The Haunting of Whaley House Page #2

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Yeah. It was weird.

Freaked out how?

Started going

into seizures

and foaming

at the mouth.

You're joking.

No. And apparently

it happens

all the time.

My boss blames it

on the house,

like it's poison

or something.

I don't know

how you can work

at that place.

It's not that bad.

Not that bad?

It's haunted

as f***.

Well, if I ever

see anything,

I'll let you know,

Craig.

Yeah, but ghost sh*t,

it can't be real.

It just doesn't

make sense.

Well, just 'cause

we don't understand it,

I mean, it doesn't mean

it isn't real.

Right. I mean, it took 'em

a hell of a long time

to figure out gravity, right?

Actually,

I don't think

that's the case.

Okay, I mean,

millions of people

have experienced

the paranormal, okay?

Yet one witness

is enough to send someone

to death row.

I'd rather be

talking about nipples.

Look, ghosts are real,

and the Whaley house

is really haunted.

Why?

Because TV says so?

Are you saying

the TV lies to me?

Oh, no, no, no,

honey balls.

TV is your master.

Right.

All I'm saying

is that weird stuff

happens there,

but I just can't

buy that ghosts

are real.

It doesn't

make sense.

Penny, you work

in the mornings, right?

Sometimes.

Wait. Wait.

Craig, what are

you thinking?

So you open the doors,

and you lock up at night?

Sometimes.

Okay, now I don't

want to make an ass

out of you and me,

but is it safe

to assume that you have

a set of keys

to the Whaley house

or at least

access to them?

Yeah, but...

wait a minute.

Oh, my god. Craig.

Oh, that's such

a great idea.

No. No, it's not.

A private tour

of the most haunted house

in america.

What do you say, Penny?

Eh, wait. Wait, what--

No!

Guys,

I can get fired!

Mmm, please.

Come on, sweetie.

What do you say?

We'll be

on our best

behavior.

Just--just a couple

of hours, pen.

I can call my cousin

and borrow some stuff.

He's like Q branch

for ghost hunters.

But, guys,

if anything breaks,

I'm liable,

and I need this job.

Oh, my god.

No one is going

to find out.

We'll be careful.

We're not doing this,

right?

God, first you drive us

to the set of thriller,

and then you want

to take us

to a haunted mansion?

What's wrong with you?

Ahem!

Hey, Penny...

You know, it's, um--

it's your call.

Pretty please?

Okay!

Yes!

But only for

a little bit,

all right?

Yes!

This is just

to prove to you guys

that there's

nothing there.

[line rings]

Just in and out.

What's going to hap--

Yeah, we'll just do

the old in-and-out.

Hey. Hey, Ray-Ray.

Guess what we're

doing tonight.

[gasps]

Oh, wow.

Oh, my god, you guys.

It smells so cool in here.

This place is

creepy as f***.

It's just

an old house.

They say you could

hear the footsteps

of Thomas Whaley pacing

up in his bedroom.

Why are we

whispering?

[knock on door]

Ohh.

Are you Craig's...

cousin,

twice removed.

Hey!

Black-ass Ray!

White-ass Craig!

[both laugh]

This is dope

as sh*t, brother.

Yeah.

How did you

pull this off?

Penny.

She works here, man.

Well, I hope

you don't mind,

but I kind of

brought a friend.

Who?

[gasps]

Keith Drummand.

At your service,

young friends.

[gasps] the famous

Keith Drummand?

The one and only,

young man.

The one and only.

Heh heh.

World-famous,

if you don't mind.

Give me your hand.

You're an Aries.

Taurus, actually.

Oh. Really?

Well...

someone here

is an Aries.

Ah!

There. You see?

Heh heh.

Now, enough chitchat.

Let me at

those darn ghosts.

[chuckles]

Who's Keith Drummand?

I thought it was

just gonna be us.

Heh. Are you serious?

He's a psychic.

He's been on, like,

every ghost-hunting show

on TV,

even that short-lived

crippled kid's one.

Let's go.

It's all right.

[exhales]

I'm here.

I heard you.

You called me back.

What do you want

from me?

Yes. Yes.

All right.

All right.

I--I--

You want this,

and I can

give it to you.

It'll help.

Ah! Be careful with

the floor, please.

As a matter of fact,

be careful with

everything, guys.

Sorry.

You know what?

Here are some

ground rules, okay?

No touching

anything.

No taking anything.

No rifling

through papers

or breathing

on anything, guys.

Come on. Everything

is really fragile.

Pen, pen, relax.

It's gonna

be fine.

Hey, what'd you bring me?

The works, baby.

Ooh.

First and foremost,

digital

voice recorder.

Oh, evp. Nice.

What's evp?

It's a fancy term

for recording

ghost voices on tape.

See, the recorder

picks up frequencies

the human ear

can't detect,

so if they're talking,

we'll hear 'em.

Yeah, but does

that really work?

Google it.

You'll hear things

that'll turn

your a**hole white.

Ha ha!

Laser thermometer.

You can measure

temperatures all over,

or you can spot-temp

with the laser.

Good for pointing out

cold spots.

And the pice

de rsistance...

The emf meter.

Motherf***er.

Emf?

Electricians

use 'em,

but ghost hunters

do, too.

It's a commonly held belief

that ghosts disrupt

the electromagnetic field,

so you can use these things

like metal detectors.

But for ghosts.

Right as rain.

You didn't bring

the full-spectrum

camera?

Dumb-ass Dave dropped it

on a tombstone

a few nights ago.

[sighs]

That sucks.

It's okay.

Sh*t-ass Steve

is gonna fix it.

So what do

we do now?

Just walk around,

or...

We could, but I'd

like to try an oldie,

but goodie first.

What's that for?

Ah, there we are.

Heh heh.

[girl laughs]

Hello?

Who's there?

[clock ticking]

Guys, we really

shouldn't be doing this.

Will you please

relax, Giselle?

No. I'm not doing this.

I'm not a part of this.

Okay, everyone.

One finger

lightly on top.

We are speaking

to the Whaley family

or any earthbound entity

in this house.

We would like

to communicate with you.

My finger's

starting to cramp up

a little already.

Yeah, I've heard that

before.

Hey, it's called

rheumatoid arthritis,

all right?

Guys,

we need to focus.

No. We need to get

the f*** out of here.

Penny, you work here.

Maybe you should

ask the question.

What should I ask?

I don't know.

Maybe something only

the ghost would know.

Yes or no questions.

Um...

Okay.

Did Violet Whaley

die in this house?

Move the glass

if yes, spirit.

[gasping]

[laughs]

That was Craig.

I swear to god

it wasn't me.

No, that was you, Craig.

I know it was.

No. I know you think

I'm lying 'cause I'm

an a**hole,

but I swear to god

I didn't move that.

Ray:
All right, guys,

fingers back on.

We've got someone here.

You're on, Penny.

Okay, Violet died

in this house,

but did she shoot

herself here, too?

Move in a circle if no

and a straight line

if yes, spirit.

Did she shoot herself

in the head?

No.

That's right.

She shot herself

in the heart.

That's so sad. Why?

Um, her husband

abandoned her

after two weeks

of marriage,

so she went outside

and shot herself.

Thomas Whaley

heard the gunshot,

and he went out

and brought his daughter

in the house.

She died

in that chair.

Of course she did.

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