The Heartbreak Kid: The Egg Toss Page #2

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goods emporium, over on Van Ness.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I know that.

- I actually own the place, so...

- Oh, cool.

- Yeah. Yeah, it's fun.

- That's great. Oh, this is me.

- That's you? Okay.

I don't have any money.

He took my wallet.

Wait a minute. Here. I got it.

Oh, no. I wasn't saying it to...

You've done enough. Really.

No. Here. Please. Please.

I got a five-spot. Here you go.

Go ahead. Take it. I got like hundreds

of dollars in the bank, so I'm good.

- I can't take it, then.

- No, I'm kidding. I do fine.

I mean, I'm not rich, I'm comfortable.

I'm good. Go ahead. Get on the thing.

- Got it.

- All right.

- Take it easy.

- Thank you.

All right.

Hey, what's your name?

Lila!

Lila, I'm Eddie! Eddie... Eddie Cantrow!

Okay!

Sh*t.

Oh, yeah. This is your girl, Eddie.

I've always said you can tell a lot

about a woman by her panties.

When have you ever said that?

I've said it like a mantra.

You just don't pay attention.

So, did you get her digits?

No, I didn't get her digits.

The girl had just gotten mugged.

I wasn't gonna hit on her.

Wait a second. She's hot, friendly,

it's Valentine's Day, she's all alone...

She has David Bowie, your all-time

favorite musician, pasted on her undies.

And you don't think to ask her out?

It was... A lot was going on.

I mean, I had just gotten sprayed

in the eye by a very sting-y perfume.

I was disoriented. I was...

And it never occurred to you

to chase the trolley down the street,

waving her underwear

and calling out her name?

No! I mean, look,

this girl was incredibly gorgeous.

There's no way in hell she's single.

I'm sure she's got, like, a dot-com

billionaire boyfriend.

A billionaire

who makes her do the wash

at a laundromat on Valentine's Day.

Come on, Eddie! She was available.

You wimped out.

Oh, that's my wife.

Okay.

Hey, honey.

Yeah.

Okay, sure, you got it. Right away.

All right, guys. I'm on husband duty.

Aunt Flo just arrived at our house.

Who's Aunt Flo?

Tammy just got her period,

so gotta pick her up some Maxibons.

Is there anything that she asks you to

do that you don't jump to attention for?

No. Why? I wanna make her happy.

That's why I grew out the bangs.

Sorry you let that girl go, Eddie.

Sounded like a keeper.

- Thank you, makes me feel better.

- You're welcome.

He speaketh the truth.

All you had to do was ask her out

for coffee or a goddamn piece of pie.

Oh, pie. Yeah, pie really would've

clinched the deal, Dad.

I'm just saying, when you

happen on ass-floss like these,

you don't let them get away.

I'm late for a root canal. Be good.

All right, Ralphie, let's go.

Sh*t. Eddie, what am I doing wrong?

All right. First of all, don't ever swing

at the first pitch. You gotta be patient.

- But the ball was right down the middle.

- It was a little high and inside.

Hey, pussydick, can you break away

for nine holes?

You know what?

I'm in the middle of something, Dad.

Listen, everybody wants

to hit homers, right?

But the fact is,

a walk's as good as a hit.

- It is?

- Yeah.

That's the worst piece of advice

I ever heard.

- Swing at the next one, slugger.

- No, wait.

You want me to swing or wait?

Listen to me, I'm older than him. Swing!

- Wait.

- Swing!

No, Dad, now you're screwing him up.

Oh, my God.

- Dad, that's her.

- Who?

That's the girl I was telling you

about, Lila. You gotta get out of here.

- Go. Go, go, go.

- Relax. I'm not gonna blow your cover.

But it's nice to put a face to the panties.

Where did you get those?

Will you calm down? They're not for me.

I was just gonna bring them by the club!

What?

A guy can't brag about his own kid?

- No, Dad. Dad.

- Give me. Give me.

- Hi.

- Hey.

I was in the neighborhood

looking for a fleece.

What do you think?

Excellent taste.

That's my dad.

Hi, Dad.

Nice to meet you, Lila.

How do you know my name?

Okay, cat's out of the bag.

My son found your panties

on the sidewalk,

and we've been talking

about you all week.

Eddie, give her back

her undies, will you?

Here you go.

I was watching those for you,

hoping you'd come in and claim them.

It worked out.

- Okay.

- We're good now.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Okay. My work here is done.

Let me go.

He's so cute.

Yeah, he is. He's a cutie.

- So, what do you think?

- Well, what are you looking to do?

You looking to just go hiking,

or bopping around town, or...

Little bit of both, probably.

Okay, well, they're both

quick-dry material, which is good,

'cause it wicks away the sweat

from the surface,

allows it to evaporate quickly.

But if I was gonna go with one,

I'd probably go with the Patagonia,

'cause it's 100% recycled material.

Hey, you a pie fan?

A fan of pie? Do you like pie? The...

Pie? Food? Pie.

Oh, pie. Like apple pie, and...

Yeah, I love pie.

Get out of town.

So you're an environmental researcher.

Why do you sound so surprised?

No, it's just, I mean, you know,

you don't really look like

the prototypical scientist type.

Well, it's not really that scientific.

It's more, you know...

- It's just researching.

- Right. I know. Just research.

Well, it is.

Well, I'm sure you make it sound

much simpler than it is, but...

For us knuckleheads who, you know,

sell baseball gloves...

No, you're not a knucklehead.

Eddie...

Can I be honest with you?

Yeah, sure.

I didn't really need that fleece

that I bought today.

I came in the store today to see you.

Really?

- Yeah.

- Oh, cool.

I mean, if you wanna return the fleece,

it's fine, seriously.

Oh, no, Eddie, I don't.

I don't wanna return it.

Okay, but just know

that that's okay, too.

- No, I love it.

- I mean, aside from all of this other...

Eddie, I think it's perfect for me.

You're not mad?

Of course I'm not mad.

I don't want you to do anything

you're not comfortable with. Come on.

I know it's silly. I mean,

it's not like I'm a virgin or anything.

Lila, you don't owe me

any explanations, okay? Really.

I know, but I just want you

to understand where I'm coming from.

I just...

I've seen how sleeping together

too soon can ruin a relationship,

and I don't wanna risk what we have.

'Cause what we have

is really, really nice.

Last time I checked,

we're not in a race, right?

Cool.

- All right.

- All right.

- Good night.

- Night.

Sleep well.

I will.

Eddie, phone call, Line 3. It's Lila.

Hey, baby, how you doing?

What's wrong?

How long do they want you

to live in Rotterdam?

I don't know,

it depends on the restructuring.

- I mean, at least two years.

- Two years?

Maybe more.

Two years?

Why Germany?

Holland.

Can't you just tell them,

"I won't do it. I can't do it.

"I wanna be a researcher, but I'm not,

you know, I'm not gonna..."

Eddie, this is my career.

I can't say that.

I understand that,

but can't you, like, just say, you know...

Isn't there somebody else

who wants to go?

No, it's either me or this other

researcher, and he's married.

So what?

So, they don't move married people.

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