The Heartbreak Kid: The Egg Toss

---

So, what's new, Eddie?

Anything exciting?

Yeah, we just got those new Nike

SasQuatch drivers into the store,

so that's been kind of cool.

Let me rephrase the question.

You been crushing any p*ssy?

No, Dad,

I haven't been crushing any p*ssy.

Seriously, who you booming?

Dad, seriously,

I'm not "booming" anybody,

I'm just kind of dating a little right now.

I don't get you.

You refuse to get married,

yet you don't really enjoy the fruits

of bachelor life.

It's like you're living

in a purgatory over here.

Dad, I don't refuse to get married.

It's just I wanna do it

with the right person, okay?

I'm sorry to ride you, pal.

I just want you to be happy.

I hate you to be alone

on Valentine's Day.

I won't be. I'm going to a wedding.

Oh. Now you're talking.

Weddings are a great place

to meet women.

Who's getting married?

Jodi.

Jodi?

What are you...

What?

- Are you serious?

- Dad. Come on.

- Eddie, don't do this to yourself.

- We're still friends.

I'm just saying, watching

your ex-fiance walk down the aisle

on Valentine's Day might sting a little.

No. We're way past that.

Really. I mean, if anything,

it's gonna be cathartic.

Give me a little closure.

I think it's flat-out wrong,

but maybe I'm just old-fashioned.

Come on, skip the wedding.

You and me, we'll head to Vegas.

Maybe we'll get lucky and tag-team

a couple of broads.

Yeah, I have to say the idea

of a tag team

with my 77-year-old father

is extremely tempting,

but I already RSVP'd, so...

I appreciate the offer.

Come on, come on.

Hey, can I get a beer, please?

- And I will get a Cosmopolitan.

- No problem.

Cosmopolitan?

Isn't that sort of a female-type drink?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Tammy turned me on to them.

And I pretty much drink

what she drinks, so...

Oh. Really?

Yeah. Happy wife, happy life.

That's a good one.

"Happy wife, happy life." I like that.

- Rhymes. Must be true.

- Yeah. Thank you.

Wow. Look at Jodi.

She looks great, huh?

Yeah, she looks really good.

And she's got the kind of looks

that are gonna last, you know?

Look at her mom.

Oh, what a cougar.

Some good genes there.

Hey. Come on.

Look, you had five years to pull

the trigger with Jodi, okay?

And if I recall, you had plenty

of reasons for calling it off.

Yeah. I know. I'm just trying

to remember what they were.

God, there was a million of them.

"She doesn't like my fantasy football

league. She never shares her food.

"She doesn't try anything new."

Man, what are you...

That's not my voice.

That's you. That's exactly you.

That's spot-on you.

I don't sound like an Italian mouse.

Little bit.

I do not-a talk-a like this.

Oh, yeah? Okay, remember this one?

"She hates-a Caddyshack-a."

Yeah, and you know why

she hates-a Caddyshack?

'Cause she said that

the gopher looked too fake.

Come on, that would bother you.

Oh, totally. Totally.

Throw away a chance at happiness

because the gopher looks fake.

Come on, man.

You've never been married.

You're 40 years old.

Eddie, at some point you're just gonna

have to close your eyes and jump.

I did it. I'm the happiest guy I know.

- Hey, Eddie.

- Oh, hey.

- How are you?

- I'm good. How are you doing?

Good, good. Are you sad?

No.

Oh, good. Good.

Mac, come on, honey, we gotta go.

Everyone's already at our table.

- Lead the way, gorgeous.

- Is that for me?

- No, that's his.

- Oh. Well, it's mine now.

What table you at, Eddie?

I am at table 34.

- Oh, too bad. We're at 11.

- We're at 11.

- Okay. See you later.

- All right.

- Save me a dance.

- Okay.

- Don't forget.

- I won't.

- Mac, come on.

- Bye. Gotta go.

Cheers!

And that was that!

- Excuse me.

- Yeah.

Hey, are you running this whole thing?

Oh, sure.

Walk up to the first homo you see

and assume he's

the wedding coordinator, right? Nice.

- No, no. I didn't mean that.

- Nice stereotype, buddy, nice.

Did I hear someone

say "wedding coordinator"?

That would be moi.

So, how can I help you?

So, how can I help you?

I think there's been a mistake, 'cause

I'm at table 34, but that's the kids' table.

Oh, oh. That's not the kids' table.

That's the singles' table. Enjoy.

Wife couldn't make it, huh?

No wife.

Oh. Divorced?

No.

Girlfriend?

Kind of in-between right now.

Sort of playing the field and

keeping my options open, you know?

Hey, mister.

- What?

- Are you gay?

- No.

- Yes! You owe me 10 bucks.

Hold on, hold on. Are you bi?

No. No, I'm not bi.

See? It's a tie. We both lose.

Are you like a widow or something?

Yeah. I'm a widow. That's... Yeah.

- Sorry.

- He's full of it. He's gay.

No. I'm not gay.

- Let's play five-in-five, then.

- What is that?

It's where I ask you five questions

in five seconds.

If you're telling the truth,

then you shouldn't have to think.

Yeah. I don't wanna play your game.

Sorry.

- Quick. How'd your wife die?

- Murdered.

- How?

- Ice pick.

- They get the guy?

- Yeah.

- What was his name?

- Ronald.

Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe. Who's hotter?

Brad Pitt.

- What? I thought you...

- Yeah, we got you.

No, I thought you meant

who's hotter career-wise.

You're totally busted.

- Gay.

- Gay.

You're gay.

And I just want you all to know that

Jodi is the only woman I've ever loved.

And I wanna thank her for letting me

into her fairytale life.

And that's not to say I didn't have to

kiss a few frogs before I met my prince.

Cantrow! Did you hear that?

But seriously, Michael has been

the answer to all my prayers.

And quite frankly, he's the only guy

my father ever approved of.

And that's because he's

the first guy she ever went out with

who wasn't a total a**hole.

All right, all right, okay.

Look, thank you all for coming.

We're gonna have some fun

today, right?

Stop him, he's got my purse!

Somebody stop him!

Hey, stop! Hey, stop! Stop!

F*** off, man!

This has nothing to do with you!

Calm down, buddy, give me the purse.

Back off, man! I swear to God,

I'll cut your f***ing head off!

- Give me the...

- I will snap you!

No, man, that's mine. It's mine!

Hey, man, man, it's mine. It's mine!

It's mine!

Sh*t.

Sh*t!

Oh, God, are you okay?

No, it stings. He Maced me.

It's just my perfume.

Sh*t, I can't believe this!

I've got everything in there.

My credit card, my wallet.

Everything is in that bag.

My license, my keys,

my life.

Yeah, that guy, he's like a freak.

I mean, I just... I tried to stop him, but...

Sorry. I almost had him.

No, no, it's not your fault.

I should have, like, punched him

or something. I'm sorry.

Thank you.

It was really cool of you to get involved.

- Here. Let me help you with this stuff.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh. I'm sorry. I don't wanna...

I don't know what the protocol there is.

It's okay. I got it. No problem.

Okay. Nice undergarment there.

So, there you go.

So, you live around here?

Yes, I do. Yeah, I do.

I actually live a couple blocks down.

- Over by Bay City Sports?

- Bay City Sports? I...

Yeah, a big sports... Sort of sporting

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes