The Haunting of Whaley House

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[dog barking]

[wind blowing]

There it is, boys.

The Whaley House.

Ah, I thought

it'd be bigger.

It's big enough

for ghosts.

You know what?

Everything

compared to you

is small, meathouse.

You guys know this place

used to be a morgue?

You gotta be

f***ing kidding me.

No, dead serious.

Wow.

That's one

of the reasons why it's

so frigging haunted.

And the fact that,

you know, so many

people died here.

That helps.

Well, um,

I've seen enough.

I think

we should get back

before your sister

finds out we're

gone, Casey.

Go back?

Yeah.

But we have

to go in first.

Besides, she's busy

porking sh*t-ass Steve.

We have plenty of time.

But the house

is locked, Casey.

And I forgot

my inhaler.

I need it.

Breathing's

for gays, dude.

Besides...

I just so happen

to have the key.

Wait. Is that

one of those rocks

with the key

hidden inside,

you know,

the hideaway rock?

Is it a hideaway rock?

No, it's a regular rock.

I throw it.

We get in.

No, that's vandalism, dude.

Get Simon to do it.

F*** you, fat boy.

Okay, come on, guys.

We've walked all this way.

We gotta see inside.

Then let's

come back and take

the damn tour.

We can get

some souvenirs

and sh*t.

You know we don't

have any money.

Okay, man.

If you throw

that rock in there

and you do something

and piss off

all the ghosts,

then what?

Mm-hmm.

Then we see 'em,

and that's exactly

what we came here for.

Oh, my god.

You know what? Uh...

You do this,

meathouse.

Your arms

are fatter than mine.

It's muscle,

cancer tooth,

and I'm not going

to jail for some

stupid-ass ghosts.

[laughing]

Dumb-ass.

[wind blows]

Don't look at me.

I'm not

about to do it.

I'd rather be

at home

watching the rest of

the fulci marathon.

Fulci is

an artistic abortion.

Argento is

the way to go, man.

Shut up,

you fat Louie

Anderson looking

motherf***er.

Okay, fine. I'll do it.

I guess it's

a man's job anyway.

Wouldn't want

one of you ladies

to break a nail.

Hey, that was

only one time.

[glass breaks]

Now what?

Now...

I get a few shots.

And then...

What?

You've got to be

f***ing kidding me.

[horn honks]

Aah!

F***.

[crash]

[music playing]

[camera clicks]

Welcome, everyone,

to America's

Most Haunted House.

If you're all ready,

we'll get started.

Right this way.

Here we are

in the piano room.

When Thomas and Anna Whaley

first built the house,

they planned to run

part of it as a business,

which was in this room.

It was called Whaley

and Crosthwaite's

general store.

His partner,

Philip Crosthwaite,

was once the Deputy Sheriff

of San Diego,

and it just so happens

that he was the man

who tightened the noose

around

Yankee Jim Robinson's neck,

who was hanged here

when the public gallows

occupied the grounds...

Allegedly.

Right this way, everyone.

The Whaley house

was also the site

of the first commercial

theater in all of San Diego.

The ghost of a little girl

has been seen in here

on several occasions.

Nobody really knows

who she is.

Some think that she's

the great-granddaughter

of Thomas Whaley,

but it's still a mystery.

W-whoa. Did--

Did you see that?

Never mind.

Anyway, let's continue on,

everyone.

Now...

I have been asked

if I've ever

seen anything before,

and the answer to that is...

No.

Actually,

to be quite honest,

I am pretty skeptical

of the whole thing.

Now, I'm not saying that

I don't believe in ghosts

[creaking]

I just haven't been

convinced either way.

[creaking]

I'm sorry,

but I don't know

how you don't

believe this house

isn't haunted.

Excuse me?

I've been seeing things

for the past 20 minutes.

Am I alone here?

You're kidding.

You're kidding.

This house

is haunted as f***.

Well, what have

you seen?

Maybe you've just

mistaken something.

No. No, I haven't

mistaken anything.

I've been seeing

ghosts and...

[coughing]

Are you okay?

Get her some water,

please.

[gagging]

Somebody call 911!

I need you to...

[dispatch chatter]

Whoa. Sorry.

Hey, Bobo.

You okay, kiddo?

Yeah.

Yeah, it just...

[siren blaring]

Kinda stunk.

No kidding.

But you were great,

though.

Thanks.

It happens

all the time.

Really?

Believe it or not,

someone has

a reaction

to this house,

and they have

to be wheeled away

to the hospital.

Why?

Well, it's

this damn house.

It does things

to people.

You've been here,

what, dear,

four months?

I-I've been

working here

over 30 years.

Trust me.

I know how to deal

with this house.

How to deal with it?

Well, walk with me

while I close

the place up.

I don't think

we're going to be doing

any more tours today.

You know, Penny,

When I first started

working here,

my predecessor gave me

three rules

to live by,

and I think--

Think maybe it's time

I shared those with you.

[keys jingle]

[lock turns]

So rule number one,

don't call

the ghosts out.

They hate that.

Rule number two,

don't damage the house.

They're

very territorial.

And rule number three,

never, never go inside

the house at night.

That is their time,

reserved for them alone.

You know I don't

believe in ghosts, right?

Heh. I used to be

just like you, Penny,

used to think it was all

a big tourist trap.

So what

changed your mind?

Just because you

don't believe in ghosts,

doesn't mean they

don't believe in you.

You know, Penny, dear,

you know who

you remind me of?

No. Who?

Did--did you ever wonder

why you ended up

working here,

despite the fact

that you don't

believe in ghosts?

Eh, ghosts had nothing

to do with it, okay?

I just lucked into it.

I needed a job

to help pay my way

through med school,

and this is

where I ended up.

Hmm. Maybe it was

meant to be.

What was meant to be?

Oh, nothing. Just my--

my mind wandering.

Anyway, look,

you go on home now,

and I'll see you

tomorrow morning, okay?

[music playing]

Right. So that's

what I think is

the most crucial element.

My god.

I agree.

I mean, have you

actually seen

the nipples

on an indian woman?

Are we really

talking about this

right now?

Okay, honey,

please, please.

The men are trying

to talk, so...

I think the width

and the girth

of the areola

are just as important

as the size

of the breast,

you know, adds majesty

to the bosom.

Definitely.

A fantastic set of nipples

can literally

define a woman.

Guys, will you

please shut up?

I think it goes back

to when we were babies.

Okay, I think

I know where we're

going with this,

so let's just, uh,

stop talking

about it.

Baby, I'm a scientist.

Please.

See, the thing is--

is we want to marry

our mothers.

What?!

And we

seek out nipples

that are similar

to the ones

that we suckled.

Ah, lord.

Penny's nips,

just like my mother's.

What?!

Shut up!

Ouch. Ouch.

You need me

to do that to you?

No, I'm--I'm good.

Okay. There you go.

Guys, can we change

the subject now?

Yes. Let's.

How was everyone's day?

Some tourist

freaked out

at the house today.

No sh*t?

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