to you,

in a smelly old van and...

Can you give me a few minutes grace here,

I'm going to go downtown.

- Got a message from The Boo, lads.

- Saying what?

Football and Poland are sh*t things.

Look after d*ldos 'cause

plane does not take.

Gone to f***ing Mayo.

He's gone, lads.

Boo, how dare he just f***ing swan off like

that, leaving us with his box of filth.

Never mind The Boo, now.

I want to talk about you and the

riding you were at last night.

Yeah, they were lovely.

Got chatting to them, went back home,

gave them the gift of the gammon.

- Yeah?

- God bless you. That was the end of it.

What's in the black bag then?

One of their sisters lives in Poland.

So one of them was Polish?

F***ing Polish, Spanish, Dutch,

what does it matter, Salmon?

They were foreign, we got chatting,

they said, "Where are you going?"

And I said, "I'm going to Poland

to watch the football. "

So she said,

"Can you bring some stuff back?"

I said "Yes, I will. "

So now you're telling me

you're doing favours for the ride.

That's not like you at all, like.

- What are you on about, man?

- You're talking dribble.

I'm not talking f***ing dribble.

Why weren't you answering

your phones, lads?

- They're at the bar.

- Because we left them at the flat.

Well you lost them or left them now,

which is it?

You're two snakes in

the grass, you are.

- Ah, don't do this to me.

- Don't do this to me!

F***!

Why, why, why?

Why?

Calm down, would you?

- Come out.

- She's not going anywhere, right?

OK, Mr Miyagi, calm down.

She's covered in black, for a start.

What are we going to do now?

Don't even know.

Well...

I'll tell you what

we're going to do.

Mick was right, the van

was bollockshed.

Do you know what I wanted to

do to that van, do you?

But in the cold light of day,

it was up to me to come

up with a more practical solution.

We'll hitchhike.

All the way to Poznan.

Not like that, right? Like that.

Why are you giving me this?

Because it might attract

a weirdo, Salmon.

Why do you want to attract a weirdo?

'Cause a lift is a

f***ing lift, man.

Come on.

Work the shaft, will you, good lad,

work the shaft.

Sure hold it straight, Salmon.

Hold it straight, will you?

Yeah? Good man.

You'll thank me when you get a lift.

And I'll just hide

in here, all right?

Good man, keep it going,

keep it going, keep it going.

Come... You're joking.

What the...

Higgins.

- Good to see you.

- Well if it isn't f***ing tithead.

- F***ing, Viper, eh?

- All on your own, are you?

- Hey, you're f***ing stranded, are you?

- No.

Headin' to the Euros.

It looks like you're stranded in that

f***ing heap of shite.

- No. Yeah... No.

- It's not even our van.

Bullshit, it's got your f***ing name

on it, man.

It could be any Durkan. I know

about 25 Durkans going to Euros.

It could be any Durkan

but it's Eddie Durkan's.

- Is it?

- Yeah.

We're actually waiting on a lift,

as it happens.

Oh, yeah? From who?

From some savage f***ing women,

that's who.

You can't pull the wool over my eyes.

Where the f*** did you meet them?

- Belgium.

- Amsterdam.

All aboard! Welcome to my world.

Won't you come inside?

In you get. What the

hell is with the dildo?

You're gonna use that

on Buzz, are you? Ha!

I mean, I know you're arseholes

and everything...

But we're from the same town, so.

We might as well stick together, eh?

Might as well, might as well, yeah.

A few rules though, you have

to drive me around everywhere.

Rule thirty-four.

No f***ing pedal and cranking it.

This isn't a f***ing knocking shop

I'm running.

This isn't f***ing Viper's big

bang bus of hand shandies.

Oh, God!

This isn't f***ing Pamela Handerson

and the f***ing five dwarves.

- This isn't f***ing...

- Ah, shut up to f***.

Come on, come on with

the f***ing rules, lad.

F***'s sake, man, you need rules

or the place goes to shite.

Look, I was thinking about

what you were saying.

Yeah?

Castletown boys, sticking

together and all.

Like f***ing sh*t

to a lolly stick.

Yeah, I like it.

I like it so much

that I'm going to give you a present

for the back of the van.

- F*** off.

- Oh, yeah. You'll love it.

- Sound out, man.

- You will love it.

My other ride is your mother.

F***ing, hey. This is going to

look class on the bumper, man.

This is going to be deadly, boys.

I swear to f***.

Hey!

You're meant to... You

have to stay still

because I can't put it on

if you're moving, hey.

- Huh?

- I can't put it on if you move, like.

- Oh, right.

- All right?

- Sorry. Go on.

- It's going to look class on the side.

Hey!

Ah ha ha... Hey.

Very funny, lads.

There's no f***ing need

for that, lads. Eddie!

Ah, Durkan, come back, hey.

I cannot put the f***ing sticker on

if you're moving, hey.

Come on, reptard.

Stay still, please!

Ah, f*** off!

Viper, eh!

Yeah...

Durkan, I twisted my f***ing ankle there,

man. I can't see where I'm going.

Will you please wait up?

Francis! Come on!

Ah, come on, Viper.

You'll just drive off again.

Ah, Viper, come on now,

you're wasting our time.

No, you've been doing this

for two f***ing hours.

I know, but we're tired now,

it's getting dark.

No, you're going to drive off again.

Shut up and come on. Come on.

You're a big boy now, come on.

You promise you

won't drive off?

Promise you.

It's only a bit of bullying.

- Come on, big shot.

- Bullying f***ing hurts, man.

Come on, we'll do a

bit of arm wrestling.

- Come on, you're all right.

- The fun, fun's over, boys.

- Ah, no, it's only starting, like.

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